Max Payne & Co present The Real World
by TheMerryVingian
Summary: Seven MP characters forced to live together. Let the madness begin!
1. Episode I

Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, the Real World, or anything having to do with either of the two. So, Rockstar, MTV Networks, and everyone else that DOES own these two, be nice and don't sue, okay?  
  
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to anybody, living, dead, or somewhere in between, are purely coincidental. In other words, this is ALLLLLL make-believe.  
  
And now, Max Payne & Co. present:  
  
The Real World  
  
Max Payne: This is the story.  
  
Mona Sax: . of seven strangers.  
  
Vladimir Lem: . picked to live in a house.  
  
Det. Valerie Winterson: . and have their lives taped..  
  
Vinnie Gognitti: .. Find out what happens.  
  
Annie Finn: . when people stop being polite.  
  
Mike the Cowboy: . and start being real..  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
The House, Manhattan  
  
(Max is already there. Vladimir shows up momentarily.)  
  
Vladimir: Pleased to meet you, dearest of all my friends. I am Vladimir Lem. And who are you?  
  
Max: Max Payne. How was your ride here?  
  
Vladimir: It was good. Very nice. And yours?  
  
Max: It was smooth, like floating on top of a cloud in a peaceful sky high above the turbulent storms pouring down on the poor, unsuspecting populous below.  
  
Vladimir: Uh. good.  
  
Max: (in confessional) Vlad seems okay, but what was that "Dearest of all my friends" about? He just met me. It's like a dog running to lick the face of the dog catcher assigned to put him to sleep.  
  
(Winterson enters the house, dressed in a pant-suit)  
  
Max: Oh, hello.  
  
Vladimir: Hello, madam. I am Vladimir Lem.  
  
Winterson: Valerie Winterson. Nice to meet you. (Shakes Vladimir's hand)  
  
Max: Max Payne. (Shakes her hand)  
  
Winterson: Hi, nice to meet you too.  
  
(Winterson walks over to put her bags down)  
  
Vladimir: She's pretty cute, isn't she?  
  
Max: Sure, I guess. Like a shiny pearl hidden under a barnacle-encrusted oyster shell amidst the rough, jagged edges of a coral reef.  
  
Vladimir: (in confessional) What is the deal with this guy Max and metaphors? Why can't he just answer "Yes" or "No" to a question? He seems nice otherwise, but that way of talking is going to get on my nerves.  
  
Winterson: Are the other guests here yet?  
  
Max: No. We're still waiting for them.  
  
Vladimir: So, Valerie - may I call you Valerie?  
  
Winterson: Call me Winterson.  
  
Vladimir: (laughs coolly) Okay, Winterson, where did you get that outfit? It is very cute.  
  
Winterson: (smiles just a little) Thanks. I got it at Bloomingdale's.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) That Vlad guy's quite charming. He seems quite the gentleman. I wouldn't mind hooking up with him. Although that Max guy's pretty cute too, in a dark, mysterious kind of way. Maybe I should hook up with both of them.  
  
(Vinnie enters, dressed in a windbreaker, designer jeans, a small gold chain, and a Captain Baseball Bat Boy T-shirt. He carries luggage with Captain Baseball Bat Boy drawings on it)  
  
Vinnie: How ya doin'? Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
Max: Max Payne.  
  
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.  
  
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, nice to meet ya.  
  
(Vinnie goes over, sets his luggage down, and opens it. Almost everything in it has to do with Captain Baseball Bat Boy.)  
  
Max: (to everyone there) Gee, what do you do in your spare time?  
  
Vinnie: What? I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff. I'm gonna sell this stuff on E-Bay and make a fortune.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) What? I'm a collector. Do you guys have any idea how much money this stuff's worth? I'm tellin' ya, f(bleep)in' much.  
  
Vladimir: Sure, Vinnie, sure.  
  
(Annie Finn and Mike the Cowboy show up together. Mike is dressed totally in Western wear, with snakeskin boots.)  
  
Annie: Wow. Nice crib.  
  
Mike: (with Russian accent) Howdy, folks. I'm Mike, the Cowboy.  
  
Annie: Yo. I'm Annie Finn.  
  
Max: Max Payne.  
  
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.  
  
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.  
  
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
Winterson: How was your trip, guys?  
  
Annie: It was a'right. Straight trippin'.  
  
Mike: I liked it a lot. We got a nice limo, and all the beef jerky we could eat.  
  
Annie: (confessional) That Mike dude got on my nerves. We shared a limo. Every time I wanted to listen to the hip-hop and R&B stations, Mike kept changing it to Country & Western. I don't wanna listen to that redneck crap.  
  
Max: So Mike, where did you get that hat? It's interesting, like an oversized balloon in a one-float parade the day after Thanksgiving.  
  
Mike: Oh, thank you. I buy it here in city. I love Western clothes, Country music, cowboy hats, cowboy boots. It's all so. American.  
  
(Mona Sax enters, dressed in a skimpy top and tight jeans.)  
  
Max: Oh, uh, hello.  
  
Mona: Hi. I'm Mona.  
  
All the guys: Hi Mona!  
  
Mona: (giggles a bit) Hello.  
  
Max: Max Payne.  
  
Vladimir: Vladimir Lem.  
  
Vinnie: Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
Mike: I'm Mike.  
  
Mona: Nice to meet you guys.  
  
(Annie & Winterson, confessional)  
  
Annie: That girl Mona.. S(bleep)t, what a little hoochie.  
  
Winterson: For real, girl. I say put some clothes on.  
  
(Meanwhile, back at the house)  
  
Mona: Oh, I didn't get your names yet. I'm Mona Sax.  
  
Annie: Yo, Annie Finn.  
  
Winterson: Valerie Winterson.  
  
Mona: (confessional) These guys seem really cool, ya know. I think we're gonna have a lot of fun together.  
  
Mike: (confessional) I like Mona. I wonder if she likes cowboys. I give her horsie ride all night long.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Wow, that Mona chick looks good enough to eat. I'm definitely gonna hook up wit' 'er. She's gonna love my Captain Baseball Bat Boy collection, especially my Captain Baseball Bat Boy sheets.  
  
Vladimir: (confessional) Mona Sax? Oh yes, I would f(bleep)k her.  
  
Max: (confessional) Mona is beautiful alright, in a bad-girl sort of way. She's the demon that drags you to hell with a chain of beauty that you never want to break free from.  
  
Max: So, who's gonna room with who?  
  
Mona: I'm open.  
  
(All the guys' eyes light up)  
  
Winterson: Vlad, you're rooming with me.  
  
Vladimir: (a little irritated) Ohhh, all right.  
  
(Winterson smiles cockily at Mona)  
  
Vinnie: Hey Mona, I'll room wit' you.  
  
Mona: Thanks, Vinnie, but I think I'm gonna room with Max. Oh, uh, if that's okay with you, Max.  
  
Max: Yes!! I mean, uhh, I guess it'll be okay.  
  
Vinnie: Well, then, I guess the third room goes to me, Mike, and Annie. So, Annie, you like Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff? Cause I got a bunch of it.  
  
Annie: (half-heartedly) Super.  
  
Mike: All right, the three of us all together. We have fun together. We line-dance all night.  
  
Annie: (confessional) Great. I gotta share my part of da crib with the two most annoying guys here.  
  
(later that evening)  
  
Vladimir: So, what does everyone want to do this evening?  
  
Mona: Hey, let's all go clubbing.  
  
Max: Sounds good.  
  
Winterson: That's fine, I guess.  
  
Annie: A'right.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, sure, I'll go.  
  
Mike: Let's giddy up!  
  
(We see the whole gang at a club. 50 Cent's "In Da Club" is playing in the background. We see Max, Mona, Vladimir, Winterson, Annie, and Vinnie dancing in one group, while Mike is sitting at a nearby table watching.)  
  
Mike: (confessional) I didn't want to ditch the rest of the group, but I don't know how to dance hip-hop. It's not even my music. I was just waiting for some Country & Western music to line-dance to.  
  
(Meanwhile, Max moves in and presses up against Mona. Vladimir tries to move in closer to Mona as well, but Winterson moves in and cuts him off.)  
  
Mona: (confessional) I don't get it. Every time Vlad tries to give me attention, Winterson's always there to get in between him. It's like she doesn't want him near me. What's up with that?  
  
Winterson: (confessional) That slut ain't getting anywhere near my man. I'll make damn sure of that.  
  
(We now see the gang seated at the table, having drinks.)  
  
Mona: So, is everyone having fun?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. Thanks for recommending this place.  
  
Max: Yeah, it's pretty good.  
  
Mike: It's okay, but I wish they'd play some Country music.  
  
(everyone else's eyes roll)  
  
Mona: Well, if you wanna hear it so bad, go request a song. Maybe the DJ can hook you up.  
  
Vinnie: I'm lovin' it here. What about you, Annie?  
  
Annie: Yeah, it's pretty tight. Hey, where'd Mike go?  
  
(We see Mike handing a small slip of paper to the DJ. A few minutes later, "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis begins to play, amidst booing from most of the club patrons, who walk off the dance floor.)  
  
Mike: Hey Annie, want to dance?  
  
Annie: I don't know how to two-step.  
  
Mike: Come on, I show you. It fun.  
  
Annie: Ohhh, a'right.  
  
(Mike leads Annie out onto the dance floor and shows her how to two-step. She's a little clumsy at first, but she soon gets the hang of it. Mike is looking into her eyes while they dance, and Annie cracks a smile.)  
  
Annie: (confessional) I gotta admit, for what he does, Mike's a pretty good dancer. I actually had fun two-stepping. Plus, Mike did look pretty fly in that cowboy gear.  
  
Annie: Y'know, this is pretty good music to dance to.  
  
Mike: Really? I told you you'd like it. We can listen to more later at the house.  
  
Annie: Okay, sure.  
  
(a few minutes later, after the song finishes..)  
  
Mona: Well, I'm ready to head back to the house. How about you guys?  
  
Max: Sure. We're gonna have a busy day tomorrow.  
  
Winterson: Sounds good. Let's go, Vlad.  
  
Vinnie: All right. Hey Annie, I can show you my Captain Baseball Bat Boy trading cards.  
  
Annie: Thanks, Vinnie, but Mike and I gonna listen to some of his tunes.  
  
Vinnie: (dejectedly) Oh, uhhh, okay.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Ah, dammit. I'm losing Annie to that Russian wannabe hillbilly. This freakin' sucks. Well, I'm gonna hook up wit' somebody on this trip, and that cowboy ain't gettin' in my way.  
  
MTV Announcer: On next week's episode of "The Real World". the gang goes skydiving. Winterson takes it up a notch. and Vinnie Gognitti a rapper? Stay tuned.  
  
So, like it? Hate it? Have any suggestions? Then please, submit a review. I'd love to read it.  
  
More will in fact be coming, so stay tuned.. 


	2. Episode II

Disclaimers: Okay, once again, I don't own Max Payne, the Real World, or anything having to do with either of the two, or any of the song lyrics that might show up here, so don't sue.  
  
This is fiction, not fact. Any similarities are purely coincidental... yadda, yadda, yadda....  
  
And now, episode two of Max Payne & Co. present  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story of seven large and dangerous animals packed into a small cage like sardines, fighting to survive amidst a sea of mindless...  
  
Director: Hey! We talked about this, Max. Stick to the script for the intro, please.  
  
Max: All right, fine. This is the story...  
  
Mike: ... of seven strangers...  
  
Mona: ... picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: ... and have their lives taped.  
  
Vladimir: Find out what happens...  
  
Vinnie: ... when people stop being polite...  
  
Winterson: ... and start being real....  
  
All: The Real World: New York.  
  
The House, Manhattan, Morning  
  
(We see Max, making pancakes in the kitchen for the gang. Winterson shows up momentarily.)  
  
Max: Oh, hey Winterson. Pancakes?  
  
Winterson: Sure, thanks Max.  
  
Max: Is anyone else up yet?  
  
Winterson: Uhh, no, not that I know of.  
  
Max: Okay. (Looks around) Winterson, you don't like Mona, do you?  
  
Winterson: (confessional) I didn't want to diss Max's girl to his face, but that girl's a hoochie. It's not like she keeps it a secret or anything. Just look at what she's trying to do with Vlad.  
  
Winterson: Mona? She's... okay. What makes you think I don't like her?  
  
Max: Well, every time I turn around, you're either glaring or smirking at her.  
  
Winterson: Max, come on. Look at her. Doesn't she seem to be giving a little too much attention to all the guys?  
  
Max: (confessional) I haven't noticed anything about Mona regarding the guys. But then, when beauty is staring you straight in the face, you're blind to everything around you.  
  
Max: Not really. I mean, she was a little friendly with me, and maybe Vlad, at the club last night, but I think she's just having fun.  
  
Winterson: I think she's had "fun" with a lot more guys than just you and Vlad.  
  
Max: Winterson, why do you all of a sudden care so much about...?  
  
Mona: (walking in) Hey guys.  
  
Max: ... what team A-Rod chooses to play for? Hey Mona. Have some pancakes.  
  
Mona: Thanks, Max. Hey, Winterson. Great night last night, wasn't it?  
  
Winterson: Yeah, I guess so.  
  
(Vladimir and Vinnie show up)  
  
Max: What's up guys? Grab some pancakes.  
  
Vladimir: Thanks, Max.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, thanks, Payne.  
  
(Mike and Annie come down, a little haggard looking, but contented)  
  
Max: Hey guys. Hurry up and grab some pancakes, before they run out.  
  
Annie: Oh, thanks, Max.  
  
Mona: You guys look like you had a busy night last night.  
  
Mike: Oh, yes, we stay up late listening to tunes.  
  
Vladimir: Sure, Mike, "tunes." (Does quotation mark sign with fingers.)  
  
Mike: No, really. We have fun listening to Country & Western tunes, right, Annie?  
  
Annie: Yeah, I gotta say, you got some trippin' music, Mike. Oh, we didn't keep you awake, did we Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Nah, you guys are okay.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) That stinkin' j(bleep)k-off cowboy played that country s(bleep)t till 4 in the morning. And he's got Annie hooked on it, which means they're probably gonna end up hooking up instead of me. Maybe I should try hooking up with Mona. She's roomin' wit' Max, but she gives attention to the other guys. I think I can get her to like me.  
  
Vinnie: So Mona, did ya have fun at the club last night?  
  
Mona: Uh huh. Did you?  
  
Vinnie: Sure did. Fun night. Hope we can have more like it.  
  
Mona: Uhh, yeah, me too.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Okay, Vinnie seems to be getting a little friendly with me. Not that I mind it so much, but it's so sudden. He's a nice guy, even if he does like Captain Baseball Bat Boy a little too much. I might think about giving him a whirl.  
  
Max: Hurry up and eat and get dressed. I got a surprise lined up for us, but if we don't hurry, we'll miss it.  
  
Vladimir: Where are we going, Max?  
  
(B.B.'s Skydiving Academy, later that morning)  
  
(We see mixed reactions from the group as they enter.)  
  
Vinnie: Are you freakin' crazy, Payne? Ain't no way I'm goin' up there. I hate heights!  
  
Max: Come on, Vinnie. Have you even tried skydiving before? No? Then how do you know you hate it?  
  
Vinnie: Well, I've never tried arsenic either, but that doesn't mean I'm going to.  
  
Winterson: I don't know, Max. This seems a bit... much.  
  
Mona: I think it'll be fun. I'm willing to give it a try.  
  
Winterson: I bet there's a lot of things you're willing to try.  
  
Mona: What?  
  
Winterson: Nothing, Mona.  
  
Vladimir: I'm with Mona. I think we'll all have fun doing this.  
  
(Winterson glares at Vladimir)  
  
Vladimir: (confessional) What did I do? I just pointed out that I was in agreement with Mona regarding this, and Winterson gives me the evil eye. What's up with that?  
  
(Enter the skydiving instructor. It's B.B., from Max Payne 1.)  
  
B.B.: Hi. I'm B.B., and I'll be giving you your skydiving lesson for today. Since I don't know what kind of experience any of you have had skydiving, I'm going to start everyone from ground zero. We'll start with an overview of the equipment you'll be using and some jumping basics, and hopefully we'll all get to jump out of an airplane by this afternoon.  
  
(We see the gang sitting in a small classroom, trying on all the skydiving equipment, and practicing basic jumping techniques on the ground. We then see the gang up in an airplane about to make their first real jump.)  
  
B.B.: (shouting to be heard above the plane and the wind) Okay. Everybody comfy?  
  
(Most of the gang is a little nervous, but holding up okay. Max is okay, and Vladimir is, surprisingly, very calm and cool. Vinnie is about to puke his guts up.)  
  
B.B.: Okay. We're almost over the drop zone. We'll each jump out one at a time. I'll jump out last and meet you guys on the ground. Who wants to go first?  
  
(Everyone looks at each other. After a little while...)  
  
Max: All right. I'll do it first.  
  
(Max goes to the open door and gets in position.)  
  
B.B.: Okay, Maxey – can I call you Maxey? – remember, one, two, three, jump. Count to twenty, and then pull the ripcord.  
  
Max: Okay. One... two... three... jump!!  
  
(Max jumps out of the plane. After twenty counts, he pulls the ripcord and his parachute opens. He slowly descends to the ground far below, amidst cheers from the rest of the gang, still on board.)  
  
B.B.: Okay. Who's next?  
  
(Vladimir steps up to the doorway. He almost immediately does the three- count, jumps, and then pulls the ripcord. It's all done very matter-of- factly, as if he has done this many times before.)  
  
Everyone: (to each other) Wow... did you see that... awesome...  
  
B.B.: Next?  
  
(Mona jumps, then Winterson, then Mike, then Annie. Finally we get to Vinnie, who is still looking sick to his stomach.)  
  
B.B.: Okay, Vinnie. I guess you're the last one. You okay?  
  
Vinnie: Ahhh, I'm not sure I can do this.  
  
B.B.: Sure you can. You just gotta jump. It's easy.  
  
Vinnie: Easy for you to say! You ain't about to puke!  
  
B.B.: Okay. If you don't want to jump, that's fine. But I think you should know something.  
  
Vinnie: What?  
  
B.B.: I am... a homosexual.  
  
(Vinnie shrieks and runs to the door. He doesn't even count to three, but jumps right out and pulls the ripcord. The chute opens and he slowly descends to the ground below.)  
  
(Meanwhile, on the ground...)  
  
Mona: So, I wonder if Vinnie jumped?  
  
Max: Nah, he probably chickened out like a squirrel in front of a...  
  
(Splat!!! Puke comes down from the sky and lands right on Max's head. Everyone either grosses out or laughs.)  
  
Max: Ahh, s(bleep)t, my coat.  
  
Mike: Ha, ha, ha! It rain puke. Ha, ha, ha!  
  
Max: (confessional) That coat was my Excalibur, and now it's covered in vomit.  
  
(Vinnie soon afterward lands on the ground. He has a small trickle of vomit at the corner of his mouth.)  
  
Vladimir: Vinnie. You jumped. Good for you.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. I just lost my pancakes up there.  
  
Winterson: (snickering) I think Max found them. Or rather, they found Max.  
  
Max: Yeah, real funny, guys. My coat's ruined.  
  
Vinnie: Sorry, Payne. I couldn't help it up there.  
  
(B.B. soon arrives on the ground and goes over to meet the group.)  
  
B.B.: All right. Great job today, guys. All of you did really well. You okay, Vinnie? I saw you blow chow on the way down.  
  
Vinnie: (cautious around B.B.) Yeah, I'm... fine.  
  
B.B.: Look, Vinnie, I'm not really gay. I just said that to get you to jump. Incidentally, you did especially well today, Vlad. Have you done this before?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. I was a paratrooper in the Russian Army. This is child's play for me.  
  
B.B.: Oh, I see. Well, good job today, everyone. Hope you guys come back and do this again.  
  
Everyone: Thank you!  
  
Max: (confessional) It was great today, jumping. Well, except for Vinnie puking on me. But today was a day we all got to defy death, and win.  
  
Mona: (confessional) This was really cool. I got a real thrill jumping. Having the group with me really helped me get past my initial fears.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) I still hate heights. And I puked my guts up. But maybe it'll be worth it having had Mona see me do this. Oh s(bleep)t, Mona saw me lose my breakfast! Ah, man. I hope this doesn't screw up any chance I have with her.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) I was scared at first. But seeing Vlad jump kinda made me forget that fear and jump after him. Plus, he looked kinda cute in his skydiving gear.  
  
Mike: (confessional) Ha, ha, ha! It rain puke on Max. Very funny. I like skydiving. It was fun... Ha, ha, ha! It rain puke on Max.  
  
Annie: (confessional) Yeah, it was good. Fo real. Loved skydiving with the crew, especially Mike.  
  
(The house, early that evening)  
  
Mona: Well, we've still got a lot of evening left. What should we do tonight?  
  
Max: My mind's a freshly wiped slate. I've got nothing.  
  
Winterson: We could go out clubbing again.  
  
Mike: Hey, I know a place. It fun. We all go.  
  
Annie: What kind of place, Mike?  
  
Mike: Well...  
  
(Barry's Pub & Grill, Karaoke Night)  
  
(The gang enters. They have mixed feelings about the place.)  
  
Mike: All right! Karaoke Night! I love Karaoke!  
  
Max: I don't know about this, Mike. Karaoke never was my scene.  
  
Vinnie: Ah, come on, Payne. We did your thing.  
  
Max: I don't want to hear a bunch of drunks murdering my favorite songs.  
  
Winterson: I'm with Max. I'm not much up for this either.  
  
Vladimir: Come on, Winterson. Maybe you'll like it. You tried Max's thing and liked it.  
  
Mona: (feigning seductiveness) Come on, Max. Stay. For me.  
  
Max: (confessional) The light touch of a woman can make an honest man write bad checks. I couldn't win in this one.  
  
Max: Ohh, all right. I'll stay with you guys.  
  
Vladimir: And you, Winterson?  
  
Winterson: All right, but you owe me, Vlad.  
  
Mike: All right. I start this show.  
  
(Mike goes up to the karaoke machine and begins to sing. He sings Brooks & Dunn's "Boot Scootin' Boogie.")  
  
Mike: â«Out in the country past the city limit sign, well there's a honky-tonk near the county line. The joint starts jumpin' every night when the sun goes down. They got whiskey, women, music, and smoke. It's where all the cowboy folk go to boot scoot boogie.  
  
I got a good job, I work hard for my money. When it's quittin' time, I hit the door running. I fire up my pick-up truck, and let the horses run. I go flyin' down that highway to that hideaway, stuck out in the woods to do the boot scoot boogie.  
  
Yeah, heel toe, do si do, come on baby let's go DANCIN' ohhh, cadillac black jack baby meet me out back we're gonna, boogie. Oh, get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.  
  
Bartender asks me, "Say son, what'll it be?" "I want a shot o' that redhead yonder looking at me." The dance floor's hoppin, and it's hotter than the fourth of July. I see outlaws, inlaws, crooks and straights, all out makin' it shake doin' the boot scootin' boogie.  
  
Yeah, heel toe, do si do, come on baby let's go DANCIN' ohhh, cadillac black jack baby meet me out back we're gonna, boogie. Oh, get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.â«  
  
(Mike finishes his song and sits back down with the group. They all give him pats on the back, high-fives, and other "job-well-done's.")  
  
Mike: Hey Annie. Why don't you sing?  
  
Annie: Aww, come on, Mike. I can't sing.  
  
Mike: Come on. I can't either, and I sing, for you.  
  
Annie: (confessional) I didn't wanna go up there and sing, but once again, Mike talked me into it.  
  
Annie: Oh, okay, Mike.  
  
(Everyone claps as Annie goes up on stage. She sings Missy Elliot's "Work It" (A/N: This is the radio version.))  
  
Annie: â« DJ please, pick up your phone I'm on the request line This is a Missy Elliott one time exclusive (C'mon, c'mon)  
  
If it's worth it, let me work it I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*} If you got a big {*elephant noise*} let me search ya To find out how hard I gotta work ya {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*}  
  
I'd like to get to know ya, so I can show ya Put the pussy on ya, like I told ya Gimme all your numbers so I can phone ya Your girl acting stink than call me ov-ah Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa Call before you come, I need to shave my cho-cha You do or you don't or you will or you won't cha Go downtown and eat it like a vul-cha See my hips and my tips don'tcha See my ass and my lips don'tcha Lost a few pounds in my waist for ya This the kinda beat that go rat-tat-ta Ra-ta-ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah Work it! I need a glass of wat-ah Boy oh boy it's good to know ya  
  
If it's worth it, let me work it I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*} If you got a big {*elephant noise*} let me search ya To find out how hard I gotta work ya {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*}  
  
If you're a fly gal, get your nails done Get a pedicure, get your hair did Boy lift it up, let's make a toast-ah Let's get drunk, its gon bring us clos-ah Don't I look like a Halle Berry post-ah? See dem Belvedere playin tricks on ya Girlfriend wanna be like me nev-ah You won't find a bitch that's even bett-ah I make it hot as Las Vegas weath-ah Listen up close while I take you backwards {*"Watch the way Missy like to take it backwards" - backwards*} I'm not a prostitute but I can give you whatchu want I love your braids and your mouth full of funk Love the way my ass go ba- bump ba-bump bump Keep your eyes on my ba-bump ba-bump bump And think you can handle this ga-donk ga-donk donk Take my thong off and my ass go boom Cut the lights on so you see what I can do  
  
If it's worth it, let me work it I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*} If you got a big {*elephant noise*} let me search ya To find out how hard I gotta work ya {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*}  
  
Boys, boys, all type of boys Black, white, Puerto Rican, Chinese boys Wan tan taya taya tang-a-tang, wan tan taya taya tang-a-tang Girls, girls, get that cash If its 9 to 5 or shakin ya ass Ain't no shame ladies, do your thang Just make sure you ahead of tha game  
  
Just cause I got a lot of fame sup-ah Prince couldn't get me change my name papa Kunta Kinte, enslave a game, no sir Picture black sayin, "Oh yessuh massa" Picture Lil' Kim dating a pastor Minute man, big men can outlast ya Who is the best? I don't have to ask ya When I come out, you won't even matt-ah Why you act dumb like ughhh, duh So you act dumb like ughhh, duh And the drummer boy go pa-rum pa-pum pum Give ya some some some of this Cinnabon  
  
If it's worth it, let me work it I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*} If you got a big {*elephant noise*} let me search ya To find out how hard I gotta work ya {*"I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it" - backwards 2X*} To my fellas, ooooh Good God, I like the way you work that To my ladies, woo You sure know how to work that, good Godâ«  
  
(Annie finishes, amidst hooting and hollering from the guys. Mona and Winterson are a bit dumbfounded.)  
  
Mike: Well, who's next?  
  
Mona: What the hell, I'll go.  
  
(Mona goes up on stage. She sings Madonna's "Dress You Up." She dances and moves her body while she sings.)  
  
Mona: â« You've got style, that's what all the girls say  
  
Satin sheets and luxuries so fine  
  
All your suits are custom made in London  
  
But I've got something that you'll really like  
  
Gonna dress you up in my love  
  
All over, all over  
  
Gonna dress you up in my love  
  
All over your body  
  
Feel the silky touch of my caresses  
  
They will keep you looking so brand new  
  
Let me cover you with velvet kisses  
  
I'll create a look that's made for you  
  
Gonna dress you up in my love  
  
All over, all over  
  
Gonna dress you up in my love  
  
All over your body  
  
Gonna dress you up in my love, in my love  
  
All over your body, all over your body  
  
In my love  
  
All over, all over  
  
From your head down to your toesâ«  
  
(Mona finishes. All the guys are wowing at her performance. Vladimir is awe-struck, until Winterson smacks him hard on the arm.)  
  
Vladimir: Ow, what was that for?  
  
Winterson: (sarcastically) There was a fly on your arm.  
  
Mike: Next victim?  
  
(Silence from the group.)  
  
Mike: Just kidding. So, who goes next?  
  
Vinnie: I guess I'll go.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) I'm really gonna impress Mona with this one.  
  
(Vinnie goes up on stage. First he adjusts his windbreaker, and the small gold chain around his neck. He then sings 50 Cent's "P.I.M.P" (A/N: Again, the radio version.))  
  
Vinnie: â« I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
Now shorty she in da club, she's dancing for dollars She got a thing for that Gucci, that Fendi, that Prada That BCBG, Burberry, Dolce and Gabbana She's feeding fools fantasies they pay her cuz they want her I spit a little G-man and my game got her A hour later had her ass up in the Ramada Them trick -- in they ear saying they think about her I got the -- by the bar tryin to get a drink up out her She like my style, she like my smile, she like the way I talk She from the country, then she like me cuz I'm from New York I ain't that -- trying to holla cuz I want some -- I'm that -- trying to holla cuz I want some bread I could care less how she perform while she in the bed -- that try catch a date and come and play the kid Look baby this is simple you can't see, you -- me you -- with a P-I-M-P  
  
I don't know what you heard about me (woo) But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
I'm by my money you see, girl you can holla at me If you -- with me, I'm a P-I-M-P Not what you see on TV, no Cadillac, no breezy Head full of hair -- I'm a P-I-M-P Come get money with me, if you curious to see How it feels to be with a P-I-M-P Roll in the Benz with me, you could watch some TV From the backseat of my V, I'm a P-I-M-P Girl we could pop some champagne, and we could have a ball We could toast to the good life, girl we could have it all We could really splurge girl, and tempt the mall If ever you need someone, I'm the one you should call I be there to pick you up if ever you should fall If you got problems I could solve them, they big or they small Dat other -- you be with ain't about -- I'm your friend, your father, your confidant  
  
I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
Shorty I told you fools before, I stay with the twos I keep a Benz, some rims, and some jewels I holla at a -- till I got a -- confused She got on payless, me I got on gator shoes I'm shopping for Chinchillas, in the summer they cheaper Man this --, you could have her when I'm done I ain't gonna keep her Man -- come and go, every -- and pimp they know They say mystique but you ain't gotta keep it on the low -- tutor me how you strippin in the street Put my other -- down you get your -- beat Now lick my bottom --, you always come up with my bread The last -- she was with put stitches in her head Get your -- outta pocket I put a charge on the -- Cuz I need 4 TVs and they Mgs for a 6 -- make the pimp rich, I ain't payin Catch a -- trick  
  
I don't know what you heard about me (yea) But she can't get a dollar out of me (woo) No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P  
  
I don't know what you heard about me But she can't get a dollar out of me (yea) No Cadillac, no perms you can't see That I'm a -- P-I-M-P (yea)â«  
  
In Hollywood they say there's no business like show business In the hood they say there's no business like hoe business You know See I talk a little fast, but if you listen real fast I ain't gotta slow down for you to catch up Ha Ha Yea  
  
(Vinnie finishes. Everyone is trying to hide their giggling.)  
  
Annie: (confessional) Oh my god, Vinnie a rapper? That was so hilarious.  
  
Annie: Nice job, Eminem.  
  
Vinnie: Straight up. I'm da shizzle, my nizzle. Whaddaya say, girls? Wanna kick it in my crib?  
  
Mona: What the hell did you just say?  
  
Annie: I think that's a white girl's way of sayin' "no thanks," Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Oh. (sits down, dejected once again)  
  
Mike: All right. Who's next?  
  
(Winterson steps up to the challenge. She goes up and sings No Doubt's "Just a Girl.") Winterson: â«Take this pink ribbon off my eyes  
  
I'm exposed  
  
And it's no big surprise  
  
Don't you think I know  
  
Exactly where I stand  
  
This world is forcing me  
  
To hold your hand  
  
'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me  
  
Don't let me out of your sight  
  
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite  
  
So don't let me have any rights  
  
Oh... I've had it up to here!  
  
The moment that I step outside  
  
So many reasons  
  
For me to run and hide  
  
I can't do the little things  
  
I hold so dear  
  
'Cause it's all those little things  
  
That I fear  
  
'Cause I'm just a girl,  
  
I'd rather not be  
  
'Cause they won't let me drive  
  
Late at night  
  
I'm just a girl,  
  
Guess I'm some kind of freak  
  
'Cause they all sit and stare  
  
With their eyes  
  
I'm just a girl,  
  
Take a good look at me  
  
Just your typical prototype  
  
Oh... I've had it up to here!  
  
Oh... am I making myself clear?  
  
I'm just a girl  
  
I'm just a girl in the world...  
  
That's all that you'll let me be!  
  
I'm just a girl, living in captivity  
  
Your rule of thumb  
  
Makes me worry some  
  
I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?  
  
What I've succumbed to  
  
Is making me numb  
  
I'm just a girl, my apologies  
  
What I've become is so burdensome  
  
I'm just a girl, lucky me  
  
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison  
  
Oh... I've had it up to!  
  
Oh... I've had it up to!  
  
Oh... I've had it up to here.â« (Winterson finishes and sits down. The guys are giggling, because this wasn't what they were expecting.)  
  
Max: (confessional) Wow. Not what I was expecting. If there's one thing Winterson isn't, it's girlish. She was completely out of her element here.  
  
Vladimir: (confessional) She was cute. Very cute. And she looked like she had finally loosened up a bit.  
  
Vladimir: Very cute, Winterson.  
  
Winterson: Thanks, Vlad. (Smirks at Mona.)  
  
Mona: All right, Winterson, what's that supposed to mean?  
  
Winterson: What do you think it means?  
  
Mike: (quickly jumping in) Okay. Who's next?  
  
Vladimir: I'll go. I'll slow it down a bit for you, ladies.  
  
(Mona and Winterson quickly return to watching as Vladimir makes his way up to the stage. He fixes his duds a bit, then smoothly sings Gregory Abbott's "Shake You Down.")  
  
Vladimir: â« Oooow Oooow Yeaaaaaah  
  
Girl, I've been watching you From so far across the floor now baby That's nothing new I've watched you So many times before now baby I see that look in your eyes And what it's telling me And you know, oooh girl that I'm not shy I'm glad you picked up on my telepathy (now baby)  
  
You read my mind (You know you read) Girl I wanna shake you down I can give you all the loving you need Come on let me take you down We'll go all the way to heavenâ«  
  
(While Vladimir is singing, Winterson is grooving in her seat and is clearly getting in the mood. So is Mona.)  
  
Vladimir: (still singing) â«Ooooh I've been missing you And the way you make me feel inside What can I do? I can tell you've got your pride now baby Come to me (well well) let me ease your mind I've got the remedy, yes I do So give me just a little time  
  
You read my mind (You know you read) Girl I wanna shake you down I can give you all the loving you need Come on let me take you down We'll go all the way to heaven  
  
(mmhm) I can't stop thinking of the things we do The way you call me baby when I'm holding you I shake and I shiver when I know your near Then you whisper in my ear (oh baby)  
  
You read my mind (You know you read) Girl I wanna shake you down I can give you all the loving you need Come on let me take you down We'll go all the way to heaven  
  
You read my mind (You know you read) Girl I wanna shake you down I can give you all the loving you need Come on let me take you down We'll go all the way to heavenâ«  
  
(Vladimir finishes and sits with the rest of the group. Winterson, aroused, is clinging to him, seduced by his performance.)  
  
Winterson: (confessional) Wow. That was awesome. That guy is sooo smooth. I hope he takes me tonight with all his manly might.  
  
Winterson: Hey Vlad, you wanna shake me down tonight?  
  
Vladimir: (coolly) Yeah, sure, baby.  
  
Mike: All right. I guess it's your turn, Max.  
  
Max: Uhh, I don't know. Singing's not my thing... Well, all right, but only because everyone else did it.  
  
(Everyone claps as Max finally goes up on stage. He sings Nazareth's "Love Hurts.")  
  
Max: â« Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars Any heart not tough or strong enough To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts  
  
I'm young, I know, But even so I know a thing or two - I learned from you I really learned a lot, really learned a lot Love is like a flame It burns you when it's hot Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts  
  
Some fools speak of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness Some fools fool themselves, I guess They're not foolin' me I know it isn't true I know it isn't true Love is just a lie meant to make you blue Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts Ooo-oo Love hurts  
  
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true Love is just a lie meant to make you blue Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts Ooo-oo, Love hurts Ooo-oo  
  
(Max finishes and sits with the gang. They cheer as he sits.)  
  
Mona: Wow, that was great, Max.  
  
Max: Thanks, Mona.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Wow. Max was great. It sounded like he was pouring his heart out there. I like that in a man. Although Vlad was pretty smooth too. How I'd love to hook up with both of them at the same time...  
  
MTV Announcer: On the next episode of the Real World... the group experiences a slight change... And will the feud between Mona and Winterson finally come to a head?... Stay tuned.  
  
Okay, I know it was a little long, but I hope you guys liked it anyway. PLEASE R&R!!! 


	3. Episode III

Disclaimers: Once again, I don't own any of this stuff here. Rockstar owns Max Payne, and MTV Networks own The Real World, so don't sue, guys.  
  
This is still a work of fiction. Any similarities... yadda, yadda, yadda... are purely coincidental.  
  
A/N: I FINALLY beat MP2 on the Dead on Arrival mode, and got the second ending!!!  
  
And now, episode III of Max Payne and Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...  
  
Vinnie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Winterson: Find out what happens...  
  
Annie: when people stop being polite...  
  
Kaufman: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New...  
  
Max: (interrupting) Stop! Wait! Hold it! Who are you?  
  
Kaufman: Kaufman.  
  
Max: What are you doing here? Where's Mike?  
  
MTV Producer: (a little drunk) Okay, okay. I forgot to tell you. This is Kaufman. He'll be replacing Mike. Mike's dead.  
  
Everyone: What!? Mike's dead!? How!?  
  
MTV Producer: Some of our crew members found him upstairs early this morning. He had been shot nine times.  
  
Vinnie: (looks around nervously) So, uhh, who do they think did it... exactly?  
  
MTV Producer: No one's sure, but they think it was over a disagreement over music. The cops found a smashed stereo and several broken Country & Western CDs next to the body.  
  
Annie: (sobbing) Oh my god. Mike.  
  
Mona: He was such a nice guy.  
  
Max: Mike was a good guy, and now he's dead. I guess the good really do die young. They're like gold in this city.  
  
Mona: Max, knock it off with the metaphors. Now is not the time.  
  
Max: Sorry.  
  
Annie: (still sobbing) Oh my god. Mike.  
  
(Vinnie puts his arm around Annie.)  
  
Vinnie: It's all right, Annie. I'm here.  
  
Annie: (pushing Vinnie) Get away from me, Vinnie!  
  
Vinnie: What? What did I do? I'm just trying to...  
  
Annie: Bulls(bleep)t! I'll bet you killed Mike! You did, didn't you!?  
  
Vinnie: No! No! I didn't. Honest.  
  
Annie: You always hated Mike! And you were jealous of us! You couldn't wait to get rid of him and break us up!  
  
Vinnie: I NEVER wanted to kill him! I didn't...  
  
Max: Annie. Annie! I know you're upset, but now's not the time to take it out on the others.  
  
Vladimir: Max is right, Annie. I know Mike is dead, and we're all saddened, but the show must go on.  
  
Winterson: Right. You gotta pull yourself together.  
  
Annie: (holding back her tears) All right. All right. I'll do it, for Mike.  
  
Mona: That's the ticket, Annie. (as the rest of the group goes to do their stuff) By the way, nice to meet you, Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: Hello.  
  
(The house, early afternoon)  
  
(Vladimir, Winterson, and Vinnie are on the sofa, watching TV, Mona is practicing Tae-Bo, Annie is in the kitchen, and Max and Kaufman are playing dominoes.)  
  
Kaufman: (slaps down a domino) Ten. I win.  
  
Max: Damn, you're good. Where'd you learn to play dominoes like that?  
  
Kaufman: Picked it up.  
  
Max: Oh, I see.  
  
Max: (confessional) That Kaufman guy's a little spooky. He's rather quiet – too quiet. A silent mouth always hides a dark secret.  
  
Winterson: Hey Mona. Could you move a little? We can't see the TV?  
  
Mona: (sighs) Yeah, fine. (Moves over a little, then continues to practice her Tae-Bo.)  
  
Winterson: Mona!? We still can't hear.  
  
Mona: Well, sorry. I still gotta practice and stay in shape. Maybe you should try it.  
  
Winterson: Yeah, maybe I should. I don't get to burn off all this fat sleeping around.  
  
Mona: That's it! You want a piece of this, b(bleep)ch!?  
  
Winterson: I'll take the whole thing, you c(bleep)t!  
  
(Mona slaps Winterson hard across the face. Winterson comes back with a right hook. The two lock themselves into a brawl to end all brawls.)  
  
Vladimir: Winterson, stop!  
  
Vinnie: Get her, Mona. Get her!  
  
(Mona and Winterson continue to fight. They crash into the small table where Max and Kaufman are playing , knocking it over and spilling the dominoes.)  
  
Max: Dammit, you two! I was winning!  
  
Kaufman: Bummer.  
  
(Vladimir and Max go over to break up the fight. Max pulls Mona away, while Vladimir takes Winterson.)  
  
Mona: (struggling) You f(bleep)ing b(bleep)ch! F(bleep)k you!  
  
Winterson: (also struggling) You come near me or Vlad again and you'll get another ass-whipping, slut!  
  
(Annie comes running out of the kitchen.)  
  
Annie: What the hell's going on?  
  
Max: Nothing. Go back in the kitchen. Nothing to see here.  
  
Annie: Then what's with all the damn yelling?  
  
Vinnie: (chuckling) Mona and Winterson got into this huge fight. Mona was about to kick her ass, too.  
  
Max: Knock it off, Vinnie. Mona. What is wrong with you?  
  
Mona: That b(bleep)ch over there started it. I'm sick of her constant snide remarks about me.  
  
Winterson: If the shoe fits...  
  
Vladimir: Winterson! You shouldn't have insulted Mona. That was uncalled for.  
  
Winterson: You're taking her side?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. You were out of line talking to her like that.  
  
Winterson: Well, it's not my fault if the truth hurts.  
  
Mona: I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND, DAMMIT!!  
  
Max: Stop it, Mona!! You were out of line too, losing it like that!  
  
Mona: Well, what am I supposed to do when she keeps shooting off her big mouth like that?  
  
Vladimir: That's right, Max. She's tired of always being cut down.  
  
Max: Well, she still shouldn't have done what she did. She ruined my domino game, and I was winning!  
  
Mona: Well, so sorry we ruined your precious domino game. I'll try to schedule my crises so they won't interfere with your domino game.  
  
Kaufman: Thank you.  
  
Vinnie: And for your information, Winterson, Mona does not sleep with every guy. She ain't slept with me.  
  
Mona: Shut up, Vinnie.  
  
Vladimir: Yeah, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: What? I'm on your side, Mona.  
  
Annie: A'right, let's all just calm down and be cool, a'right? Mona, you should go cool off in your room; Winterson, go cool off in yours. Everyone else stay in the living room. I'll have lunch ready in about an hour, and we can all eat then, a'right?  
  
Mona: Yeah, sure. (Goes up to her room)  
  
Winterson: Fine. (Goes to her room)  
  
Mona: (confessional) I guess I shouldn't have blown up at Winterson like that. But I'm just sick and tired of her constant remarks at my expense. I am not a slut.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) Maybe I shouldn't have made that comment toward Mona, but the way she acts, the way she dresses... I'm concerned that she's gonna steal Vlad away. I don't know... maybe I should apologize to her anyway for that comment.  
  
(The house, one hour later)  
  
Annie: Guys, lunch is ready!  
  
(Everyone comes pouring into the kitchen, where spaghetti and store-bought oven-baked breadsticks are waiting. On the way down, Mona and Winterson see each other.)  
  
Mona: Hey.  
  
Winterson: Hey.  
  
Mona: Look, I'm sorry I blew up at you like that.  
  
Winterson: No, it's okay. I shouldn't have made that nasty remark toward you. Friends? (holds out her hand)  
  
Mona: Friends. (shakes it)  
  
(The two join the others in the dining room.)  
  
Annie: Hey, yaw. You two okay?  
  
Mona: Yeah, we made up.  
  
Winterson: Yeah, that's right. We did.  
  
Vladimir: Hey, that's great.  
  
Max: All right.  
  
(While everyone is eating...)  
  
Mona: So, what club will we be going to tonight?  
  
Vinnie: Hey, let's go karaokying again.  
  
(Annie starts sobbing.)  
  
Vinnie: Oh, sorry Annie. Sorry.  
  
(Kaufman has a slightly dumbfounded look on his face.)  
  
Max: Long story. Has to do with Mike.  
  
(Kaufman nods.)  
  
Vinnie: Oh, I know! There's this great jazz club in Soho. I know the owner and most of the guys that work there. I could get us in, no problem. Whaddya guys say?  
  
Kaufman: Cool.  
  
Winterson: You're a man of words, Kaufman.  
  
Mona: Hey, I'm with Kaufman. I like jazz.  
  
Winterson: Y'know, for once I agree with Mona. I listen to jazz quite a bit.  
  
Max: I'll go too.  
  
Vladimir: Me too.  
  
Annie: Yeah, jazz is cool.  
  
Vinnie: Wow, we're all in agreement for a change. Well, I guess it's, ah, how ya put it... unanimous.  
  
(Angelo's Jazz Club, Soho, that evening)  
  
(We see the gang getting out of the van. They go up and get in line to get into the club. After a while, they get to the door, where the bouncer is working. It's Frankie "the Bat" Niagara, from MP1. He has his trademark baseball bat by his side. He checks everyone's ID, which everyone has with them but Mona.)  
  
Mona: Look, uh, I don't have my ID with me. I think I may have left it in my other purse, but I'm with Vinnie.  
  
Frankie: Look, I don't care who you say you're with. Y'ain't gettin' in witout ID.  
  
Mona: Look, I'm over 21. Honest. Ask anyone here.  
  
Vladimir: Yes, she really is over 21.  
  
Frankie: I don't care. If she ain't got her ID to prove it, she ain't gettin' in.  
  
Annie: Look, couldn't you just make an exception this once?  
  
Frankie: No. Last time I did, the cops came in. They found out and nearly shut us down, and I nearly lost my job.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, Frankie...  
  
Frankie: Vinnie. How ya been?  
  
Vinnie: I'm good. Listen, Frankie, I know the position you're in, but I know Mona, and she really is over 21, so if you could just let her in with us this once, I promise no one will tell anyone. C'mon, Frankie. Do your old buddy a favor.  
  
Frankie: I dunno. I still don't think I should.  
  
Vinnie: Y'know, you still owe me a favor. Remember who got you those tickets to the Captain Baseball Bat Boy Convention last year?  
  
Frankie: Yeah.  
  
Vinnie: And you remember what I had to go through to get 'em?  
  
Frankie: Yeah, I remember.  
  
Vinnie: And remember you said, "Vinnie, my hero. If I can ever repay you for this, just let me know, and I'll do it."  
  
Frankie: I didn't say, "My hero."  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. But don't you think you should keep that promise, and let Mona in, just this once?  
  
(Frankie looks around, then thinks for a second.)  
  
Frankie: All right, go on. (moves the rope to let the group in, including Mona.)  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Frankie.  
  
Mona: Thanks, Frankie.  
  
Frankie: Yeah, yeah, just remember, you promised not to tell anyone I did this.  
  
Vinnie: (smiling) Did what?  
  
Frankie: Good answer.  
  
(Frankie returns to his duties as the gang walks in. Inside the club, we see many people seated either around the tables or at the bar. At the front, on stage, we see a live band performing. It's the Trio, also from MP1. Pilot Providence, "Big Brother," is on drums, Joe Salem is on the bass, and Vince Mugnaio is singing/playing piano. They are currently performing "Fly Me to the Moon," by Sinatra. The gang quickly finds a table.)  
  
Vinnie: All right. What does everyone want to drink?  
  
Vladimir: White Russian.  
  
Mona: I'll have a Piña Colada.  
  
Winterson: I'll have a White Russian.  
  
Annie: I'll have a Long Island Iced Tea.  
  
Max: I think I'll have a Corona.  
  
Vinnie: Okay, what about you, Kaufman?  
  
Kaufman: Coors.  
  
Vinnie: All right. Hey, Payne, can you help me carry the drinks?  
  
Max: Sure, Vinnie.  
  
(Vinnie and Max walk over to the bar and get the bartender's attention. The bartender is Jack Lupino, from MP1 as well.)  
  
Lupino: Heyyy, Vinnie. Long time, no see, buddy. What'll it be?  
  
Vinnie: Hey, Jack. I'll have my usual, and I also need two White Russians, a Piña Colada, a Long Island Iced Tea, a Corona, and a Coors.  
  
Lupino: Right.  
  
(Lupino goes over and makes the drinks. He comes back in a few minutes with all the drinks that the others ordered, plus a weird red & white mixed drink, which Vinnie promptly takes a sip of.)  
  
Lupino: There ya go, Vinnie. One Captain Baseball Bat Boy, and all the other drinks for your friends. That'll be $35.75.  
  
(Vinnie pays Lupino.)  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Jack.  
  
Lupino: Thank you, Vinnie. (to Max) Hey, nice coat, buddy.  
  
Max: Thanks.  
  
(Max helps Vinnie carry the drinks back to the table.)  
  
Vinnie: Here ya go, fellas.  
  
Mona: Thanks for bringing us here, Vinnie. This place is nice.  
  
Vinnie: (trying to act cool) My pleasure, Mona.  
  
Winterson: This is a great place, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Winterson. Everyone else like it okay?  
  
Vladimir: Yes, thanks, Vinnie.  
  
Annie: It's pretty trippin'.  
  
Max: It's an eternal happy hour here.  
  
Vinnie: Uhh, yeah, thanks, Payne. What about you, Kaufman?  
  
Kaufman: Cool.  
  
(The Trio starts to play a jazzy version of "The Piña Colada Song," by Rupert Holmes.)  
  
Mona: Ha! How funny is this? I order a Piña Colada, and the band starts playing this song.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, Mona, that is pretty funny.  
  
(The two giggle. While they are giggling, they catch a glimpse of each other's eyes. They stare into each other's eyes for a long moment, until...)  
  
Max: Hey, Mona. What do you think of the music?  
  
Mona: (a little irritated) It's fine. It's just fine, thank you very much.  
  
Max: (oblivious) Good. Glad you like it.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Oh my god! I can't believe I was actually starting to feel attracted to Vinnie. What was it? Oh sure, he got me in when I forgot my ID, and he got me that Piña Colada. Maybe it was the song. Or maybe he was in the right place at the right time. Whatever it is, this is just way too weird.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Oh yeah, she wants me now. I told you I was gonna hook up with somebody on this trip. It's only a matter of time before Mona falls under my spell.  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode of "The Real World"... the gang finds out more about Mike's untimely death... and does the gang actually get two words out of Kaufman... Stay tuned for more.  
  
As always, any R&R's are more than welcome. And there is still more on the way, so stay tuned... 


	4. Episode IV

Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, The Real World, or anything that has anything to do with the two. Rockstar owns Max Payne, MTV Networks owns The Real World.  
  
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to ANYONE or ANYTHING are purely coincidental.  
  
And now... Episode IV of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Annie: This is the story...  
  
Kaufman: of seven strangers...  
  
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Winterson: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vladimir: Find out what happens...  
  
Mona: when people stop being polite...  
  
Max: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(Annie, Vinnie, and Kaufman's room, morning)  
  
(We see Annie in the room alone, dressed head-to-toe in black, funeral-type clothing. She is listening to some of Mike's Country & Western CDs, and sobbing a little. Max comes in momentarily, wearing a dark suit under his black leather trench coat.)  
  
Max: Annie, we need to get going. We don't want to be late to the funeral.  
  
Annie: (teary-eyed) All right. (Goes to turn off CD player)  
  
Max: How are you holding up, Annie?  
  
Annie: Fine, I guess.  
  
Max: He was a good guy, wasn't he?  
  
Annie: Yes, he was.  
  
Max: I miss him.  
  
Annie: Me too.  
  
(Vinnie and Kaufman show up)  
  
Vinnie: C'mon, let's go. We're gonna be late.  
  
Annie: All right, for chrissakes! I'm comin'!  
  
Max: Hey guys, she's still a bit upset. Just give us one more minute.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
(Kaufman and Vinnie leave)  
  
Max: Annie, I know you're upset, and you probably don't want to go through this, but Mike is dead. We have to go and bury him. It's what he would have wanted.  
  
Annie: I know. It's just... I still think Vinnie killed him.  
  
Max: Now Annie, don't start that again. There's no evidence of that.  
  
Annie: Broken CDs by his body. Vinnie's jealousy of us. His dislike for Mike and his music. Who else could it be?  
  
Max: Look, I know Vinnie and Mike weren't the best of friends, but it doesn't mean that Vinnie killed him. I think that you just need to calm down and come bury Mike. You're upset and you want to find someone to blame, but none of this is helping. It won't bring him back – believe me, I know. You've gotta let it go and let Mike go. Mike would say the same thing.  
  
Annie: (holding back tears) All right. I'll be okay.  
  
Max: That's the ticket. Now let's go, while we still have time.  
  
(The funeral home, morning)  
  
(The whole gang enters and makes their way to the front pews, which have been reserved for them. They all sit and wait for the service to begin. At the front of the chapel is the coffin, with a picture of Mike and some flowers on a small table beside it. The coffin is completely closed. Kaufman is still wearing his baseball cap when he sits down.)  
  
Mona: (thumps Kaufman on the head) Take off your hat, you dumb hick. We're at a funeral.  
  
Kaufman: Sorry. (removes his hat)  
  
(The chaplain soon takes the stand and the funeral begins.)  
  
Chaplain: We are gathered here today to pay our final respects to Mike the Cowboy. Mike was a good man who made it a point in his life to make people happy. He touched everyone around him. While he will be missed in this world, we must all remember that he is in a much better world now. He is in a place where all his kindness, all his goodness will be well rewarded. We must also remember that someday, we will be reunited with Mike in that better place.  
And now, some of Mike's friends will each say something about him.  
  
(Annie takes the stand first.)  
  
Annie: (sobbing) I first met Mike when we shared a limo. He was quite a different man then I was used to. But as I got to know him, I found out how sweet that man was. Some of the best moments of my life were shared with him in the short time that I knew him. He opened my eyes to so many new and different things – things that I never would have discovered without him. Every time he was near, I couldn't help but smile. And now he's gone. I know that he's in a better place, but what I wouldn't give to be sitting with him listening to his Country & Western CD collection once again.  
  
(The congregation says "Amen" as Annie takes her seat. Max then goes up to speak.)  
  
Max: Like a black cat on a snowy mountain top, Mike was a very different man. And he didn't care. He wasn't afraid to be himself, wasn't afraid of what others thought. That's what made him such a genuine person. But he didn't separate himself from the others either. He made an effort to share his likes, his tastes, his unique perspectives with others. Like the portal to another universe, he opened our eyes to so many new things in life. And he wouldn't let us leave until we were happy. Mike, you touched all our lives. And we'll never forget you.  
  
("Amen's" from the congregation as Max sits down. Vinnie goes up next.)  
  
Vinnie: Mike and I didn't exactly see eye-to-eye. But Mike at least made an effort to be friends with me. And he offered to share his passions with me. I should have been more open-minded with him. I shouldn't have let my petty jealousy come between a possible friendship with such a good man. Mike, if you can hear me right now... I'm sorry. I really do wish that I'd a' reached out to ya more.  
  
("Amen's" from everyone but Annie, who still thinks Vinnie whacked Mike. Vinnie sits down; Mona goes up.)  
  
Mona: Mike was the most easygoing guy I had ever met. He could see the good in anything. Not only did he open our eyes to new things, but he was also always willing to try things that were new to him. Whether we were skydiving or singing together or just hanging out together, Mike would always find a way to brighten our lives in some small way. I don't know what Heaven is like, but I hope Mike finds it a peaceful place, just like the open prairie that he always wanted to live on.  
  
(The congregation "Amen's" as Mona sits. Vladimir goes up next.)  
  
Vladimir: I could write a book listing all the reasons that I will miss Mike. He is leaving a big, empty void that no one will ever be able to fill. It didn't matter how bad one of us would be feeling. Whenever Mike was around, we would all be smiling again, forgetting whatever it was that was dragging us down. He touched us all, and expected nothing in return. If more people in this world would follow Mike's lead, the world would be so much better... Good-bye, Mike. I hope that wherever you are, you are richly blessed for all your kindness and generosity.  
  
(Vladimir sits among more "Amen's" from the congregation. Winterson goes up next.)  
  
Winterson: Mike had such a pleasant nature about him that spread across our group like wildfire. He could put up with any one of us and all our faults. He never judged anyone of us for being different from him, but always gave us the benefit of the doubt. This was evident whenever anyone wanted to do something that he had never done before. He went into it with a positive attitude. If everyone was half as positive-thinking as Mike was, so much more things would be accomplished in this world. Mike, I hope that we and the rest of the world can come to look at things like you did, and make you proud.  
  
("Amen's" as Winterson sits down. To the surprise of everyone, Kaufman goes up to say a few words.)  
  
Kaufman: I liked Mike, and Mike liked me.  
  
("Amen's" as Kaufman sits down. The chaplain goes up now.)  
  
Chaplain: Does anyone else have anything to say?  
  
(No one responds.)  
  
Chaplain: Then let us all go out into the world, taking the memory of Mike with us, but remembering that Mike is now in a better place, and is watching us. Amen.  
  
(Everyone repeats "Amen," and exits the building, each person passing by the coffin to say one last good-bye to Mike.)  
  
(The house, early afternoon)  
  
(The gang enters. Everyone else goes into the living room and sits down. Vinnie goes up to his room. Mona follows him.)  
  
Mona: Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, hey, Mona. Good service, huh?  
  
Mona: Yes, it was. I just wanted to say... that that was a beautiful speech you gave today.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, uh, thanks, Mona.  
  
(Vinnie walks over to a chest of drawers to take off his tie. When he sets it down, he accidentally knocks off his knapsack, which is unzipped.)  
  
Mona: Oh, here, I'll get that.  
  
Vinnie: (nervously) No, no, no, it's okay, let me get it.  
  
Mona: No, please, I'll get it.  
  
(Vinnie picks it up, and accidentally reveals a .50AE Desert Eagle handgun, which has fallen out of the knapsack. He quickly notices and stuffs it back in, but Mona has seen it too.)  
  
Mona: Vinnie... what the hell?  
  
Vinnie: What?  
  
Mona: What are you doing with that gun in your bag?  
  
Vinnie: What gun?  
  
Mona: "What gun?" The gun that just fell out of your bag. Why are you carrying a gun?  
  
Vinnie: Well, ah... for protection. Good thing I have it too, with what happened to Mike.  
  
(Mona doesn't seem convinced.)  
  
Vinnie: What? I come from a rough neighborhood. I'm always packin'. If you don't pack, you're dead. That's the sad truth.  
  
(Mona starts to walk away.)  
  
Vinnie: Mona? Mona, come on... There's no need to tell anyone about this. I just carry it for protection. I'm not out to hurt anybody. Come on, you'll just make everyone nervous and edgy. Come on, please...  
  
Mona: (thinks for a second) All right, I won't tell.  
  
Vinnie: Thanks a lot, Mona. I appreciate it.  
  
Mona: (confessional) I have to tell somebody about this. I really don't think that Vinnie having a gun and Mike being found shot to death are purely coincidental. I probably shouldn't just blurt it out to everyone though. I know! I'll tell Max in private. He seems like he'd know what to do. You know what else is suspicious? Kaufman saying that he liked Mike and Mike liked him. The producer said that he was brought in to replace Mike, so how did Kaufman know Mike beforehand? I think I'll mention that to Max too.  
  
(The house, that evening.)  
  
(The gang is lounging around in their street clothes, watching TV. They are beginning to look tired.)  
  
Vladimir: I think I'm going to go to bed.  
  
Winterson: Good idea, Vlad. I'm getting tired too. It's been kind of a rough day.  
  
Annie: Y'know what? I think I'm gonna turn in too.  
  
Vinnie: Me too.  
  
Kaufman: Me too.  
  
Max: I'm a little frayed about the edges too, like an overused copper wire. I'm gonna turn in too.  
  
(Everyone goes up to go to bed. Mona quietly slips behind Max and taps him on the shoulder.)  
  
Mona: Um, Max? Can I talk to you in the kitchen before you go up?  
  
Max: Sure, Mona.  
  
(Max and Mona go to the kitchen.)  
  
Max: What's up, Mona?  
  
Mona: I gotta tell you something, and for right now, I think we should keep it between us.  
  
Max: Sure, Mona. What is it?  
  
Mona: Earlier today, I went up to tell Vinnie that he gave a good speech at the funeral today, and when he accidentally knocked over his knapsack, a gun fell out of it.  
  
Max: A gun? Are you sure?  
  
Mona: Max, I know what a gun looks like, and a gun fell out of Vinnie's bag. With Mike having been shot to death too.  
  
Max: Hmm, this is too small a world for coincidences.  
  
Mona: Yeah, well, there's more of 'em too. Remember at the funeral, when Kaufman said, "I liked Mike and Mike liked me?" Well, how would Kaufman know Mike? The producer said that Kaufman was replacing Mike. That sounds awfully suspicious too.  
  
Max: Hmm, yes, it does, a bit. (Thinks for a second) Okay, we'll wait until everyone is asleep. Then...  
  
Winterson: (walking in) What's going on, guys?  
  
Mona: (surprised) What are you doing here? I thought you were going up to bed.  
  
Winterson: I was just getting some water. What's going on? (suspicious) What are you two going to do when we're all asleep?  
  
Mona: Nothing. Go on to bed. Everything's fine.  
  
Max: Winterson, wait.  
  
Mona: Max...  
  
Max: Mona, we should probably let Winterson in on this too. It's okay. Winterson can help too.  
  
Winterson: Help with what, Max?  
  
Max: All right, but for now, don't tell anyone else about this, okay?  
  
Winterson: All right. What is it?  
  
Max: Mona was talking to Vinnie earlier today, and she found a gun in his knapsack.  
  
Winterson: A gun? Vinnie's carrying a gun around?  
  
Max: Yes. Also, did you notice Kaufman's speech? He talked as if he knew him before he came on with us.  
  
Winterson: Hmmm... Yes, as a matter of fact I did notice that. So what are we going to do about this?  
  
Max: We're all going to wait until everyone else is asleep. Then we're gonna get Vinnie's gun away from him. Then we're gonna turn it over to the police and see if they can match the slugs to the ones in Mike. So, are you two with me?  
  
Mona: I am, Max.  
  
Winterson: So am I.  
  
Vladimir: (off-screen, from upstairs) Winterson, aren't you coming to bed?  
  
Winterson: I'll be up in a moment, babe! You go on to sleep!  
  
Mona: Let's just hang down here for a little bit, then we'll go up and try to get that gun.  
  
(The house, shortly after midnight)  
  
(It has grown very quiet around the house. Max, Mona, and Winterson are seated at the dining room table, waiting.)  
  
Max: (whispering) Okay, I think everyone's asleep now.  
  
Winterson: (whispering) Okay, one of us should go up – it'll be easier for one person to keep quiet while getting that gun. The other two will wait here.  
  
Mona: (whispering also) I'll go up. I'm good at sneaking around and staying quiet.  
  
Max: Okay, we'll wait here.  
  
(Mona creeps slowly up the stairs. She doesn't make a sound as she tiptoes down the hall into Vinnie, Annie, and Kaufman's room. All three are sound asleep. She looks around, and then tiptoes over to Vinnie's chest of drawers. She slowly and quietly unzips the knapsack that is still on top of it, but finds no gun. She looks around and tiptoes over to Vinnie's nightstand by his bed. She opens both drawers, but still finds no gun. She glances over at the bed and sees a silver-looking metal object sticking out slightly from under the mattress. Upon closer inspection, she sees that it is the gun. She slowly and quietly slides her hand under the mattress.)  
  
Vinnie: Mmmm... Mona...  
  
(Mona almost shrieks, but catches herself just in the nick of time. She is frozen.)  
  
Vinnie: Mmmm... Winterson...  
  
(Mona sees that Vinnie is still asleep, and appears to be dreaming. She continues to slowly pull the gun out from under his mattress.)  
  
Vinnie: Mmmm... Annie...  
  
(Mona finishes pulling out the gun and gingerly handles it as she proceeds to slip back out of the room.)  
  
Vinnie: Mmmm... Max...  
  
(Mona gets a "What the f***?" look on her face. She then continues to quietly slip out of the room. As she passes by Kaufman, who is fast asleep...)  
  
Kaufman: Baaa... baaa...  
  
(Another dumbfounded look from Mona, but it soon passes as she returns to her escape. She finally slips out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen, unnoticed.)  
  
Max: (whispering) Did you get it?  
  
Mona: (also whispering) Yes, I did. Right here.  
  
(Mona hands him the Desert Eagle. Max takes out the clip and examines it. It is a seven-shot clip, and two bullets are missing from the clip.)  
  
Max: Winterson, how many times did they say Mike was shot?  
  
Winterson: Nine, I think.  
  
Max: Well, there's two shots missing from this seven-shot clip. It could mean that Vinnie emptied one clip into Mike, reloaded, and then shot him two more times... theoretically.  
  
Mona: Uhh, guys, don't you think we should get this down to the police station before we wake up somebody talking about this?  
  
Winterson: You're right, Mona. Let's go.  
  
(14th Precinct, NYPD, Manhattan, around 1:30 AM)  
  
(Max, Mona, and Winterson enter the station house. Mona is carrying Vinnie's gun in her purse.)  
  
Max: Mona, wait here with that. I'll go talk to front desk officer.  
  
(Max and Winterson go up to the front desk. They show them their badges.)  
  
Officer: Yes, can I help you two?  
  
Max: Yes, I'm Detective Max Payne. This is Detective Valerie Winterson. That's Mona Sax over there. (Points to Mona.) Mona over there has come upon a gun that we have reason to believe was used in the commission of a murder. She has the gun with her right now, in her purse. We'd like to take it to ballistics for testing.  
  
Officer: Okay, go on up.  
  
(Max motions for Mona to follow him. Mona leaves her purse with the officer while she passes through the metal detector. She goes through without a hitch, and then Max and Winterson follow. Mona takes back her purse with the gun in it, and the three go to the elevator. They go up to the seventh floor and go into the crime lab.)  
  
Lab Technician: Can I help you guys?  
  
(Max and Winterson show the Lab Technician their badges. Mona notices this time.)  
  
Mona: (whispering) Max, you and Winterson didn't tell me that you were cops.  
  
Winterson: (also whispering) You never asked.  
  
Max: (whispering) Yeah, it didn't seem important at the beginning, given the setting.  
  
Winterson: (to Lab Technician) Yes, I'm Detective Winterson, this is Detective Payne. And that's Mona Sax. Mona has come upon a gun that we believe was used in the murder of Mike the Cowboy.  
  
Lab Technician: Oh, yes. I've been looking at some of the evidence on that case. Who's gun is that that you have there?  
  
Max: We don't know if it's registered to him, but the gun was found in the possession of one Vinnie Gognitti. We'd like you to match it against the slugs found on Mike.  
  
Lab Technician: Okay, let's see that gun.  
  
(Mona promptly takes the gun out of her purse and hands it to the Lab Technician. He examines it a little bit.)  
  
Lab Technician: Hmmm, looks like there's still a serial number on it, so this Gognitti fella might be in possession of it legally. But we'll just wait until after all the tests are done. I could probably call you with the results sometime tomorrow.  
  
Max: Okay. (Writes down the phone number to the house on the back of a business card, and then hands it to the Lab Technician.) Thank you.  
  
Lab Technician: I'll try to call tomorrow with the results.  
  
(The three leave to return to the house.)  
  
Max: (confessional) I hate to admit it, but like the constant barking of a watchdog, I can't ignore Annie's suspicions anymore. The evidence is confirming them more and more.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) Uh oh. Vinnie could be a murderer. That's not good. I don't want to live in the same roof as a murderer. What if he comes after me next? Or Vlad? I kinda hope he's innocent, but the evidence seems to be pointing toward him.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Too bad. I was actually starting to like Vinnie. Now we have to put him in jail. But I don't know... maybe I should wait for the phone call before rushing to judgment.  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode of "The Real World"... a moment of truth comes calling... And what will happen between Vladimir and Winterson? Stay tuned for more, on MTV's "The Real World."  
  
As always, R&R's are always welcome. And please, do stay tuned for more... 


	5. Episode Va

Disclaimers: Once again, I don't own any of this stuff. Rockstar owns Max Payne; MTV owns the Real World. So nobody sue, okay?  
  
This stuff is all made-up. Any similarities, yadda, yadda, yadda, are purely coincidental.  
  
And now, Episode V of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...  
  
Vinnie: and have their lives ended... er, I mean, taped.  
  
Winterson: Find out what happens...  
  
Annie: when people stop being polite...  
  
Kaufman: and start being real...  
  
Everybody: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, late morning)  
  
(We see Vladimir and Vinnie on the couch, watching a basketball game. Mona, Winterson, and Annie are in the kitchen, talking about nothing in particular. Max and Kaufman are playing dominoes – Kaufman is winning, but Max is determined to beat him just once.)  
  
Kaufman: Ten.  
  
Max: (adds ten points to Kaufman's score on a slip of paper) Nice job, but I'm gonna win today.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
Mona: ...so, like, I'm shopping at Saks, and I go to try on these designer pumps. So I catch a glimpse of the label... and they're knockoffs.  
  
Annie: Good night, what'd you do?  
  
Mona: I toss 'em off and run like hell home, then I wash my feet in kerosene. Annie: By the way, did you go out last night after we all went to bed?  
  
Mona: Er, no. Why would we?  
  
Annie: We?  
  
Mona: Uhhh...  
  
Winterson: Oh, Mona, Max, and I couldn't sleep, so we came down to watch TV. Maybe that's what you heard.  
  
Annie: Hm, I guess so.  
  
(The phone rings. Annie picks it up.)  
  
Annie: Hello... Who?... Okay, hold on just a moment. (Calling out) Yo! Gotta phone call for Max or Winterson.  
  
Max: I'll take it upstairs! Don't you go anywhere or move anything, Kaufman. Today's the day I beat you.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
(Max goes upstairs and picks up the phone in his and Mona's room.)  
  
Max: Hello.  
  
Lab Technician: (on other end) Hello, Detective Payne. This is Carl from down at the 14th Precinct Crime Lab. I've got the results of the ballistics test run on the gun you turned in. It looks like the slugs match the ones we found at the crime scene that allegedly penetrated Mike.  
  
Max: Allegedly?  
  
Lab Technician: Yes, because we never actually found the body. All the slugs were embedded in the wall. We figure they passed through Mike, but there was no body.  
  
Max: Hmm, this adds another wrinkle to iron out of this already slept-in designer suit.  
  
Lab Technician: What?  
  
Max: Nothing. Never mind. Anyway, what about the serial number on the gun?  
  
Lab Technician: Oh yeah, the gun showed up as registered to Vincent Gognitti.  
  
Max: Thought so. All right, thanks. (hangs up the phone)  
  
Max: (confessional) That is funny, the cops not having found the body. But all the other evidence now points to Vinnie like a road map. We've gotta press him, and now.  
  
Max: (calling downstairs) Mona! Winterson! Can you come up here please?  
  
(Mona and Winterson soon appear.)  
  
Winterson: What is it, Max?  
  
Max: That was the lab on the phone. It turns out that the slugs match, and the gun is registered to Vinnie. But there is one thing.  
  
Mona: What?  
  
Max: They didn't find a body. The lab technician said that forensics dug the slugs out of the wall. They think that maybe the slugs passed through Mike, but since there's no body, they can't be sure.  
  
Winterson: Yeah, that is weird.  
  
Mona: So what? It was clearly Vinnie's gun that killed Mike, and Vinnie's got motive. We've gotta press him. And Kaufman, too. Kaufman's gotta be in on it somehow.  
  
(Vinnie comes walking in, followed by Kaufman.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey, what's up, guys?  
  
(Silence from the others. Vinnie gets nervous.)  
  
Vinnie: What's going on?  
  
Max: Winterson, get the others. Mona, stand in the doorway.  
  
Kaufman: Uh oh.  
  
Vinnie: Max, what the f(bleep)k is going on?  
  
(Max waits for the others to show up. As soon as they do, he begins.)  
  
Max: Hey Vinnie. Tell me something – are you missing anything?  
  
(Vinnie goes over to look through his knapsack. He sees that his gun is missing.)  
  
Vinnie: What the...  
  
Max: If you're looking for that gun, it's with the police.  
  
Vinnie: Mona! You promised not to tell anyone about that!  
  
Mona: Sorry, Vinnie, but I can't cover this up.  
  
Max: Looks like your gun matches the one used to kill Mike.  
  
Annie: I knew it! And you guys didn't believe me!  
  
Vinnie: No, listen. You got it all wrong.  
  
Winterson: Oh, let me guess. The gun accidentally went off by itself... nine times. With a seven-shot clip.  
  
(Vinnie is looking around nervously, as if mentally debating whether or not to fess up.)  
  
Vladimir: Well, Vinnie, we're waiting. What do you have to say for yourself?  
  
MTV Announcer: Does Vinnie really know something that the others don't? Or is he just trying to excuse his crime? Find out next, after the break, on The Real World... 


	6. Commercial Break 1

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff – Rockstar and MTV Networks does.  
  
This product doesn't actually exist – I just made it up.  
  
Max Payne & Co. present The Real World will return shortly after a word from our sponsors...  
  
(We see Max Payne walking along.)  
  
Max: I am Max Payne. Like an Oklahoma dust devil, I always encounter pain in my line of work...  
  
(As Max continues walking, we see Vinnie hit Max upside the head with a baseball bat.)  
  
Max: (ignoring Vinnie) so when I come home, I need something strong to dull it...  
  
(Max walks by Mona, who pistol-whips him)  
  
Max: (ignoring Mona) That's why after a long day on the job that flows like one river into another...  
  
(Max passes Winterson, who shoots him in the back.)  
  
Max: (ignoring Winterson) I reach for a bottle of Payne-Killer Whiskey...  
  
(Max now passes Mike, who throws a Molotov cocktail at him. He matter-of- factly sidesteps to avoid it. His pants leg catches fire, but he quickly stomps out the fire.)  
  
Max: Payne-Killer Whiskey is good stuff – it tastes sweet as honey going down. And, it will kill any pain you can think of...  
  
(We see both Annie and Kaufman fire at Max. Both of Max's ears are grazed from the gunfire.)  
  
Max: So after a hard day, reach for a hard dose... of Payne-Killer Whiskey...  
  
(Max finally passes by Vladimir, who shoots him in the head.)  
  
Max: Uh oh. In this case, I'd probably better make it two. 


	7. Episode Vb

Disclaimers: Don't own any of this stuff – Rockstar & MTV does.  
  
This stuff is fictitious. Any similarities... well, you know...  
  
Well, you've been patient, so here's part two of Episode V of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
(We see the gang as we left them, surrounding Vinnie & Kaufman, pressing Vinnie about Mike's murder. Vinnie is looking around nervously, thinking about what to say.)  
  
Vladimir: Well, Vinnie, we're still waiting.  
  
Vinnie: I'm tellin' you guys, you're making a mistake.  
  
Annie: You're the one who made the mistake, Vinnie. Did you really think that we weren't going to find out about this?  
  
Vinnie: Look, Annie. About Mike...  
  
Max: Vinnie, you're caught. So are you, Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: Darn.  
  
Max: We know you knew Mike from before – you're funeral speech gave it away – so you've gotta know something about this.  
  
Winterson: Max, we'll deal with Kaufman later. Right now, I want a full confession from you, Vinnie.  
  
Mona: Yeah, and no fooling around this time.  
  
(Suddenly we hear the door opening from downstairs, followed by a familiar voice.)  
  
Familiar Voice: (in Russian accent) What!? I thought we were fooling around!  
  
(The gang rushes down to find...)  
  
Everybody: Mike!!... Oh my god!!... You're alive!!  
  
Mike: (smiling) What? You act like I was dead or something.  
  
(Annie rushes over and embraces Mike tightly, then all of a sudden backs off and smacks him hard on the arm.)  
  
Annie: Mike, what the hell!? We all thought you were dead!  
  
Mike: You were supposed to think that. We play joke on you guys. Very funny, eh?  
  
Mona: What? This was all a joke? That's sick! And who's "we?"  
  
Mike: Me, Vinnie, Kaufman, MTV Producer...  
  
Vladimir: What? The producer was in on this?  
  
Mike: Right. It was producer's idea. He say it, uh, "shake things up a bit."  
  
Winterson: He did this just to mess with us.  
  
Mike: He say it make good show. He give Vinnie gun to fire into wall, and give me cheap copies of my CDs to break and scatter around room, as well as cheap stereo to smash and switch with my stereo. Then he give me money to hide out at Ritz hotel – very nice, may I add. Then he bring in Kaufman from cleaning crew to temporarily replace me. He even get Carl from crime lab at police station to help.  
  
Annie: (to Vinnie and Kaufman) So you guys knew Mike was alive this whole time?  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmmm.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah. That's what I was trying to hint at with you guys. I didn't want to give away the joke before it was time.  
  
Mike: You should be happy Annie.  
  
Annie: Why, Mike?  
  
Mike: Because... (goes over and stands by Vinnie) working on this bring Vinnie and me closer together. We were able to put aside our differences, and now we're friends. Right, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: That's right, Mike.  
  
(MTV Producer comes up to join cast.)  
  
MTV Producer: Okay, great job you guys. You really did a great job pulling this off. And thanks to all the rest of you for being such good sports about this.  
  
Max: Yeah, sure. Just don't give us spastic colon again. We'd appreciate it a lot.  
  
MTV Producer: Yeah, okay. But still, our ratings are at an all time high. Our viewers were really hanging on the edges of their seats waiting to find out what happened with Mike. (to Mike) It seems you've got a real fan base out there.  
  
Mike: Right on.  
  
MTV Producer: Well, Kaufman, thanks for filling in for Mike, but he's back, so... we don't really need you on here now.  
  
Kaufman: Darn. I'm gonna miss you guys.  
  
Mona: (to MTV Producer) Wait. Could Kaufman still... hang out with us? I mean, yeah, I know only seven people are supposed to live here, but if we were to go out, could we still bring Kaufman along?  
  
MTV Producer: Sure, I don't see why not. That is, if Kaufman would be interested.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
MTV Producer: Then, I guess feel free to invite him to any of your social gatherings at any time.  
  
Mona: Thanks. And thank you, Kaufman.  
  
Max: I still want a rematch at dominoes, Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: Okay, Max.  
  
MTV Producer: Well, bye for now. Again, good job, you guys. Let's go, Kaufman. The cleaning crew sure has missed having you around.  
  
Kaufman: (with a blank expression) Can't wait to see my friends again.  
  
(MTV Producer and Kaufman leave.)  
  
Mike: Well, I go down to get my things and bring them up. (to Annie) Then we, how did you say, "listen to my Country & Western CD collection once again?"  
  
Annie: (smiling) I'd love that so much, Mike.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Mike, you need any help bringin' you're stuff up?  
  
Mike: No thank you, Vinnie. I don't have much to carry. But I appreciate it.  
  
Vinnie: (smiling) Any time, Mike.  
  
(Mike and Annie go downstairs, talking.)  
  
Mona: Oh, Vinnie. I'm so sorry I thought so badly about you. Can you ever forgive me?  
  
Vladimir: Yes, me too, Vinnie.  
  
Max: Sorry I rushed to judgment, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Sure, you guys. All's forgiven. In fact, (lowers voice to a whisper) I think we should all take Mike out to celebrate his return.  
  
Mona: Okay.  
  
Winterson: Sure, that sounds cool.  
  
Max: Sure. It'll be like the prodigal son.  
  
Vinnie: Uhh, sure, Payne.  
  
Vladimir: Where should we take him, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: I got an idea.  
  
(B.J.'s Honky-Tonk, Lower East Side, evening)  
  
(We see the gang, including Kaufman, getting out of the van. They are all dressed in Western wear, blue jeans, boots, etc. Mike has a paper bag over his head, and the gang leads him to the front door of the bar.)  
  
Winterson: Okay, Mike. You can remove the bag.  
  
(Mike removes the bag and sees the sign. He is pleasantly surprised.)  
  
Mike: Heyy, a real Country and Western hangout. This is great. Thanks, guys.  
  
Vinnie: Sure, no problem, Mike. Happy to do it for you, just like we're happy to see you back.  
  
Mike: Thanks, Vinnie.  
  
(The gang goes up to the door and pays to get in. Vinnie pays Mike's way in. They go in and quickly find a seat next to the dance floor, where many people are line-dancing. We hear the Bellamy Brothers' "Redneck Girl" playing.)  
  
Mona: (shouting to be heard above the music) Okay, Mike. We're gonna buy you the first two drinks, but after that, you're on your own. Is that cool?  
  
Mike: Sure. Thanks gang, for bringing me here. I think I'll have two Coors.  
  
Mona: Okay. What does everyone else want?  
  
Max: I'll have a Bud.  
  
Vladimir: I'll have a Jack & Coke.  
  
Winterson: I think I'll have a Bud.  
  
Annie: I'll have a Coors.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Mona, get me a Captain & Coke, will ya?  
  
Kaufman: Coors.  
  
Mona: Okay. Be right back.  
  
(Mona goes over to the bartender, a big macho cowboy-type.)  
  
Bartender: Well, howdy, little lady. What'll it be?  
  
Mona: Four Coors, two Buds, a Jack & Coke, a Captain & Coke, and a Corona for me.  
  
Bartender: One moment, ma'am.  
  
(Bartender goes over to grab the drinks. He returns in a few minutes.)  
  
Bartender: Here ya go, little lady. That'll be $29.75.  
  
(Mona pays the bartender, then gets the tray full of the drinks.)  
  
Bartender: Thank you, ma'am.  
  
(Mona returns to the gang with the drinks.)  
  
Everybody: (at random) Thanks, Mona...  
  
Mike: Thanks, Mona.  
  
(Toby Keith's "Should Have Been a Cowboy" starts to play. Many dancers begin to two-step with each other.)  
  
Mike: All right! I love this song. Let's dance, Annie.  
  
Annie: (smiling) Sure, Mike.  
  
(The two go out on the dance floor.)  
  
Winterson: Let's dance, Vlad.  
  
Vladimir: Well, uh, can I have some of my drink first?  
  
Winterson: No! I wanna dance now.  
  
Vladimir: (sighs) All right. (Vladimir and Winterson join Mike and Annie on the floor.)  
  
Mona: Well, who's gonna dance with me?  
  
Max: Let's go, Mona.  
  
Mona: Cool.  
  
(Mona starts to walk off with Max. Vinnie looks dejected by this, while Kaufman doesn't seem to care. However, Mona notices Vinnie, and remembers how she wrongly thought of him when the gang thought Mike was dead.)  
  
Mona: On second thought, maybe we can dance later, Max. Vinnie, would you like to dance with me?  
  
(Vinnie is so surprised by Mona's offer that he is barely unable to speak.)  
  
Vinnie: Uhh, umm,...  
  
Kaufman: I think that's a "yes." (nods at Vinnie.)  
  
Mona: Okay, then. Let's go, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Uhhh... okay.  
  
(Mona takes Vinnie by the hand and leads him to join the rest of the gang on the dance floor. They begin to two-step to the song. Meanwhile, Max sits next to Kaufman, dejectedly.)  
  
Max: (confessional) What happened here? Mona threw me aside like a used paper towel, for Vinnie? I was a purebred race dog being passed up by a potential owner for a brown mongrel.  
  
Max: (to Kaufman) Mona rejected me. I can't believe it.  
  
Kaufman: Better luck next time.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) Nobody asked me to dance with them. I'm hurt.  
  
(Meanwhile, Mike and Annie are still dancing together, and staring into each other's eyes.)  
  
Annie: So, Mike, after we get home, you wanna listen to some more tunes? Maybe something a little slower?  
  
Mike: Sure thing, little missy. (Annie giggles in response.)  
  
(Meanwhile, while Vladimir and Winterson are dancing...)  
  
Winterson: So, cowboy, wanna share a saddle tonight?  
  
Vladimir: I don't know, Winterson. I'm going to be awfully tired.  
  
Winterson: Excuse me?  
  
Vladimir: I mean, uh, sure, baby. Love to.  
  
Winterson: That's better.  
  
(Meanwhile, while Vinnie and Mona are dancing...)  
  
Mona: So, Vinnie, you having fun?  
  
Vinnie: It's okay. Not really my kind of music, but, ah, dancin' wit' you makes it fun.  
  
Mona: (smiles) Thanks, Vinnie.  
  
Mona: (confessional) I hope Vinnie knows that I'm just dancing with him to make up for my false accusations toward him. I hope he doesn't read too much into this.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) She likes me! All right! She likes me! I hope we get to, ah, like each other a lot more later. A lot more...  
  
(Soon Tim McGraw's "Indian Outlaw" begins to play. Everybody line dances once again. Mona quickly runs up to Mike.)  
  
Mona: Uh, Mike, we'd like to stay out and dance, but we don't know how to line dance. Could you, uhh, teach us?  
  
Mike: Sure. I'd love to. I teach everyone.  
  
(Mona runs over and grabs Max and Kaufman. They go up and join Mike, who teaches the entire gang how to line dance. The others move clumsily at first, but it is not long before they learn it. Soon they are moving just like everyone else on the floor.)  
  
Mike: Heyy, isn't this fun?  
  
Annie: Fo sure.  
  
Mona: Yeah, I'm liking it.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, it's kinda cool, I guess.  
  
Max: Once again, Mike, another door to a new world opened for us. Thanks.  
  
Mike: Ummm, you're welcome.  
  
Max: Hey Mona, can I store my boots under you're bed tonight?  
  
Vinnie: (not noticing Max's offer) Hey Mona, wanna look at those Captain Baseball Bat Boy trading cards I said I'd show ya?  
  
Mona: (not noticing Vinnie) Sure, Max. Love to.  
  
(Vinnie goes over to the table and sits down. Once again, he is dejected. He drinks his Captain & Coke.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Ah, s(bleep)t. Mona's back with Max. I thought she was starting to like me. It's like I was just a pity dance or something. Ah, s(bleep)t, I ain't gettin' any action around here. Mona's with Max, Annie's with Mike again, Winterson's with Vlad; who am I supposed to hook up with? Kaufman? I'm beginning to think that that's gonna be my only choice. I gotta find a broad and fast!  
  
Vladimir: (confessional) Well, I guess I have to give Winterson some lovin' again. It's getting to be a full-time job for me. I'm beginning to feel jaded. It's like she never lets me have my own time.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) I've got a surprise waiting for Vlad. It's gonna bring us sooo much closer together. A lot closer...  
  
MTV Announcer: What does Winterson have planned for Vlad?... And will Vinnie ever get lucky?... Find out, on the next episode of The Real World...  
  
Well, hope this was worth the wait. As always, R&R's are more than welcome! 


	8. Episode VI

Disclaimers: I don't own this stuff. Rockstar owns MP & MP2, MTV owns The Real World.  
  
This is a work of fiction. Any similarities... yadda, yadda, yadda.  
  
And now, episode VI of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...  
  
Vinnie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Winterson: Find out what happens...  
  
Mike: when people stop being polite...  
  
Annie: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, Manhattan, morning)  
  
(We see Vinnie, still sleeping on the couch, in his Captain Baseball Bat Boy boxers and a wife-beater undershirt. Max and Mona soon come downstairs and take notice.)  
  
Mona: (giggling) Oh my god. Captain Baseball Bat Boy underwear? What a geek.  
  
Max: (sarcastically) Well, he is a collector.  
  
Mona: Why is he sleeping on the couch?  
  
Max: I think Mike and Annie wanted some alone time, and Vinnie was the third wheel.  
  
Mona: More like the seventh wheel. I think Vlad and Winterson did it last night too.  
  
Max: Wow. We've got a real sex farm here.  
  
(Vinnie soon wakes up and sees Mona and Max.)  
  
Vinnie: (sarcastic) Oh, hello, Payne. Hello, Mona. Did you two have fun last night?  
  
Max: (oblivious) Yes, we did. Thanks for asking.  
  
Mona: Did Kaufman make it home okay?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, sure.  
  
Mona: Good. He did get a little hammered last night. He sure was chatty.  
  
Max: Yeah, he was actually using... adjectives.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Kaufman was drunk. He was spillin' his guts to me last night, babbling about home and his pet sheep and his dreams of starting his own cleaning company. He wants to call it the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." What kinda dumb name is that? And I had to listen to it, because I was the only group member without a girl to dance with.  
  
(Mike and Annie come down, looking quite haggard, but also quite happy.)  
  
Max: Oh, hey guys. Great night last night, huh?  
  
Mike: Yes, it was.  
  
Annie: (smiling at Mike) In more ways than one...  
  
Mona: Just like old times, wasn't it?  
  
Annie: Mmm-hmmm. Like Mike never left.  
  
Mike: Well, I do what I can for the little lady.  
  
(Vladimir comes down, followed by Winterson, who is shouting after him.)  
  
Winterson: Vlad, get back here! We're not done yet!  
  
Vladimir: Come on, Winterson. Even I need a break. Six times is a lot.  
  
Mona: Oh, hey guys. Did you two lovebirds have fun last night?  
  
Winterson: Yes. Lots.  
  
Vladimir: I came down here for a glass of water.  
  
Winterson: Two minutes, Vlad. Then it's back to work.  
  
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, baby.  
  
Max: (chuckling) Hey Vinnie, how was you're date with Kaufman last night? Did you get lucky?  
  
Vinnie: Hey, f(bleep)k you, Payne.  
  
Max: God, I'm just kidding, Vinnie. You're such a rabid dog in a meat packing plant.  
  
Mona: That was a little mean-spirited, Max.  
  
Max: Geez, sorry. I was just kidding.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. I'm goin' upstairs and gettin' dressed.  
  
(Vinnie goes upstairs.)  
  
Mona: Y'know, guys, I can't really blame Vinnie for being upset. We've got three couples and him here, so he's probably feeling left out.  
  
Max: He's a cactus on a glacier. Look at him. How would he ever fit in anywhere?  
  
Mona: He'll fit in here, and we're going to help him.  
  
Vladimir: How?  
  
Winterson: We could find him a date.  
  
Mona: (after a brief pause) Hey, that's a good idea. Anyone here know anyone who's single?  
  
Max: I think one of my neighbors has a Furby. (chuckles)  
  
Mona: Knock it off, Max.  
  
Max: All right, seriously. I have a female neighbor who I don't think is seeing anyone. I'll give her a call.  
  
(Max goes into the kitchen to make the call.)  
  
Winterson: Okay, Vlad. You're two minutes are up. Back up to the bedroom.  
  
Vladimir: Can I have two more minutes? I need to talk to Mike for a bit.  
  
Winterson: (sighs) All right, but hurry it up. (goes back upstairs)  
  
Mike: So, Vlad, what did you need to talk to me about?  
  
Vladimir: Actually, Mike, I need to talk to Mona and Annie more. I just didn't want to say in front of Winterson. You know how jealous she gets.  
  
(Flashback to the fight between her and Mona from Episode III.)  
  
Mona: Uhh, no. Haven't noticed anything.  
  
Annie: So, what's up, Vlad?  
  
Vladimir: I was wondering if you could take Winterson out tonight for a girls' night out or something. I REALLY need a break from her – she is killing me.  
  
Mona: Yes, I noticed she's been bossy towards you lately. And domineering.  
  
Vladimir: So, can you ladies do it?  
  
Annie: Sure, Vlad. I think we can find something that us girls will all enjoy.  
  
Vladimir: Thanks, ladies. While you girls are out, maybe we can have a guys' night in. How does that sound, Mike?  
  
Mike: Sure. I'd love to.  
  
Vladimir: Great. Of course I'll invite Max, and Vinnie, if he doesn't have that date tonight. Maybe I'll even invite Kaufman.  
  
Mona: Sounds like fun. Well, whaddya say, Annie? Wanna go up and talk to Winterson about this?  
  
Annie: Sure, Mona.  
  
(The girls go upstairs. Soon after, Max comes back in from the kitchen.  
  
Max: Well, I talked to... Hey. Where's Mona and Winterson?  
  
Vladimir: Winterson went back upstairs, and Mona and Annie went up to talk to her. I'm hoping they can get her to go out tonight with them so that I can get a break from her.  
  
Max: Oh, I see. Well, I talked to my neighbor. She said that she can't go out tonight because she's booked solid, but she's free tomorrow night.  
  
Vladimir: What do you mean, "booked?"  
  
Max: Oh, she's, uhhh, a masseuse.  
  
Vladimir: (still a little suspicious) Okay.  
  
Max: So, what's up with Winterson?  
  
Vladimir: She is killing me, Max. She won't let me have time to myself or hang out with anyone else. I'm hoping that if Mona and Annie can take her out tonight, then we can have a guys' night in.  
  
Max: Sure, that sounds good.  
  
Vladimir: It can be me, you, Mike, Vinnie, even Kaufman.  
  
Mike: Okay, I go tell Vinnie.  
  
Vladimir: Great. I'll phone Kaufman.  
  
Max: Okay. But Mike... don't tell Vinnie about my neighbor yet. I kinda want it to be a surprise for him.  
  
Mike: Okay, no problem. (Mike goes up.)  
  
(Meanwhile, Mona and Annie have gone up to Vladimir & Winterson's room. The door is closed. They knock.)  
  
Winterson: (from inside) Vlad?  
  
Mona: No, it's me and Annie. Can we come in?  
  
Winterson: Just a minute.  
  
(After a minute, Winterson comes out, wearing a pink satin robe.)  
  
Winterson: What is it?  
  
Annie: Well, Mona and I are going out tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to go with us. We're having a girls' night out.  
  
Winterson: I don't know. Vlad and I were planning to stay in and spend some time with each other.  
  
Mona: (under her breath) That ain't the way I heard it.  
  
Winterson: What?  
  
Mona: Nothing.  
  
Annie: Come on. We need a break from the guys, and we really want you to come with us. It'll be fun, we promise.  
  
Mona: Come on. We'd look upon it as a favor.  
  
Winterson: (thinks) Well, okay. I guess I could use a break from Vlad, just for a little while.  
  
Annie: A'right! That's cool. We'll leave at around seven.  
  
Winterson: Okay. Thanks.  
  
Mona: Anytime.  
  
(Mona and Annie go back downstairs.)  
  
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, & Mike's room, Vinnie is still getting dressed. Mike shows up.)  
  
Mike: Hey, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, hey, Mike. How ya doin'?  
  
Mike: Great. The girls are going out tonight, and Vlad, Max, and I were wondering if you wanted to join us for guys' night in?  
  
Vinnie: Guys' night in?  
  
Mike: Yes. We have guys-only get together. We drink beer and watch sports. No women to get in the way.  
  
Vinnie: Uhh, okay. Sure.  
  
Mike: Great. Thanks, Vinnie. (Goes back downstairs.)  
  
(Downstairs)  
  
Mike: Hey Vladimir, Vinnie say he's in.  
  
Vladimir: That's good. I called Kaufman, but he said that he won't be able to make. He said he has to work late tonight. By the way, he got that cleaning company started that he said he wanted to, the "Squeaky Cleaning Company." He started it with a couple of the other workers from our cleaning crew.  
  
Max: That's great. I'm happy for him. Did you tell him he still owes me a domino game?  
  
Vladimir: (sighs) Yes, Max. Anyway, that's why Kaufman won't be able to make it tonight.  
  
Mike: Too bad. Oh well, more party for us.  
  
(Vladimir's & Winterson's room, early evening.)  
  
(We see Winterson getting ready. She is wearing what has become her trademark pant-suit, and is putting on her makeup. We hear a knock on the door, and she goes over and opens it.)  
  
Winterson: Oh, hello Mona. I'm almost ready.  
  
Mona: Uh-huh. Listen... could I give you a little constructive criticism?  
  
Winterson: Umm, okay. What?  
  
Mona: You might want to wear something different. No offense, but that pant-suit looks a little drab. I mean, we're going out to be social, not to have a business meeting.  
  
Winterson: Well, Vlad thinks it's cute.  
  
Mona: Well, Vlad isn't coming with us. Come on, just do something a little different. I've got some other outfits. They should fit you okay too.  
  
Winterson: (thinks for a second) All right, let's see what you got.  
  
(Mona disappears, then returns momentarily with a few outfits of hers. Most of them are skimpy and revealing, or very tight-fitting. Winterson tries on several, then eventually decides to wear a tight low-cut pink top and a pair of white hot-pants.)  
  
Mona: That looks pretty good on you. Now, let's let down that hair a little bit.  
  
(Winterson undoes her hair and lets it down. Mona then has her shake and toss it a bit to ruffle it up.)  
  
Mona: Good. Now, let's do your makeup. I've got a couple of colors that I think you'll like.  
  
(Mona takes out a couple of tubes of lipstick, one pink and one with a slightly violet hue. Winterson chooses the violet tube and puts it on. Mona then gives her some facial cream and some rouge for her cheeks, which she promptly applies.)  
  
Mona: There we go. Looks good, huh?  
  
Winterson: (looking in the mirror) Yeah, I guess it does.  
  
(Annie comes walking in.)  
  
Annie: Hey guys, are we about... Wow! Is that you, Winterson?  
  
Mona: Uh-huh. I did her up. She looks good, doesn't she?  
  
Annie: That's right, girl. Them boys are gonna be all over ya.  
  
Mona: I can't wait to see Vlad's reaction.  
  
Winterson: I hope he likes it.  
  
Annie: Well, I'm ready to go. How 'bout you guys?  
  
Winterson: Same here.  
  
Mona: Let's go.  
  
(Downstairs, Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike are watching Sports Center on ESPN, while Max is on the phone.)  
  
Max: We need three large pizzas topped like an active volcano with pepperoni and extra cheese, and one with Italian sausage spicy like the fires of hell itself, and one with pineapples that take the eater away on his own private Hawaiian vacation...  
  
(Meanwhile, the women are making their way downstairs.)  
  
Mona: Hey Vlad.  
  
Vladimir: (still watching TV) Yes?  
  
Mona: Vlad, you might wanna see this.  
  
Vladimir: (eyes still glued to the TV) In a second, Mona. I'm watching.  
  
Winterson: (in a more sexy voice) Oh Vlad...  
  
(Vladimir finally turns and sees Winterson. He literally does a double take.)  
  
Vladimir: Wow! Is that you, Winterson? You look great!  
  
Winterson: (smiling) Thanks. Mona did me up.  
  
Vladimir: Wow. Great job, Mona. Doesn't Winterson look good guys?  
  
Vinnie: She sure did. I swear, Winterson, if you weren't with Vlad...  
  
Vladimir: Easy there, Vinnie.  
  
Mike: You're right, Vlad. She look beautiful.  
  
Vladimir: Hey Max! Come in and look at Winterson!  
  
Max: (from kitchen) I'll be there in a minute. I'm on a phone call that could make eternity seem like an instant. (over phone) Thirty minutes?... Okay, great. Thanks.  
  
(Max hangs up the phone and comes in. He promptly catches Winterson, and freezes.)  
  
Max: Winterson? Wow, I don't even have a metaphor to describe this. You look hot enough to make the devil sweat. Oh, heh-heh, I guess I do after all.  
  
Winterson: (blushing) Stop, guys. You're embarrassing me.  
  
Mona: Well, we've gotta go. You guys have fun.  
  
Max: Okay, see you tonight.  
  
Vladimir: Have fun, ladies.  
  
Winterson: Thanks, Vlad. See you tonight.  
  
Mike: Later, Annie.  
  
Annie: A'right. Take it easy, Mike.  
  
Vinnie: See ya later, girls.  
  
Mona: Bye, Vinnie.  
  
(The women leave.)  
  
Vladimir: Wow. Now I almost wish I hadn't asked the other women to take Winterson out tonight. Almost.  
  
Max: Well, I'm sure you'll see plenty more of her tonight.  
  
Vladimir: Let's not think about that right now.  
  
Max: The pizzas will be here in about thirty minutes.  
  
Vladimir: Good.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, Payne, can you grab us some beers?  
  
Max: Sure, hold on.  
  
(Max goes back in the kitchen and grabs several beers, then comes back. He gives a bottle to Vladimir, Vinnie, and Mike, and keeps one for himself. He then sits on the couch between Vladimir and Vinnie, with Mike sitting in the chair next to it.)  
  
Max: By the way, Vinnie, don't make any plans for tomorrow night. There's a bit of a surprise for you.  
  
Vinnie: (suspicious) What are you up to, Payne?  
  
Max: Just... a surprise... for you. Don't worry, it's not bad. In fact, I really think you'll like it. You'll see it tomorrow night. So don't make any plans, okay?  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, okay Payne.  
  
(Prizzi's Club, Upper West Side, about an hour later)  
  
(We see Mona, Annie, and Winterson entering the club. They promptly sit at a small table fairly close to the bar. There is a small dance floor in the center, with many people dancing and many others seated watching, drinking, and chatting.)  
  
Mona: (loud enough to be heard over the music) Hey Annie, can you get the drinks tonight?  
  
Annie: Yeah, a'right. What do yaw want?  
  
Mona: Get me a Fuzzy Navel, would ya?  
  
Annie: Sure. Winterson?  
  
Winterson: Just coffee for me, thanks.  
  
Annie: You sure?  
  
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.  
  
Annie: Okay, be right back.  
  
(Annie goes over to the bar and orders the drinks. Meanwhile, Mona chats with Winterson.)  
  
Mona: You're not drinking tonight, Winterson?  
  
Winterson: No. I, uh, I have a little stomach ache.  
  
Mona: Oh... okay.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) Okay, I lied. I didn't have a stomach ache. But drinking might screw up my little plan for me and Vlad. (smiles a bit)  
  
(Annie returns with the drinks. Annie is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea.)  
  
Mona: Thanks, Annie.  
  
Annie: Winterson, you sure you don't want anything besides coffee?  
  
Winterson: Yes, I'm sure.  
  
Mona: She's got a little stomach ache.  
  
Annie: Oh, a'right.  
  
Mona: So, Winterson, things going okay between you and Vlad?  
  
Winterson: Yep. Couldn't be better.  
  
Annie: I can see why you're attracted to him. He's a pretty smooth operator.  
  
Mona: Yes, he is. Like a shot of really good bourbon.  
  
Annie: Oh gosh, Mona, you been hangin' out with Max too long!  
  
Mona: (chuckles) Oh... I guess I have, haven't I?  
  
Winterson: You guys are right, though. He is smooth, and sexy. And he's all mine.  
  
Mona: Hey Winterson, can I give you a little more constructive criticism?  
  
Winterson: About what?  
  
Mona: You might wanna let Vlad have a little space. I mean, it's cool that you guys are hot 'n' heavy, but if you don't give him a little space, it could ruin the spark.  
  
Winterson: What? Did Vlad say something to you guys?  
  
Mona: Uhhh... no. I've just noticed that you seem a little... demanding.  
  
Winterson: Well, okay. Maybe I am a little. But I love him so much. Can you blame me?  
  
Annie: No, of course not. But Mona's right. If you let Vlad have his own life, it'll make your time with him sweeter. You should think about that.  
  
Winterson: Well... okay. I guess you guys are right.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) I guess I could lighten up with Vlad. What do I have to be afraid of, anyway? After what I have planned, Vlad's not going anywhere.  
  
(A couple of guys come up to the three women, both dressed in pin-striped suits, one wearing shades and a hat. It's the Finito brothers, from MP1.)  
  
Joey Finito: Hey, ladies. Mind if we join yas?  
  
Mona: Uhh, that's okay. We're fine.  
  
Virgilio Finito: Then how 'bout we buy you girls drinks?  
  
Annie: I really don't think so, guys.  
  
Joey: All right, fine. Let's go, bruttah.  
  
Virgilio: Yeah, their loss, Joey.  
  
Mona: (After they're out of earshot) God, what a couple of creeps.  
  
Winterson: Yeah. Kinda sleazy looking.  
  
Annie: I don't know. They coulda turned out to be okay, but of course we got guys at home.  
  
Mona: Right.  
  
(Meanwhile, at the house, the guys are watching TV. Their pants are all loosened. We see dozens of empty beer bottles on the coffee table or scattered around the floor. The guys are all drunk.)  
  
Max: Heyyy, BJ and the Bear'sh coming on. I used to love thishh show.  
  
Mike: Yeahhh, I see it once in Rrrussia. Gooood show.  
  
Vladimir: I neverrr shhhhaww it, and I got the shame channelsh you did.  
  
Max: Wellll, whatt're we waitin' for, a terrrtle to shend ush an invitashhin shpecial delivery? Let'shh watch.  
  
Vinnie: Uhhh, heyyy, Payne. I kinda w-w-wanna watch Captain Bash... Baysh... Bayshball Bat Boy, if ya don't mind.  
  
Max: Not according to our mothershh, we don't.  
  
(Vladimir and Mike bust out laughing. Vinnie is pissed.)  
  
Vinnie: Payne, I'm ooonly gonna shay thish once. Change the channel, or get yer assh kicked by me.  
  
Vladimir and Mike: Ooooooo...  
  
Max: I'd like to shhee you try, punk.  
  
Vinnie: Ooooo, it'sh on, b(bleep)ch. I'm gonna shhhove that remote up yer ash.  
  
(Vinnie tries to jump up, but trips on his own two feet and falls to the floor. He passes out.)  
  
Max: I win. And I didn't eeeven have to lay a f-f-f-finger on him.  
  
Vladimir: Couldn't hold hish licker if it had a handle.  
  
Mike: (laughing) Vinnie passss out.  
  
(The women soon arrive home. Winterson is carrying a small "Rite-Aid" drugstore bag.)  
  
Mona: Hey guys, how's it going?  
  
Max: Mmmona! Wwwwhat's up, baby?  
  
Mona: Uhh, not much, Max. (sees Vinnie still passed out on the floor) What happened to Vinnie?  
  
Max: I beat his ash without even layin' a ffffinger on him. Like a Jedi Mashterbater. (laughs)  
  
Mona: Oh god, Max. You are so drunk, it ain't even funny.  
  
Winterson: God, they're all drunk, Mona.  
  
Annie: Mike! I'm surprised at you!  
  
Mike: Heyyy, Annie. Let'sh giddyup on outer here and up the stairsh for shum down home lovin'.  
  
Annie: (sighs) Come on, Mike. Let's get you up to bed. You need to sleep it off.  
  
(Annie helps Mike up the stairs to their room.)  
  
Vladimir: Heyyy, Maxxx. We'd better help Vinnie up to the rrroom too.  
  
Max: Shhhhure, Vlad. BJ and the Bearrr ain't goin' nowhere. Heyyy, I can rrrhyme!  
  
(Vladimir and Max stagger over to pick up Vinnie. Despite their own drunken states, they manage to get him up off the floor and up the stairs.)  
  
Mona: Well, I'd better go up with them and make sure they don't pass out on the way. You coming, Winterson?  
  
Winterson: I'll come up and check on Vlad in a minute. I need to use the restroom.  
  
Mona: Okay, see ya.  
  
(Mona goes up. As soon as she's out of sight, Winterson takes the small bag with her into the bathroom. She closes the door and locks it. She then takes out an "Easy Step" home pregnancy test. The camera then wipes to her looking at the test kit thirty minutes later. There is a plus sign, which means she is pregnant!)  
  
Winterson: (smiling to herself) Good.  
  
MTV Announcer: Winterson pregnant, and happy about it? Is Vlad the father? Could this be her big plan? Find out, in our next episode of The Real World: New York.  
  
Okay, I hope this isn't too long, but as usual, please R&R. 


	9. Episode VII

Disclaimers: You know the drill. Don't own this stuff; Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This stuff is fiction, not true.  
  
And now, episode VII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
MTV Director: (after waiting a long while) Hey, yo, Max!  
  
Max: (hung over) What... the construction site...  
  
MTV Director: We're on the air, Max!  
  
Max: Oh, sorry. This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vladimir: (hung over too) picked to live in a house (god, my head is killing me)...  
  
Vinnie: (also hung over) How the hell did I get this bruise on my forehead... I mean, uh, have their lives taped...  
  
Winterson: Find out what happens...  
  
Mike: (hung over as well) Coffee... COFFEE!!!  
  
Annie: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: (who doesn't miss their cue) The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, around noon)  
  
(We see Mona in the kitchen, making dry toast and coffee – LOTS of coffee. Max shows up momentarily.)  
  
Mona: Oh, hello Max. Welcome back to the land of the living.  
  
Max: Is that coffee I smell? I need some like people in hell need ice cubes.  
  
Mona: Help yourself. And have some toast, maybe it'll help you too.  
  
Max: Thanks. (Pours a cup of coffee and takes a slice of toast.)  
  
(Vladimir comes down.)  
  
Vladimir: (hung over, rubbing his forehead vigorously) Mona, dearest of all my friends, let me have some coffee.  
  
Mona: Sure, Vlad. Help yourself.  
  
(Vladimir pours himself a cup of coffee and grabs some toast. As he sits at the table, Mike comes down, also hung over.)  
  
Mike: Coffee... COFFEE!!!  
  
Mona: On the counter, Mike.  
  
(Mike gets himself some coffee and some toast. He then sits down. Soon Vinnie shows up. He has a nasty bruise on his forehead.)  
  
Vinnie: Owww, my head. What the hell happened?  
  
Mona: Well, let's see. You were passed out drunk on the floor, so you probably hit your head and didn't even feel it.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever. Coffee!  
  
Mona: On the counter.  
  
(Vinnie gets his cup of coffee and some toast, then sits down. Soon Annie shows up, followed by Winterson.)  
  
Annie: Well, Mike, I guess you guys had some sorta guys' night in, huh?  
  
Mike: Did we? I don't remember much. Just basketball and BJ & the Bear and Vinnie falling on floor.  
  
Vinnie: How did I fall on the floor?  
  
Vladimir: Don't ask.  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, you're probably right.  
  
Winterson: Vlad, I can't believe you got so hammered last night. You must have fallen asleep before you hit the pillow.  
  
Vladimir: Sorry. I guess we all just got a little carried away.  
  
Winterson: I'll say.  
  
Max: Good god, my head feels two sizes too small for my brain. I'm never drinking like that again.  
  
Mona: Well, I hope so, Max. Cause I'm not doing this again.  
  
Max: Okay.  
  
Vladimir: I never really got to ask you, how did you girls' evening out go?  
  
Annie: It was pretty tight.  
  
Mona: Uh-huh. Winterson had a little bit of a stomach ache, and a few creeps tried to hit on us.  
  
Annie: Yeah, a couple of creeps in pin-stripe suits, and some guy named Rico. He even gave Mona a business card.  
  
(Mona takes out a card and shows it to the gang. It reads, "RICO MUERTE – BIG TIME HUSTLER.")  
  
Max: Huh?  
  
Mona: I don't even wanna know.  
  
Vladimir: So Winterson, is your stomach feeling better?  
  
Winterson: Uhh, not really. But it's okay. I'm gonna go see the doctor about it.  
  
Vladimir: Want me to drive you?  
  
Winterson: No thanks! I mean, uh, I'll just use the network limo.  
  
Vladimir: Oh... okay.  
  
Max: Oh, by the way, Vinnie, your surprise is coming tonight at around six, and you'll want to look nice for it.  
  
Vinnie: Man, it must be some surprise.  
  
Max: Oh, it is.  
  
(Later that afternoon)  
  
(We see Winterson finishing getting ready to go to her doctor's appointment. She is wearing her pant-suit again, with her hair pulled back in her trademark style. She is finishing putting on her makeup. She then goes downstairs.)  
  
Winterson: Bye, guys. I'm off to my appointment.  
  
Max: Okay, see ya later.  
  
Vladimir: Winterson, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?  
  
Winterson: No, that's okay, Vlad. It's just a stomach ache. I'll be fine.  
  
Mona: Bye, Winterson.  
  
Winterson: See you guys later.  
  
(The doctor's office, about an hour or so later.)  
  
(Winterson is waiting inside one of the small rooms. The doctor comes in momentarily.)  
  
Winterson: So... what's the word?  
  
Doctor Magdalena: Congratulations. You know who the father is?  
  
Winterson: Ohh, I do indeed.  
  
Winterson: (confessional) My plan for Vlad is working perfectly. I'll tell Vlad about the kid in a day or two, after I make a couple of calls.  
  
(We see Winterson riding in the limo returning to the house. She is talking on her cell phone.)  
  
Winterson: Hey, it's me... Yes, it has been a while... I'm fine. Listen, I need you guys here ASAP... There's this guy, he, uh... Yeah, that's it... Well, I might need your help with that... Yes, come on over... You guys know what to bring, right?... Yeah, that's it... Okay, great. Thanks. Bye. (hangs up)  
  
(The house, early that evening)  
  
(Winterson enters the house, where everyone except Vinnie is lounging around in the living room.)  
  
Mona: Oh, hey Winterson.  
  
Winterson: Hi, guys. What's up?  
  
Vladimir: How did your doctor's appointment go?  
  
Winterson: It's fine. Just a little, um, virus. The doctor gave me a couple of tablets. I'm fine now.  
  
Vladimir: That's good.  
  
Winterson: You guys look like your feeling better.  
  
Mike: Yes, we are. Thanks for asking.  
  
Winterson: Where's Vinnie?  
  
Max: He's upstairs, getting dolled up for his "surprise."  
  
Winterson: Oh, that's right. That's tonight, isn't it?  
  
Max: Right, she should be here any second now.  
  
(Vinnie comes down. He is wearing a dark suit with a butterfly-collared silk shirt. It is the suit he was wearing in MP1.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey guys.  
  
Max: Hey Vinnie. Your surprise will be here any minute now.  
  
Vinnie: How do I look? Is this what you had in mind for me to wear for this?  
  
Max: It looks just fine.  
  
Mona: Yeah, you look good.  
  
(We hear a knock at the door. Max goes and looks through the peephole.)  
  
Max: (to person at the door) Just a second! (to Vinnie) Okay, you're surprise is here. And if things go well enough, you can "unwrap" it later.  
  
(Max opens the door to reveal... Violet, the hooker from Max's apartment building in MP2.)  
  
Violet: Oh, hi Max.  
  
Max: Hello, Violet. Come right in.  
  
(Violet sashays in.)  
  
Max: Vinnie, this is Violet, your "surprise."  
  
Vinnie: (blushing a bit) Uhhh... hello.  
  
Max: Violet, meet Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
(Violet walks over to Vinnie.)  
  
Violet: Pleased to meet you, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: (smiling) Likewise. (shakes her hand)  
  
Max: Vinnie, I felt a bit bad about laughing at you yesterday regarding the other night, so I set you up with Violet. She's a neighbor of mine. (Gives Vinnie a small stack of money.) Here's some money to show her a good time. As far as where you'll be going, I'll leave that decision in your capable hands.  
  
Vinnie: Wow! I don't know what to say. (takes the money)  
  
Violet: So... where are we going tonight, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Well, ah, there's this great restaurant up in Brooklyn. I know the owner. It's the same guy that owns that jazz club in Soho I took you guys to.  
  
Vladimir: Oh, really?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah. It serves the best calamari. Then they're havin' a Captain Baseball Bat Boy cartoon festival in Battery Park. We could go see that. And I guess I could take you to the jazz club in Soho to top off the evening. Whaddya say?  
  
Violet: Ooooo, I love Captain Baseball Bat Boy, and jazz, and calamari.  
  
Vinnie: Well, then, let's go. See ya later, guys.  
  
Mona: Bye Vinnie.  
  
Annie: Have fun, Vinnie.  
  
(Casa di Angelo, Brooklyn, around a quarter 'til seven)  
  
(Vinnie and Violet enter the restaurant, where the maitre D' greets them.)  
  
Maitre D' (Fats): Oh, hey, Vinnie. Ain't seen ya in a while.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, Fats. Listen, is the boss around? I'd like to see him. (whispering) I'm kinda on a special date.  
  
Fats: Sure. I'll get him for ya.  
  
(Fats disappears, and soon the owner – Angelo Punchinello, from MP1 – comes out, followed by Fats.)  
  
Angelo: Vinnie, long time, no see, buddy.  
  
Vinnie: Angelo! (Kisses him on both cheeks, Italian-style.)  
  
Angelo: And who's the lovely lady?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, this is Violet. She's a friend of a friend. We're kinda on a special date, so I was wondering if you could get us a special table, and maybe a bottle of your best wine.  
  
Angelo: For my best customer, no problem. Fats, show 'em the way.  
  
Fats: Yes, sir.  
  
(Fats shows Vinnie and Violet to a booth with drawn curtains around it. There is a set of two candles burning on the table, and a couple of candle- lamps hanging on the walls around it. Fats seats Vinnie and Violet, then gives them their menus.)  
  
Fats: Here ya go, Vinnie. I'll have your wait-person bring you out our best wine.  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Fats.  
  
(Fats leaves.)  
  
Vinnie: So, Violet. Whaddya think of this place?  
  
Violet: It's really nice. So, what do you do, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, I, ahh, sell used cars. And I also collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff. I'm gonna get all the stuff, then sell it online and make a fortune.  
  
Violet: Oooo, that sounds sooo exciting.  
  
(The waitress arrives with a bottle of wine.)  
  
Waitress (A.J.): Hi, I'm Allison Jean, but you can just call me A.J. I'll be your waitress this evening. Mr. Punchinello told me about you, Mr. Gognitti, so I brought you out a bottle of Chianti Classico, 1994. It's our finest wine. Would you like to taste it now?  
  
Vinnie: Sure. Unless you wanna taste it, Violet?  
  
Violet: No, that's okay. You go ahead.  
  
(A.J. pours a small amount of wine into Vinnie's glass. Vinnie promptly sips it, and appears to like it.)  
  
A.J.: Well?  
  
Vinnie: Magnifico.  
  
A.J.: Good. (Pours more into Vinnie's glass, and pours a glass for Violet.) Are you guys ready to order, or do you guys need a few more minutes?  
  
Vinnie: Uh, I'm ready. Violet?  
  
Violet: I'm ready, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Okay, go ahead.  
  
Violet: I think I'll have the vegetable lasagna, with house salad and vinaigrette dressing.  
  
A.J.: Good choice. You, sir?  
  
Vinnie: I'll have the Veal Piccatta, with Caesar salad and ranch dressing. Also, could you bring us out some of your best calamari?  
  
A.J.: Sure, no problem.  
  
(A.J. finishes taking down their order, then takes the menus and leaves.)  
  
Vinnie: So Violet, what do you do?  
  
Violet: Oh, I'm in the entertainment business, but I intend to be an actress someday.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, I see. So you're Payne's neighbor, huh?  
  
Violet: Uh-huh. He lives in my building.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, we almost forgot to toast. (Holds up glass of wine.) To what I hope will be a fantastic evening with a fantastic lady.  
  
Violet: (blushing) Cheers. (Clinks her glass with Vinnie's. They both sip.)  
  
Vinnie: Good wine, huh?  
  
Violet: Yes, it is. Thank you for bringing me here.  
  
Vinnie: So, ah, what's Payne like?  
  
Violet: Well, he keeps to himself a lot. I think he drinks a bit much. I heard his family was murdered a few years ago, and he's been haunted by it ever since, but he won't talk about it.  
  
Vinnie: Hmm, interesting.  
  
(A.J. soon arrives with breadsticks, their salads, and an order of calamari.)  
  
A.J.: Here you guys go. House salad with vinaigrette, Caesar salad with ranch, and calamari. Your main courses will be out shortly.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, thanks, A.J.  
  
(As A.J. leaves, Vinnie takes a piece of calamari and gestures for Violet to try some. She takes some and tries it.)  
  
Violet: Mmmm, this is really good.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, I told you it was the best. So Violet, whaddya do now in the entertainment business?  
  
Violet: I, uh, entertain guys... professionally.  
  
Vinnie: Entertain guys? Almost sounds like the job description for a hooker or something.  
  
(Vinnie chuckles, until he sees that Violet isn't laughing.)  
  
Vinnie: What? What is it?  
  
Violet: Well, uh, I guess hooker's one way to look at it.  
  
Vinnie: You mean... you are a hooker?  
  
Violet: That's right. Didn't Max tell you?  
  
Vinnie: What the hell? Max said you were a neighbor of his.  
  
Violet: Yes, I am. I just happen to be a working girl too. Don't worry, Max paid your way. You can pay next time.  
  
Vinnie: (through gritted teeth) Violet, wait here for a second.  
  
(Vinnie walks briskly out of the restaurant. Outside, he balls up his fists, takes a very deep breath, and yells at the top of his lungs...)  
  
Vinnie: F(bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)k!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Meanwhile, at the house)  
  
(We see the gang, eyes and ears raised at the sound.)  
  
Mona: What was that?  
  
Max: Wow! That had to be the longest, loudest profanity I've ever heard.  
  
Vladimir: Where could it have come from?  
  
(Back at the restaurant)  
  
(We see Vinnie walking back inside and returning to the restaurant. Violet is still sitting at their table, and is not looking too pleased.)  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, Violet, I'm all of a sudden not feelin' too good, so I'm gonna take ya home, okay?  
  
Violet: Y'know what? I'm just gonna get a cab. You can just stay here. I'm sure you and your ego will have a really nice time together! (storms off)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) I can't believe Payne did me like that. I may be desperate, but I ain't so desperate that I gotta pay for it.  
  
(We see Vinnie sitting at the table alone, dejected once more. Soon A.J. comes with the food.)  
  
A.J.: Here you guys go... Hey, what happened to your date?  
  
Vinnie: We, ahh, had a little spat, and she stormed off.  
  
A.J.: Oh. You think she'll be back?  
  
Vinnie: I doubt it. But I don't really care anyway. She wasn't my type.  
  
A.J.: Oh. Well, do you still want your food?  
  
Vinnie: Nah, all of a sudden I lost my appetite. I think I'm gonna just grab my check and go.  
  
A.J.: Oh, okay. I'll have it in just a moment.  
  
(A.J. disappears, then returns with the bill. Vinnie promptly leaves the cash on the table with it, plus leaves a sizeable tip for A.J. He then gets up and leaves.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Y'know, that A.J. was kinda cute. And she seemed really nice too. Maybe I'll come back here, just to see her. But for now, I'm mad at Payne, for settin' me up with a hooker, and leading me to believe that it was a legitimate blind date.  
  
(The house, about 8 PM)  
  
(We see the Vladimir, Mona, and Winterson lounging around watching the tube. Annie and Mike are at the dining room table chatting, and Max is nowhere to be found. Soon Vinnie opens the front door – he is pissed.)  
  
Vladimir: Oh, hello, Vinnie. How was your date?  
  
Vinnie: (face frozen, teeth gritted) Where's Payne?  
  
Mona: He's upstairs. Why? What's wrong?  
  
Vinnie: Get me Payne. Bring him to me.  
  
Winterson: Um, Vinnie, don't you think you should... blink first?  
  
(Max comes downstairs. He promptly sees Vinnie.)  
  
Max: Oh, hey Vinnie. You're home early. How was your date?  
  
Vinnie: It was a real kick in the head. Here, lemme show ya.  
  
(Vladimir promptly gets up and stands in front of him, to prevent him from getting to Max.)  
  
Vladimir: Heyy, Vinnie. Here's an idea: how about we all sit down and you can tell us all about it.  
  
Vinnie: (ignoring Vladimir) Why'd ya do it, Payne? Why!?  
  
Max: Do what, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Do what? Do what!? YOU SET ME UP WITH A HOOKER, THAT'S WHAT!  
  
Max: Hmm, Violet blurted it out like steam from a teakettle.  
  
Vinnie: I might notta been so angry if you'd a'told me she was a hooker to begin with, but you lied to me. You led me to believe she was a blind date.  
  
Max: Look, Vinnie. I was just trying to help.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, you were trying to help, huh? How? Like the guy who helps make sure the noose is tight before they hang you!? Huh!? Well, THANK YOU SO MUCH! HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU!?  
  
Mona: Vinnie, now just calm down...  
  
Vinnie: Butt out, Mona!  
  
Max: Vinnie, please. All right, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Violet. But I just... wanted you to have a date. I just... didn't want you to feel left out.  
  
Vinnie: Well, good f(bleep)king job, Payne! Good f(bleep)king job! (storms off up the stairs)  
  
Max: Vinnie, come on. We can fix this...  
  
Vinnie: No! No more fixing! I don't want anymore of your "help," Payne! Leave me alone! (disappears up the stairs)  
  
(We see the gang all glaring at Max.)  
  
Max: What? Why are you all mad at me? I was just trying to find Vinnie a date for you guys.  
  
Vladimir: I knew it when you used the term "booked." How could you, Max?  
  
Winterson: Yeah, Max. Why'd you do him like that?  
  
Max: Come on, do you really think a girl like that would go out with any of us, let alone him, if she wasn't getting paid?  
  
Mona: You could've asked someone else. Or let one of us fix him up, if that would've been just sooo difficult for you.  
  
Max: Look, I apologized to him about it, okay? I can't go back in time and erase this. What do you want?  
  
Annie: Do you not see what you did wrong here?  
  
Max: What, besides not tell Vinnie she was a hooker?  
  
Annie: Finding out she was a hooker probably left him feeling cheap and degraded. It hurt his feelings, even though he probably doesn't want to admit it. And you need to find some way to fix it.  
  
Max: I apologized. What am I supposed to do, buy him a necklace?  
  
Winterson: You could. Or you could just apologize again.  
  
Mike: Yes, that is a good idea. Apologize again.  
  
Vladimir: But do it later, after Vinnie cools off a bit.  
  
Max: (after a brief pause) All right. I'll do it tomorrow. That way, we can both sleep on it, and hopefully it will go better.  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode of The Real World... Will Vinnie forgive Max?... And will he work up the nerve to ask A.J. out?... And what's in store for Vlad regarding Winterson's pregnancy? Find out, on our next episode of The Real World.  
  
As usual, R&R's are always welcome. 


	10. Episode VIII

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This stuff is fiction, not fact.  
  
And now, episode VIII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vladimir: picked to live in a house...  
  
Winterson: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Mike: when people stop being polite...  
  
Annie: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, morning)  
  
(We see Vladimir in the kitchen – it is apparently his turn to make breakfast for the gang. Mona soon shows up.)  
  
Vladimir: Good morning, Mona.  
  
Mona: Hey Vlad. You cooking breakfast this morning?  
  
Vladimir: Yes, I am. Borscht omelet?  
  
Mona: Oh, uhh, sure. I guess.  
  
(Vladimir serves Mona the omelet that he is cooking at the moment, and then starts another one. Winterson soon shows up.)  
  
Winterson: Oh, hey Vlad. Cooking breakfast for us, huh?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. I should have an omelet ready for you in just two minutes.  
  
Winterson: Mmm, I love a man that can cook.  
  
Vladimir: Well, I try to be well-rounded for the ladies.  
  
(Mike and Annie show up. Mike smells the cooking.)  
  
Mike: Hey, is that borscht omelet I smell? I haven't had one since I leave Russia.  
  
Vladimir: I should have more for you guys shortly.  
  
Annie: Want me to help, Vladimir?  
  
Vladimir: Sure, Annie. Can you get another omelet started?  
  
Annie: Sure, no problem.  
  
Winterson: Where's Max, and Vinnie?  
  
Annie: Vinnie's still getting dressed.  
  
Mona: So is Max.  
  
(Meanwhile, up in Vinnie, Annie, and Mike's room...)  
  
(Vinnie is still getting dressed. He is putting on one of his many Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirts, and a pair of designer jeans. Soon there is a knock at the door.)  
  
Vinnie: Hold your horses. I'm comin' out. Just gimme a second.  
  
Max: (from outside) Vinnie? It's Max. Can I come in a second?  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, yeah, I guess.  
  
(Max opens the door and enters.)  
  
Max: Hey there, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, Payne.  
  
Max: Look, Vinnie. I really am sorry I didn't tell you about Violet last night. I guess I didn't figure you'd find out. At least not so soon. And I guess I also figured what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. But unlike the cartoon moment where gravity waits for the coyote to realize his mistake before the plunge, I didn't realize that I was wrong until I saw you so hurt.  
  
Vinnie: Look, Payne... it's okay. You're heart was in the right place. I guess you really were trying to help. Just... don't worry about it.  
  
Max: Thanks, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: No problem, Payne.  
  
(The two shake hands, then head downstairs for breakfast.)  
  
Vladimir: Max! Vinnie! You guys are here. Did you two make up?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, Vlad. I guess we did.  
  
Max: Vinnie took me back as a friend like the prodigal son.  
  
Vinnie: Uhhh, yeah, what he said.  
  
Vladimir: That's great. Have a borscht omelet, you guys.  
  
Vinnie: Borscht? What the hell's borscht?  
  
Vladimir: It's from Russia. It's very good.  
  
Mike: He's right. Very good. I love it.  
  
Max: Sure, why not? I'm as open-minded as a revolving door.  
  
(Vladimir & Winterson's room, later that afternoon)  
  
(We see Winterson, up in the room all by herself, watching out the window. She soon sees an old beaten-up pickup truck pull into the nearby parking garage.)  
  
Winterson: (smiling) It's showtime.  
  
(Winterson goes to the bedroom doorway and sticks her head out to call downstairs.)  
  
Winterson: Vlad! Can you come up here, please?  
  
(We hear footsteps. Soon Vladimir arrives.)  
  
Vladimir: What is it, baby?  
  
Winterson: Come in. And close the door.  
  
(Vladimir does so.)  
  
Vladimir: What's up, Winterson?  
  
Winterson: (pretending to be solemn) Vlad, you know that I went to see the doctor yesterday, right?  
  
Vladimir: Right. For your stomach ache.  
  
Winterson: Well...  
  
(Winterson lifts up her blouse and shows her bare tummy. It is getting a bit thick. We see shock in Vlad's face.)  
  
Vladimir: What!? How!?  
  
Winterson: It probably happened the night Mike came back, when we did it after coming home from the cowboy bar.  
  
Vladimir: No, it can't be. I wore a condom. You gave me the condom.  
  
Winterson: (grins a bit) Yes, I know.  
  
Vladimir: (confessional) Really, I wore a condom. That kid can't be mine.  
  
MTV Director: Actually, it can. Here's what happened.  
  
(We see hidden camera footage of Winterson entering the bedroom alone. She takes out a condom from her purse and unwraps it. She pulls out the tip a bit. She then takes out a Swiss army knife and unfolds the small pair of scissors. She uses them to cut a small hole in the tip of the condom. The hidden camera then cuts to her and Vladimir in the bedroom. They are still fully clothed, but about to get intimate. Winterson hands Vladimir the condom.)  
  
Vladimir: (confessional, doing his best to restrain his growing anger) Ohhhhh, that's just low. That is the lowest thing I've ever seen.  
  
(Back to the bedroom)  
  
Vladimir: Winterson! How could you? You made me get you pregnant. Why?  
  
Winterson: Vlad, I just wanted us to be together. What better way is there than to have a baby together?  
  
Vladimir: You could have bothered to check with me first. Of course, you could have bothered to check with me before deciding to room with me in the first place.  
  
Winterson: Well, be that as it may, Vlad, you're going to be this kid's daddy. And that's all there is to it.  
  
Vladimir: Oh, Winterson. I just remembered... I have to, uh... tell Max something.  
  
(Vladimir slips out of the bedroom, then bolts downstairs for the door. Winterson sees him, but takes her time following him, as if she knows something he doesn't.)  
  
(Meanwhile, downstairs, Vladimir is still making his way toward the door. The rest of the gang notices.)  
  
Max: Vlad, what's going on?  
  
Winterson: (from upstairs) Vlad, you can run, but you won't get far...  
  
(Vladimir ignores both of them and quickly opens the door, only to find two people standing in the doorway, blocking him. They are an older couple, clearly from out in the B.F.E. The man is wearing overalls and a hunter's cap, and is carrying a triple-X jug and a double-barrel shotgun. The woman is wearing a plain white dress and is clutching a Bible.)  
  
Old Man: Where do you think yer goin', boy?  
  
(Winterson struts down the stairs into the living room, looking smug.)  
  
Winterson: Vlad, I see you've met my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Vladimir Lem. Vlad, these are my parents, Cooter and Mildred Winterson.  
  
Vladimir: (trying to look innocent) Heh-heh-heh. Pleased to meet you.  
  
Old Woman (Mildred): You got our daughter pregnant.  
  
Mona: What!? Winterson, what the hell's going on here?  
  
Winterson: Oh yeah, I got pregnant by Vlad the night Mike came back. That's the real reason I went to the doctor yesterday.  
  
Annie: What? You're pregnant?  
  
Vinnie: Geez.  
  
Vladimir: She's pregnant because she cut a hole in the condom. She got herself pregnant to keep me with her.  
  
Old Man (Cooter): (stroking his shotgun) You callin' our little girl a liar, son?  
  
Vladimir: No. No sir.  
  
Max: So, what happens now?  
  
Mildred: Well, Vlad here's gonna make this all right.  
  
Vladimir: How?  
  
(Cooter cocks the hammer on his shotgun. We then see the house, thirty minutes later. There is a preacher standing in the middle of the living room. Vladimir is dressed in his trademark white linen suit, with Winterson standing at his side, dressed in her pant-suit, but wearing a white wedding veil and holding a bouquet of flowers. Cooter and Mildred are standing behind the two, Cooter occasionally taking a swig from his jug and keeping his shotgun pointed at Vladimir. The rest of the gang is standing around watching the ceremony.)  
  
Preacher: Friends, family members, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Valerie Anne Winterson and Vladimir Ilych Lem, in the bonds of holy wedlock. If there is anyone here who feels that these two should not be married, let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.  
  
Mona: Winterson, I don't think this is such a...  
  
Mildred: Zip it, little girl!  
  
Mona: (looking at the floor) Yes ma'am.  
  
Preacher: Do you, Valerie Winterson, take this man, Vladimir Lem, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?  
  
Winterson: I do.  
  
Preacher: And do you, Vladimir Lem, take this woman, Valerie Winterson, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?  
  
(Vladimir looks around, as if contemplating an escape route, but those thoughts are stifled by the cocking of a shotgun.)  
  
Cooter: Don't you try any funny business, Russkie boy. This shotgun's loaded, and so am I.  
  
Vladimir: Yes, I mean, uh... I do.  
  
Preacher: Then by the power vested in me by the Lord our God, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.  
  
(Vladimir looks around nervously, then lifts up Winterson's veil and kisses her. The others force themselves to clap. Winterson then throws her bouquet into the crowd. Mona catches it. She doesn't quite know what to make of this. The others clap.)  
  
Winterson: Well, time for the honeymoon.  
  
Vladimir: So, ahh, honey. Where are we going?  
  
Winterson: To a cabin by my parents' house.  
  
Cooter: And don't you try to run, cause we're gonna be watching from outside.  
  
Vladimir: Watching?  
  
Mildred: Come on, Cooter. Them two kids can take one o' them limo-zine's. We can follow 'em in the truck.  
  
Cooter: Let's go, honey.  
  
Vladimir: Max? Mona? Anybody? Do something?  
  
Max: Sorry, Vlad. Wish I could help, but you're a deer and Cooter and Mildred are the headlights.  
  
(The gang follows Vladimir and Winterson, and Cooter and Mildred, outside. They watch as Vladimir and Winterson get into one of the limos parked outside. Winterson waves goodbye to the group, and Vladimir nervously does the same. The limo then drives away, followed by Cooter and Mildred in the old pick-up that we saw pull into the parking garage.)  
  
Vinnie: Well that was a nice wedding, in a f(bleep)king terrible, sick, not- at-all nice way.  
  
Annie: Ahh, man. Vladimir and Winterson are gone. This sucks.  
  
Mona: Yeah, Winterson and I were really starting to bond.  
  
Mike: I miss Vlad already. He was like brother to me.  
  
Max: Well, you know what they say. Everything can change in a New York minute. But the show must go on. I'm sure the network will find us some new housemates, and everything will get back to normal.  
  
Mona: I guess you're right. Still, I'm gonna miss Vlad. I hope Winterson's parents aren't too rough on him.  
  
Vinnie: Uh oh, it's getting dark. I'd better call the restaurant before Angelo goes home.  
  
Max: Who's Angelo?  
  
Vinnie: He's the guy who owns Casa di Angelo, the restaurant I went to with Violet. He also owns Angelo's Jazz Club.  
  
Mona: Okay, so why do you need to call the restaurant.  
  
Vinnie: Well, when I was there last night, I saw this cute waitress there. Named A.J. I'm gonna ask Angelo about her. Y'know... see if she's available and what not.  
  
Annie: Heyy, all right. Good for you, Vinnie.  
  
Max: There now, see, last night wasn't a total loss now, was it?  
  
Vinnie: Naw, Payne, I guess not.  
  
Mike: Good luck, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Mike.  
  
(Vinnie goes back in the house.)  
  
Max: So, Address Unknown, everyone?  
  
Mona: Sure, let's watch.  
  
(The rest of the group goes back in the house, sits around the living room, and turns on the TV, where "Address Unknown" is playing.)  
  
MTV Announcer: Who's going to replace Vlad and Winterson? And will Vinnie get a date with A.J.? Find out this and more, on our next episode of The Real World...  
  
Do you have any ideas about who should replace Vladimir and Winterson? You can either e-mail me with them, or include them in your R&R's. Thanks. Any input will be much appreciated ( 


	11. Episode IX

Disclaimers: You should know them all by now.  
  
And now, Episode IX of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
MTV Director: Uhh, Mona, it's five strangers for now.  
  
Mona: Oh, sorry. Of five strangers...  
  
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Mike: Find out what happens...  
  
Max: (after a short pause) Ah, hell, I guess I'll do it. When people stop being polite...  
  
Mona: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, Manhattan, early evening)  
  
(We see Max, Mona, Annie, and Mike lounging around the living room, watching "Address Unknown" on TV. Vinnie is upstairs, getting ready to call the restaurant about A.J. It is shortly after Vladimir and Winterson took off after the "wedding.")  
  
Mona: God, I still can't believe Vlad and Winterson are gone.  
  
Max: Like I said, everything can change in a New York minute. What I can't believe is how Winterson's dad was able to get past security with that shotgun.  
  
Annie: He probably threatened 'em with it. I don't think security's armed up here.  
  
Max: Well, apparently they should be.  
  
Mike: Poor Vladimir. I miss him already.  
  
Mona: I kinda miss Winterson too. But I do wonder if she really did cut that hole in the condom like Vlad said.  
  
Max: I'm sure that the truth will come out like the sunrise from the darkness of a night storm through the clouds trying to cover it up.  
  
Annie: Let's hope so.  
  
(Meanwhile, upstairs, Vinnie is about to call the restaurant regarding A.J. He is quite nervous.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Well, here goes. Even though I've talked to girls before, I always get nervous. I just hope this goes well – better than the last time.  
  
(We see Vinnie pick up the phone and dial the number to the restaurant.)  
  
Vinnie: Fats? It's me Vinnie... Yeah, how ya doin'?... Yeah, lemme talk to Angelo, would ya?... Thanks. (After about a minute) Hey Angelo. It's Vinnie... Yeah, I'm good. Listen, I was just calling about that waitress that served me and my date last night... Yeah, it didn't quite work out. But anyway, that waitress A.J. was really nice, and cute too... Yeah, I was just wondering if she was married or had a boyfriend or something... Really?... Ah, good... Yeah, I guess I am... Yeah, I'd like to maybe come in as a customer and ask her while she's waiting on me... Saturday night?... Yeah, that'll work. Can you just make sure that I get one of her tables when I come in?... All right, great. See ya then. Thanks.  
  
(Vinnie hangs up.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) All right! She's available! Great. She's supposed to be on next Saturday night, so I'm gonna go by the restaurant then. Ask her out then. (smiles) Y'know... turn on the ol' Gognitti charm.  
  
(Downstairs)  
  
(We see the rest of the gang, still watching "Address Unknown.")  
  
Annie: Don't you go in there, John. Don't you go in there!  
  
Mona: Um, Annie, I don't think he can hear you.  
  
Annie: (a bit taken aback) Uhh, yeah, I know.  
  
Mona: Well, then why are you talking to the TV?  
  
Annie: I don't know.  
  
Max: Hush, guys. My favorite part's coming up.  
  
Voices on TV: John Mirra?... Yes, this is he... This is John Mirra. Welcome... to the next level...  
  
Max: Wow. Freaky. Like walking in on your parents getting intimate.  
  
Mike: Ewww, that's gross.  
  
Mona: Yeah, Max. Now we got pictures stuck in our heads.  
  
(Vinnie comes down.)  
  
Max: Hey there, Vinnie.  
  
Mona: Hey, Vinnie. Did you call the restaurant?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, I did. Good news: A.J.'s available. She's working again Saturday night, so I'm gonna stop by and ask her out then.  
  
Annie: A'right! Good for you. Hope you get a date with her.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, thanks, Annie.  
  
(We hear the phone ringing. Mona jumps up.)  
  
Mona: I'll get it!  
  
(Mona quickly goes into the kitchen and answers the phone.)  
  
Mona: Hello?  
  
MTV Producer: (on other end) Mona. How are things going?  
  
Mona: Oh, uhh, okay, I guess, considering.  
  
MTV Producer: Yeah, I hear you.  
  
Mona: How the hell did those parents of Winterson's get onto the set, anyway?  
  
MTV Producer: Basically, because of that big-ass shotgun the father was carrying. He threatened security with it, and they're unarmed, so there wasn't really anything they could do. But I will say, that shotgun wedding made for a pretty good show.  
  
Mona: Yeah, whatever. So what happens now?  
  
MTV Producer: I've already got two more guests on their way. I'm bringing back Kaufman, and the other guest I'm gonna let be a surprise.  
  
Mona: Oh, okay. I'm definitely cool with Kaufman coming back. And hopefully the other guest'll work out great too.  
  
MTV Producer: Well, they'll both be here tomorrow during the day.  
  
Mona: Okay, thanks for giving us the heads up. Bye.  
  
(Mona hangs up, then returns to the living room.)  
  
Max: That was a good line. Always liked it. "Mirrors are more fun than television." A treasure from the chest of television history.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, whatever, Payne. Can we just watch, please?  
  
Max: Oh, sorry. (notices Mona) Oh, hey Mona. Who was that on the phone?  
  
Mona: Oh, that was the producer. He's bringing Kaufman back to replace Vlad, plus one other guest to replace Winterson, but he didn't tell me who it was.  
  
Annie: Oh, for real?  
  
Max: All right. Kaufman's coming back. I'm gonna go get the dominoes set up.  
  
Vinnie: Geez, Payne, is that all you ever think about? That damn domino game?  
  
Max: What? I just wanna beat Kaufman at dominoes. What's wrong with that?  
  
Annie: You just seem a little obsessed with it, that's all.  
  
Max: When somebody beats you at your favorite game, obsession with beating them is the only natural emotion to feel. It's a very primordial, instinctive emotion. Nothing instinctive can be wrong.  
  
Annie: Oh, whatever.  
  
Mona: Well, in any case, the two guests will be here sometime tomorrow.  
  
Mike: All right. I meet Kaufman before, but I never really get to know him. This'll be fun.  
  
Mona: Well, he's rather quiet. I think he's a bit... simple.  
  
Annie: Yeah, but a nice guy. Pretty decent, yo.  
  
Vinnie: He used to be part of the cleaning crew here on the set, but he recently left with some of the other cleaners to start his own cleaning company. Last I heard, he was doin' pretty well for himself.  
  
Max: Y'know. We should all go out and do something tomorrow after Kaufman and the other guests arrive. An activity or something. We haven't done that in quite a while.  
  
Mona: Yeah, that's a good idea.  
  
(The house, a little later.)  
  
(The gang is still lounging around the living room, but is looking a bit restless.)  
  
Mona: You know what? I'm getting bored being cooped up in here.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, me too. Glad you brought that up.  
  
Max: Y'know, we could go to a club. That's also something we haven't done in a while.  
  
Annie: Shouldn't we wait and take the new guests with us tomorrow?  
  
Max: We're already planning something to do with them for tomorrow. And who says we can't go clubbing again tomorrow night, with them?  
  
Annie: Oh yeah, I guess you're right.  
  
Mona: I'm with Max. I think we should go tonight – just us. It'd be better than sitting here bored.  
  
Vinnie: Well, what're we waitin' for. Let's go.  
  
Mike: Let's giddyup.  
  
(Studio 53 1/2, Lower Manhattan, evening)  
  
(We see the gang all out on the dance floor, dancing together. J-Kwon's "Tipsy" is currently playing. Mike and Annie are dancing with each other, and Max and Vinnie are both dancing with Mona.)  
  
Annie: (shouting to be heard above the music) What does everybody think of this place?  
  
Mona: It's pretty tight. I like it.  
  
Max: Yeah, me too.  
  
Vinnie: Me three.  
  
Mike: Hey, I like it a lot. Thanks for taking us.  
  
Annie: I know it ain't your kinda music, but are you havin' fun otherwise?  
  
Mike: Yes, it's very good.  
  
Annie: That's great. Glad to hear it. Listen, we gonna go sit down for a while. Can you get us some drinks?  
  
Mike: Sure, let me grab seat with you guys first.  
  
(The gang goes over to the side and sits at a table.)  
  
Mike: So, what does everybody want?  
  
Vinnie: Hey Mike, get me a seven-and-seven, would ya?  
  
Max: Whiskey sour.  
  
Annie: Hook me up with a Long Island iced tea.  
  
Mona: I think I'll have a Fuzzy Navel.  
  
Mike: All right. Be right back.  
  
(Mike goes over to bar and speaks to the bartender.)  
  
Bartender: What do ya need, pal?  
  
Mike: Heyy, I need Coors, seven-and-seven, whiskey sour, Long Island iced tea, and a Fuzzy Navel.  
  
Bartender: Yeah, one sec.  
  
(Bartender goes over to get the drinks. He returns momentarily.)  
  
Bartender: $34.25.  
  
(Mike pays the bartender, then takes the drinks back to the table.)  
  
Mike: Here you go guys.  
  
Max: Thanks, Mike.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, thanks, Mike.  
  
Annie: Thank you.  
  
Mona: Thank you.  
  
Max: Hey guys. Before we drink, we should make a toast. (raises his glass) To Vlad and Winterson: we'll miss you guys, and we hope everything works out for you two.  
  
(Everyone is snickering, but they still lift their drinks up and clink them together)  
  
Everyone: Vlad and Winterson. (everyone drinks up)  
  
(We now see a tough-looking group of people pass by the group's table. Most of them are drunk. One of them staggers into Max's stool and nearly knocks him over. The man looks back just long enough to snarl at him.)  
  
Max: Hey! You could say excuse me, at least!  
  
(The guy ignores him and rejoins the group. Max gets up to go talk to him.)  
  
Mona: Max, hey! It's okay. Just let it go.  
  
Max: Relax. I'm just gonna go talk to the guy.  
  
(Max catches up to the group and gets the attention of the guy who ran into him.)  
  
Max: Excuse me. Sir?  
  
Tough guy #1: What the f(bleep)k you want?  
  
Max: Hey, what's the big idea running into my table like that? You nearly knocked me over, and you didn't even say excuse me.  
  
Tough guy #1: Yeah? So what?  
  
Max: Y'know, it's not a fatal mistake to show a little manners.  
  
(By now, his friends have come to join him.)  
  
Tough guy #2: Hey, Tony, what's going on here?  
  
Tough guy #1 (Tony): This guy's mouthin' off to me.  
  
Max: Hey, I'm not mouthing off. The guy walked into my table and didn't say excuse me. I just would like him to apologize.  
  
Tony: Oh... okay. Sorry.  
  
Max: Thank you. (starts to walk off)  
  
Tony: Sorry that you're such a p(bleep)y.  
  
(The rest of the gang starts laughing. Max is pissed.)  
  
Max: All right, what's your g(bleep)damn problem? Are you not getting any at home or something?  
  
Tony: No, but I'm getting some at your mother's home. (the others laugh)  
  
Max: Whatever. Screw you guys.  
  
(Max starts to walk off again. Suddenly, he is hit in the back of the head by a flying empty beer bottle. He goes down. Tony and the other two guys with him rush over and start wailing on Max. The rest of the gang notices.)  
  
Mona: Oh my god! Max!!  
  
(Vinnie and Mike are gone from the table and over at the fight within seconds. They rush Tough guy #2 & #3 and beat the crap out of them. This buys Max the time he needs to get up from under Tony, and Max begins to fight him. Tony and the others fight hard, but Max, Vinnie, and Mike overcome them. Within moments, however, the bouncers grab all the guys and escort them out of the club. Mona and Annie follow them.)  
  
Max: Hey, get your hands off me! Ouch!... All right, I'm going.  
  
(The bouncers push Max, Mike, Vinnie, and Tony and his gang out the doors. They are all pissed.)  
  
Tony: This ain't over yet, b(bleep)ch.  
  
Vinnie: I catch you motherf(bleep)ers on the street, you're all f(bleep)in' grease spots.  
  
(Tony and his gang stagger off, Vinnie and the others watching them.)  
  
Mike: Hey, Max. Don't worry. I fix their wagon.  
  
Max: Thanks guys, but I'm okay. I'm just sorry I got you guys thrown out. I stepped over the edge of the proverbial cliff by arguing with that guy.  
  
Vinnie: Nah, don't worry about it, Payne. That j(bleep)k-off shoulda apologized to you. He crossed the line cold-cockin' you like that.  
  
(Meanwhile, Mona and Annie are exiting the club. They are stopped by the bouncers.)  
  
Bouncer #1: Go back inside. Nothing to see here.  
  
Mona: Hey, outta the way.  
  
Annie: Yeah, we with those guys. We're taking 'em home.  
  
Bouncer #2: If they come back in here again, we'll have them arrested.  
  
Mona: Oh really! And what about those a(bleep)holes that started that s(bleep)t with 'em. You gonna have them arrested if they show up?  
  
Bouncer #1: As a matter of fact, we will. Now you guys need to leave.  
  
Annie: Yeah, whatever.  
  
(Mona and Annie join Max and the other guys.)  
  
Annie: Man, what's wrong with you guys? Why the hell did you have to get all up in they faces like that?  
  
Max: I'm sorry. That guy was rude, and I just wanted an apology. I didn't think he'd make such a big deal about it.  
  
Annie: Well, good going. Now we can't come back here.  
  
Max: Well, what was I supposed to do? Those guys were kicking my ass.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, Annie. What were we supposed to do, let 'em beat Max into a freakin' coma?  
  
Mona: I gotta say, Annie. There wasn't much Max could do at that point.  
  
Annie: (after a brief pause) A'right, look, let's not fight about it. Let's just go on home, and let's take care of those cuts. We'll all feel better tomorrow, and we can all be cool for Kaufman and the new guest. A'right?  
  
Mike: Okay, Annie.  
  
Max: All right. I need to shake this off like the cocoon of a newborn butterfly... Once again, sorry about this guys.  
  
Mona: Don't worry about it, Max.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, Payne.  
  
Annie: Yeah, Max. Let's all just go home.  
  
MTV Announcer: On the next episode of The Real World... Who will be the new guest coming with Kaufman? And will Vinnie score a date with A.J.? Find out this and more, on The Real World.  
  
As usual, R&R's are always much appreciated. And DO stay tuned for more... 


	12. Episode X

Disclaimers: Okay, you know the drill. Don't own this stuff; Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This is fiction, not fact.  
  
Wow! I can't believe we're this far. Episode X of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Mike: Find out what happens...  
  
Vinnie: when people stop being polite...  
  
Max: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York  
  
(The house, morning)  
  
(We see Mona in the kitchen, eating some toast. Max soon shows up. He looks surprisingly healthy, considering the fight last night, with a very small cut on his cheek.)  
  
Max: Good morning, Mona.  
  
Mona: Hey, Max. You feeling okay?  
  
Max: Yeah, surprisingly. I only got a small cut on my face. The other guys look okay too.  
  
Mona: That's good. Man, that was some night last night, wasn't it?  
  
Max: Yes, it was. If it never happens for a googolplex of years, it'll be too soon.  
  
Mona: Right.  
  
(Annie & Mike come down to join the two.)  
  
Mona: Oh, hey Annie. Hey Mike.  
  
Annie: 'Sup, crew.  
  
Mike: Good morning, folks.  
  
Annie: You feelin' better, Max?  
  
Max: Yes. I am. Thanks for asking. What about you guys?  
  
Mike: I'm okay. I keep those varmints off me.  
  
Max: Well, thanks for sticking up for me. Sorry again about letting that guy get to me. I should have just let him go like a bumblebee in a jar.  
  
Annie: Hey, don't worry about it, Max. It's over and done with. I'm just glad everyone's okay.  
  
Max: Thanks.  
  
(Vinnie comes down. He looks a little smug.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey gang. Some night last night, wasn't it?  
  
Max: Sure, Vinnie. I guess.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Mike, you sure handled yourself well against those punks.  
  
Mike: Thanks. You too Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Well, ya know, gotta protect my pals.  
  
Mona: (quickly changing the subject) C'mon guys. We gotta get this place cleaned up before Kaufman and the new guest arrive.  
  
Vinnie: Oh yeah, let's go.  
  
(We hear No Doubt's "Sunday Morning" playing in the background while we see the gang vacuuming, taking out trash, making the beds, dusting tables and wiping down counters. Vinnie tidies up his part of the room, especially his Captain Baseball Bat Boy collection. Soon the gang finishes.)  
  
Max: Done!  
  
Mona: Wow, we really spit-shined this place in a jiffy, didn't we?  
  
Max: Sure. Like a rain through a dustbowl in the middle of the Midwest during a drought.  
  
(We hear a knock at the door.)  
  
Max: Okay, that's Kaufman and the other guest.  
  
Vinnie: You wanna do the honors, Payne?  
  
Max: Sure.  
  
(Max goes over and opens the door to reveal Kaufman and what appears to be Mona, behind him. Kaufman is wearing a tailor-made Armani suit, and his "Squeaky Cleaning Company" baseball cap.)  
  
Max: Kaufman! Long time, no see. Nice suit, buddy. I guess your new cleaning company's doing well.  
  
Kaufman: Yep.  
  
Max: (seeing "Mona" behind Kaufman) Mona? What are you doing outside? Did you see the new guest?  
  
"Mona": Uhh, I'm the new guest.  
  
Max: C'mon, Mona. Stop fooling around. Where's the other guest?  
  
Mona: (hearing the commotion from inside) Max, what's going on?  
  
(Mona steps outside and sees "Mona." She shrieks with excitement.)  
  
Mona: Oh my... Lisa!!  
  
"Mona" (Lisa): Mona!!  
  
(They both hug each other excitedly. The others are completely dumbfounded.)  
  
Max: Mona? You have a twin?  
  
Vinnie: As I live and breathe.  
  
Mona: Guys, this is my twin sister, Lisa Punchinello.  
  
Vinnie: Punchinello? Any relation to Angelo Punchinello, who owns Angelo's Jazz Club and Casa di Angelo?  
  
Lisa: Yeah. He's my husband.  
  
Vinnie: Wow! You're Angelo's wife. I know Angelo. He's a friend of mine.  
  
Lisa: Interesting.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, I'm Vinnie, by the way. Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
Lisa: Nice to meet you. (Shakes Vinnie's hand)  
  
Mona: Well, Lisa. I guess you've already met Kaufman here, and Vinnie. (points to everyone else around the room) This is Max Payne, Annie Finn, and Mike "the Cowboy."  
  
Max: Nice to meet you, Lisa.  
  
Annie: How you doin', Lisa?  
  
Mike: Howdy, ma'am. (tips his hat)  
  
Lisa: Nice to meet you, guys.  
  
Mona: Well, Lisa, I guess you're gonna wanna put your stuff up and get settled in. You too, Kaufman. Are we gonna have them share Vlad and Winterson's room together, or what?  
  
Lisa: Oooo, I don't know. My husband might not like me sharing a room with another guy. No offense, Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: It's okay.  
  
Mona: Hmmm, I suppose you could room with me. Max... uhh, you mind changing rooms so Lisa can room with me?  
  
Max: Sure, no problem. You two probably need to catch up like a crippled old man to a bullet train.  
  
Mona: Thanks Max. So how are we gonna change things up?  
  
Kaufman: I'll room with Max.  
  
Max: (confessional) Uh oh. This doesn't sound too good. Too "Deliverance"- y.  
  
Max: Ummmm, I don't know...  
  
Kaufman: I'll behave.  
  
(Vinnie and Mike snicker a bit.)  
  
Max: Oh, all right. I'll room with Kaufman. But I expect a domino game out of this. You still owe me a rematch.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
Mona: Great. It's settled. Let's get started.  
  
(We see Max and Kaufman put all their stuff in Vlad and Winterson's old room, while Mona is helping Lisa move her stuff into her room. Vinnie, Mike, and Annie also pitch in, and they are soon finished. We then see them lounging around in the living room.)  
  
Kaufman: Where's Vladimir and Winterson?  
  
Mona: Oh, they didn't tell you? Vlad and Winterson are married.  
  
Vinnie: Not by Vlad's choice, though.  
  
Lisa: Who are Vlad and Winterson?  
  
Mona: Oh, they're the two guests you and Kaufman are replacing. Vlad had somehow gotten Winterson pregnant, even though he was wearing a condom. So Winterson's parents showed up and forced Vlad to marry her.  
  
Max: Yeah. We had a shotgun wedding right here in this living room, and haven't heard from them since.  
  
Annie: Yeah, Winterson was kinda controlling of Vlad. She wasn't too cool with Vlad doin' his own thing.  
  
Kaufman: Too bad. I liked Vlad.  
  
Max: Wow. You and Mona are twins. I can't get over it. It's like the way a drunk sees a pretty girl.  
  
Lisa: (giggling) Thanks, Max.  
  
Mona: (smiling a little) Oh Max, stop being such a flirt.  
  
Lisa: (confessional) This is pretty cool, seeing Mona again. Plus the rest of the guys seem pretty cool. I think this is gonna be fun.  
  
Vinnie: So Kaufman, I hear your new cleaning company is doing real well.  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmmm. We're a Fortune 500 Company.  
  
Max: Really? So soon? Wow, you're quite the entrepreneur. No wonder your wearing a suit that fits you like a silk toga.  
  
Kaufman: Yep. I'm happy. (though not smiling)  
  
Kaufman: (confessional, still blank-looking) I'm happy to see the gang again. But I miss Vladimir and Winterson.  
  
Mike: So, what do we all want to do today?  
  
Mona: I'm open. Any ideas, anyone?  
  
Annie: I don't know.  
  
Vinnie: Me either.  
  
Mona: Lisa? Kaufman?  
  
Lisa: I'm cool with whatever you guys want.  
  
Kaufman: Me too.  
  
Max: Oh, I know. There's this great building we could go see. They give out tours daily. It's really interesting.  
  
Mona: Oh... yeah, I guess that'd be cool. Okay with you guys?  
  
Lisa: Sure.  
  
Annie: Yeah, a'right.  
  
Mike: Yeah, that sounds like fun.  
  
Vinnie: Let's roll.  
  
(The Asgard Building, Brooklyn)  
  
(We see the gang enter the building lobby. Max goes to the front desk and registers the group for the tour. The lady has gang wait for a couple of minutes on a bench to the side. Soon the tour guide shows up, an old man in a wheelchair – it's Alfred Woden.)  
  
Woden: Missssster Payne. I've been exxxxxxpecting you. (A/N: Not a typo.)  
  
Max: Hi. We're here for the tour.  
  
Woden: Yesssss, come thisssss way.  
  
(The group follows Woden as he leads them through the lobby and towards the elevator, talking to them along the way.)  
  
Woden: Thisss building pre-datesss the city hall by two years, thusss being the oldest building ssssstill in ussssse at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge.  
  
(The gang nods to each other as Woden continues.)  
  
Woden: Thissss building issss usssed to housssssse many government agenciessss that overssssssee many of our nationssss affairsssss in businessss, financccce, and defensssssse. It issssss home to many sssssenatorsssss, congresssssmen, and other memberssssss of our legissssssslative, exxxxxecutive, and judicial branchesssss of government.  
  
(The gang arrives at the elevator.)  
  
Woden: Firssssst we are going down to sssssssee the bassssssement, where many government filesssss dating back for centuriessssss are houssssssed here.  
  
Max: (confessional) What is the deal with Woden? Does he have to hiss like a viper every time he talks? It's the proverbial fingernails on a chalkboard.  
  
(Woden presses the button. The elevator soon arrives and everyone gets on. He then presses the button to take the elevator down to the basement. When the elevator arrives, he leads the group off. The basement has cabinets as far and as high as the eye can see, and they are full of files.)  
  
Woden: Thissss issss the bassssement. Here we keep filessss going back many centuriesssss. Thisssss bassssement can withssssstand a nuclear blasssssst, ssssso the filessssss will be sssssafe in casssssse there isssss an attack on American ssssssoil.  
  
Vinnie: So, ah, what's in the files?  
  
Woden: That'ssssss classssssified.  
  
Vinnie: Oh.  
  
Kaufman: This place looks dirty. Need someone to clean it?  
  
Woden: (After a brief pause) No.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) Oh well, had to try.  
  
Woden: Now, let'sssss go up to the library, on the ssssssecond floor.  
  
(Woden leads the gang to the other end of the basement and onto a second elevator. He presses the button for floor two, and everyone rides the elevator up. They get off at the second floor and are in a huge library. Woden stops the group in the center and begins talking again.)  
  
Woden: Here isssss our library. Unlike the bassssement, all of the booksssss in here are free for the public to read. There are many booksssss and other referenccccce materialssss here for almosssst anything you can think of. Go ahead, assssssk me where to find anything.  
  
Vinnie: Captain Baseball Bat Boy scripts.  
  
Woden: Entertainment and Media, sssssecond shhhhelf from the far right.  
  
Lisa: The best restaurants in the city.  
  
Woden: Travel, in the T ssssssection, third shhhhelf from the bottom.  
  
Max: Plans for world domination.  
  
Woden: (thinks for a second) That'ssssss in the basssssement.  
  
Max: Naturally.  
  
Woden: Let'sssss now go up to the third floor, where many of our officessss are.  
  
(Woden leads the gang out of the library and into the hall towards some more elevators. As he is leading everyone, they pass by an older, very ugly woman in a business suit, flanked by two guys in suits, shades, and wearing earpieces. The woman is Nicole Horne, from MP1.)  
  
Woden: Horne.  
  
Horne: Woden.  
  
Mike: (confessional) My lord, she was uglier than t(bleep)ts on a bull.  
  
(Woden and the group arrive at the elevators. Woden calls for an elevator, and when one arrives, he leads the group onto it. He then pushes the button for the third floor, and when the elevator arrives, he and the group get off. They are now inside a hallway with offices on either side of them. Woden stops the group here and talks again.)  
  
Woden: Thessssse are our officessss. Thissss isss where many of the day-to- day operationsssss of our government are conducted. Many senatorsssss, congressssssmen, and cabinet memberssssss work right here on thisssssss floor.  
  
(The gang looks around, impressed.)  
  
Woden: Thisssss endssss the tour. Any questionsssss?  
  
Mona: Is your office on this floor?  
  
Woden: Yessssss, it isssss the large one at the end of the hall. In fact, I give out private tourssssss of it. There'sssss lotssss of room, and a lot of comfy furniture. You and your sissssster (gesturing to Lisa) are welcome to ssssssee it.  
  
Mona: In your dreams, old man.  
  
Woden: Okay. (Falls asleep immediately in his wheelchair, and is snoring. The gang doesn't quite know what to make of it.)  
  
Annie: I guess the tour's over.  
  
Vinnie: Hey, let's go down to the gift shop and grab some souvenirs.  
  
(The gang takes the elevator back down to the lobby. When it arrives, they get off and go immediately into the corner gift shop. We see them picking out postcards, pens, hats, t-shirts, and the like. The group buys them all, and then leaves.)  
  
Annie: (confessional) The building was pretty tight. It was nice doing something with the whole group again. It's been a while since we've done that.  
  
Lisa: (confessional) My sister was right. These guys are pretty cool. I had fun hanging out with them. I hope we can do some more stuff like it.  
  
Max: (confessional) I loved the tour. It was fun, even with Woden talking like a tire with a nail in it... Man, that Horne lady was ugly. I'd say someone didn't have any friends when she was a kid. She looked a little spooky too. Someone should keep an eye on her.  
  
(The house, that evening.)  
  
(We see the gang lounging around the living room. Vinnie and Mike are watching Captain Baseball Bat Boy; Mona, Annie, and Lisa are in the kitchen, talking; and Max and Kaufman are at the table, playing dominoes – Kaufman is winning.)  
  
Kaufman: (slapping down a domino) Ten.  
  
Max: (writing his score on a piece of paper) Damn. You win again.  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.  
  
(The two shuffle the dominoes, then begin playing again. Meanwhile, in the kitchen...)  
  
Lisa: So what are we going to do tomorrow?  
  
Annie: I dunno. Any ideas, Mona?  
  
Mona: Uhhh, no. Not really.  
  
Annie: Oh, I know! We haven't had a party here. Let's do that tomorrow night.  
  
Mona: Okay. I'm cool with that. Lisa?  
  
Lisa: Uhh, sure, that'll be fine.  
  
Annie: Let's ask the guys.  
  
(In the living room...)  
  
Vinnie: Woohoo! Kick his ass, Captain Baseball Bat Boy!  
  
Mike: Ha-ha-ha! Take that, Maxwell's Demon.  
  
Annie: Yo guys. Wanna have a little party tomorrow night?  
  
Max: What, here?  
  
Annie: Yeah, we ain't had one yet.  
  
Max: Umm, okay. I guess that'd be okay.  
  
Mona: How 'bout you, Kaufman?  
  
Kaufman: Cool.  
  
Lisa: Hey Vinnie, Mike. How'd you guys feel about having a party tomorrow night?  
  
Mike: Heyyy, that sounds like fun.  
  
Max: Hey Vinnie, tomorrow's Saturday, so you could invite that A.J. chick to it.  
  
Vinnie: All right. Could I call some friends of mine too – ask 'em over?  
  
Annie: Sure, a'right.  
  
Mona: Hey Annie, let's see if we can get Vlad and Winterson to come over too.  
  
Annie: Sure, that'd be cool.  
  
Lisa: I'll invite my husband.  
  
Max: I got a friend or two I can call.  
  
Kaufman: I'll bring some of my cleaning buddies.  
  
Mike: I bring some friends too.  
  
Mona: Wow! This is gonna be some party.  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, will the gang throw a great house party? Will Vinnie get that date with A.J.? And will Max ever beat Kaufman at dominoes? Stay tuned for more, on our next episode of The Real World.  
  
Okay, hope this was worth the wait. Please continue to R&R – I love you guys' feedback. 


	13. Commercial Break 2

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This is not a real business – just made up.  
  
Max Payne & Co. present The Real World will return after a brief word from our sponsors.  
  
(The house, afternoon)  
  
(We see Vinnie just getting off the phone. He hangs up and hurriedly runs into the living room, where Max and Mike are lounging on the couch.)  
  
Vinnie: Oh no!  
  
Max: What's wrong, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: We got a bunch of people coming over, and the house looks like a pig sty.  
  
Mike: Oh no. What are we going to do?  
  
Max: I know!  
  
(Max goes into the kitchen, picks up the phone, and makes a phone call. Seconds later, we see a whirlwind burst through the front door and into the living room. It stops to reveal three people wearing light blue jumpsuits. They are cleaners, from the "Squeaky Cleaning Company.")  
  
Cleaner #1: Hi. Squeaky Cleaning Company. What seems to be the trouble, sir?  
  
Vinnie: We got a bunch of guests coming over in thirty minutes, and we need the whole house to look spic-'n-span.  
  
Cleaner #2: No problem. Let's go, guys.  
  
(The cleaners go through the whole house like a whirlwind. It is spotless within seconds – every bread crumb and scrap of paper is gone without a trace!)  
  
Cleaner #3: Done.  
  
Max: Wow! You swept this place up like a torrential rainfall.  
  
Mike: Thanks, guys.  
  
Cleaner #1: Well, we owe it to the man who started it all.  
  
(Cut to a shot of Kaufman, sitting in a big office behind a desk. He is wearing his "Squeaky Cleaning Company" uniform and hat, and we see at the bottom of the screen, "Kaufman: Founder & CEO, Squeaky Cleaning Company.")  
  
Kaufman: Hi. I'm Kaufman. I like cleaning so much... I started a cleaning company.  
  
(Cut back to the house, with many guests socializing at a party."  
  
Guest: Nice place, guys. How do you keep it so clean?  
  
Max: Had a little help from a friend.  
  
Vinnie: That's right. (To the camera) Thanks, Squeaky Cleaning Company. (Freeze frame on him giving a thumbs-up.)  
  
Announcer: Squeaky Cleaning Company. We get your home or office "Squeaky" clean... 


	14. Episode XI

Disclaimers: You should know them by heart by now.  
  
Here's episode XI of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Lisa: This is the story...  
  
Kaufman: of seven strangers...  
  
Annie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Mike: and have their lives taped...  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Mona: when people stop being polite...  
  
Max: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, morning)  
  
(We see Mike in the kitchen – it is apparently his turn to make breakfast. He is making ham, bacon, eggs, sausage, and toast. Annie soon comes in and sees him.)  
  
Annie: Hey Mike. You cookin' breakfast today?  
  
Mike: Yes. Some good old-fashioned down-home grub. You hungry?  
  
Annie: Mmm-hmm. Sure am.  
  
(Annie makes a plate for herself. As she is sitting down, Max and Kaufman make their way downstairs.)  
  
Mike: Hey guys. Grab some grub.  
  
Kaufman: Thanks.  
  
Max: Thanks. I need some like steam needs a teakettle.  
  
(As Max and Kaufman sit down to eat, Vinnie shows up.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey, is that sausage I smell?  
  
Mike: Hey Vinnie. Grab some home-cookin'.  
  
Vinnie: All right. Thanks, Mike.  
  
(As Vinnie makes up his plate and sits down, Mona and Lisa come downstairs.)  
  
Annie: Hey yaw. Mike's makin' breakfast.  
  
Mike: Hey girls. Get some grub before it runs out.  
  
Mona: Mmmm. Looks good.  
  
Lisa: I'm just gonna have some eggs and toast.  
  
Mona: (pointing to her sister) She's a vegetarian. But give me plenty of everything.  
  
(Mona and Lisa get their food and join the rest of the group.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey Payne. How'd ya sleep last night? (sarcastic) Did you and Kaufman behave?  
  
(The others chuckle.)  
  
Max: Well, if you must know, I slept perfectly fine. And Kaufman and I played dominoes a lot before bed. (pause) Still didn't win, though.  
  
Kaufman: Better luck next time.  
  
Annie: So, how are we gonna get everything ready for the party tonight?  
  
Vinnie: I gotta go by the restaurant around six. That's when A.J. goes in. It may be kinda late by the time I get her here... well, if I get her to come with me.  
  
Mona: Okay. Let's see... Let's have Kaufman and Annie clean the place. There shouldn't be that much to clean, though, since we cleaned it for you and Lisa's arrival.  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
Mona: Vinnie, you and Mike can handle the drinks. You guys should be done well before six, so you can go by the restaurant, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Okay.  
  
Mona: Max, you and I can go pick out the music.  
  
Max: Okay.  
  
Mona: Let's try to get a little of everything so there'll be something for all the guests.  
  
Max: Sure, Mona. I'll make sure all the pegs fit into the proverbial holes.  
  
Mona: Lisa... I think I'm gonna have you pick up some other little knick- knacks. Y'know, sodas, snacks, plates, cups, et cetera. If you can think of anything else that might be a good idea, then pick that up too.  
  
Lisa: Okay.  
  
Vinnie: We probably better get to work if we're gonna have everything ready by tonight.  
  
(We see Annie and Kaufman getting all the stuff out to clean the house. Meanwhile, Vinnie and Mike take out a limo, Max and Mona take a separate limo, and Lisa takes out a limo. We follow Vinnie and Mike to a nearby liquor store, and we see them exit the limo and enter the store.)  
  
Vinnie: So, Mike, whaddya think we should get?  
  
Mike: We should get a keg. Coors.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, good idea, but we'll need to get that from a bar or a distributor.  
  
Mike: Oh, okay.  
  
Vinnie: But we can get some other stuff here. (sees the wine section) Hey, let's get a couple of bottles of wine. Y'know, for the ladies.  
  
Mike: Good idea.  
  
(Vinnie grabs a couple of bottles of wine, a red and a white, and puts them in the cart.)  
  
Vinnie: What else do ya think we should get?  
  
Mike: Let's get vodka.  
  
Vinnie: (under his breath) Naturally.  
  
Mike: What?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, nuttin'.  
  
Mike: Let's get some whiskey, too.  
  
Vinnie: Oh yeah, good idea. Get some 'seven. That stuff's the best.  
  
(Vinnie and Mike put vodka, whiskey, and some other stuff in their cart. Meanwhile, Max and Mona are shopping at a local CD store, picking out music.)  
  
Mona: So Max, what do you think we should get?  
  
Max: Like I've said before, I'm as open as a revolving door.  
  
Mona: Hey, "Hip Hop Jamz '04." Let's get that.  
  
Max: Sure, Mona. Hey, look. They have that "Legends of Classic Rock" CD. I've been wanting that for as long as I've drawn breath.  
  
Mona: Hey, what better time to get it than now, for our party?  
  
(Max adds the CD to the shopping basket.)  
  
Max: Maybe we should get some Country music. Y'know, for Mike.  
  
Mona: Nah. Chances are anything in here he's got already. We could just let him play his own CDs for the party. I'm sure he'd be happy to.  
  
Max: Oh, okay. Hey, look at this. "Hits of the 80s." It's a 2-CD set.  
  
Mona: Yeah, that'd be a good one. People like that old stuff. Hey look, they got some jazz CDs over here. Let's get some of those.  
  
(Max and Mona continue to shop, adding CD after CD of various genres of music. We see Lisa meanwhile shopping at the grocery store, getting various types of sodas, chips, salsa, disposable silverware, etc. We then follow her to the mall, where she picks up some various games, cards, etc.)  
  
(The house, late afternoon)  
  
(Annie and Kaufman are finishing up the cleaning as Max and Mona arrive.)  
  
Annie: Oh, hey yaw. How'd it go?  
  
Mona: Pretty good.  
  
Max: There won't be a savage beast here tonight that won't be charmed with what we've got in store. Except for the country music lovers. We figured that we'd just borrow Mike's CDs for that.  
  
Annie: Oh... A'right. I'll ask Mike. I'm sure he won't mind.  
  
Mona: Have Vinnie and Mike gotten back yet?  
  
Kaufman: No.  
  
Annie: They went to the liquor store to get the other drinks first. They gettin' a keg for the beer.  
  
Max: Hmm, they probably went by a distributor for it.  
  
Mona: Hey, the house looks nice.  
  
Annie: Well, thanks. Kaufman seems to really know his stuff.  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.  
  
Annie: (confessional) Yeah, Kaufman knows his stuff, but he got a little bossy toward me while we was cleaning. He was all tellin' me what to use, what to scrub, how to scrub, what to buff... It drove me nuts. Of course, he makes a darn good living doin' this, so I guess who am I to question him?  
  
(Vinnie and Mike return, carrying boxes full of liquor.)  
  
Mike: Howdy, folks.  
  
Annie: What's up, guys?  
  
Vinnie: We got all the liquor except for the beer. We got a keg from Coors, and they're gonna deliver it at around seven. I might not be here for it, so one of yas is gonna hafta take the delivery.  
  
Mona: Oh, that won't be a problem.  
  
Annie: Oh, Mike, Max and Mona got a bunch of other tunes for tonight, but were wondering if you could supply the Country music.  
  
Mike: Sure. No problem. Happy to.  
  
Mona: Thanks, Mike. We appreciate it.  
  
(Lisa gets home. She is carrying a box full of grocery bags, plus a small bag full of goodies.)  
  
Annie: Hey Lisa. What'd you get?  
  
Lisa: I got some sodas, chips, salsa, and utensils. I also went to the mall and got some other fun stuff.  
  
(Lisa empties out the bag of goodies. Among the games and other various items is a deck of tarot cards.)  
  
Max: Tarot cards?  
  
Lisa: Oh yeah. Those always go over well at parties.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention – my sister's a bit of a witch. But not the cook-someone-in-a-stew type of witch. She just does the tarot card stuff, and an occasional spell now and then. I say let her have it – what else does she have?  
  
Vinnie: What are ya, a witch or somethin'?  
  
Lisa: Excuse me, I'm a Wiccan. Witches fly around on broomsticks with monkeys. I practice Wicca.  
  
Vinnie: Uhhh... Okay.  
  
Max: We should probably start phoning the guests.  
  
Vinnie: Oh yeah. I gotta go fix myself up a bit, then I'm gonna head over to the restaurant to see A.J. I'll call some friends on the way.  
  
Mona: Okay. I'll help put the stuff away. Annie, can you help me?  
  
Annie: Sure, Mona.  
  
(We see Max go into the kitchen to use the phone. Meanwhile, Mike, Lisa, and Kaufman take out their cell phones and start calling people. Vinnie, meanwhile, goes upstairs to his room. He changes into a pair of Dockers and a green, white, and red shirt. He splashes on some cologne and fixes his hair a bit. He then returns downstairs, where the others are still talking on the phones.)  
  
Vinnie: I'm off to the restaurant. See ya later.  
  
Mona: Bye, Vinnie.  
  
Max: Good luck, Vinnie.  
  
(Casa di Angelo, Brooklyn, around six)  
  
(Vinnie strolls into the restaurant and goes right up to Fats, the maitre D'.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey Fats.  
  
Fats: Hey Vinnie. You, ah, here for your "appointment?"  
  
Vinnie: Yeah.  
  
Fats: Yeah, Angelo told me about it.  
  
Vinnie: Is he here?  
  
Fats: No, he went home for the evening. But he left me in charge of it, so right this way.  
  
(Fats leads Vinnie through the restaurant and seats him at a small table. He leaves a menu with him. After a few moments, A.J. shows up.)  
  
A.J.: Can I help... Hey, you look really familiar.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, it's me, Vinnie. I was in here with a date the other night, and you were our waitress.  
  
A.J.: Oh yeah, I remember now! If I recall, it didn't turn out too good.  
  
Vinnie: No, it didn't. But that's okay.  
  
A.J.: So what can I get you?  
  
Vinnie: I think I'm just gonna have coffee for now.  
  
A.J.: Okay. Be right back. (leaves)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) I'm gonna wait until A.J. gets back with the coffee to ask her to the party. That should be about the right moment, when she's at ease.  
  
(A.J. returns with the coffee.)  
  
A.J.: There you go, sir. Are you sure there's nothing else I can get for you?  
  
Vinnie: (with a bit of a "here-goes" look on his face that slips by unnoticed) Ahhh, actually there is. Uh... what time do you get off work?  
  
A.J.: Excuse me?  
  
Vinnie: Your shift. What time is it over?  
  
A.J.: Uhh, ten. Why?  
  
Vinnie: Well, there's this party I'm goin' to, and I was wondering if you'd like to go with me.  
  
A.J.: Oh... uhh, I don't know...  
  
Vinnie: It'll be fun. Really. Most of the people that'll be there are friends of mine. There'll be dancing there. You like to dance, don't ya?  
  
A.J.: Well, yeah, but...  
  
Vinnie: C'mon. Whaddya got to lose, except maybe a couple hours of your time?  
  
A.J.: Well (thinking)... Okay.  
  
Vinnie: (eyes lit up) All right. Great. I'll pick ya up out front around ten, then.  
  
A.J.: (smiling) Okay.  
  
Vinnie: Great. See ya then.  
  
A.J.: Oh, what about your coffee?  
  
Vinnie: Ahhh, I'll just take it with me.  
  
A.J.: Okay.  
  
(A.J. disappears with the coffee, then returns with it in a covered plastic cup. She hands it to Vinnie, who then pays for it, along with a tip for A.J.)  
  
Vinnie: See ya at ten.  
  
A.J.: Okay. Bye. (waves, smiling at him)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) All right!! She said yes! I told ya the ol' Gognitti charm was gonna work. I'm gonna show her the best time she's ever had.  
  
(We see Vinnie strolling out of the restaurant. As he passes by Fats...)  
  
Fats: Hey Vinnie. Did your "appointment" go well?  
  
Vinnie: Yep. Sure did. We're goin' to a house party. Say... ya wanna come too? And maybe bring some of the other guys with ya?  
  
Fats: Sure, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: All right. Here.  
  
(Vinnie takes a piece of paper from the front desk and writes down directions to the house, and a couple of phone numbers. He then hands it to Fats.)  
  
Fats: Thanks Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: No problem. I may not be there when you arrive, seein' as how I'm takin' A.J. with me, but you guys'll see me there.  
  
Fats: Sure. I understand.  
  
Vinnie: Well, see you guys then. (leaves)  
  
(The house, around seven)  
  
(We see the gang putting the finishing touches on preparing the house for the party. Vinnie soon enters.)  
  
Mike: Hey there, Vinnie. What's up?  
  
Vinnie: Hey guys. How are ya?  
  
Lisa: How did it go, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Great. She said yes.  
  
Max: All right! Way to go, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Thanks, Payne. I'm pickin' her up at the restaurant at ten. She's probably gonna wanna change clothes, so we may not be here until after eleven. You know how women are – no offense, ladies.  
  
Mona: Gee, thanks Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: I also invited some other friends of mine to come over.  
  
Max: Sure, that'll be fine.  
  
Mike: Hey Vinnie, the keg came while you were gone.  
  
Vinnie: Oh yeah? That's good.  
  
Mike: It's in the kitchen.  
  
Vinnie: Let's wait until the first guests show up before we tap it.  
  
Max: Good idea.  
  
(The house, about two hours later)  
  
(We see the house packed full of guests. In one area we see guys in light blue jumpsuits – the cleaners from MP2. In another area we see some men and women dressed casually, some wearing NYPD and DEA jackets – Max's cop buddies from both games. In another we see guys in heavy coats and other winter wear – these are the Russians from MP2. And in still one other area we see Fats, with Angelo and two other men, one with a buzz cut wearing a black leather jacket, and the other a thin guy with curly hair and a medium blue jacket. These are the mobsters from MP2. We see the gang mingling with all of them, except for Vinnie, who has left to pick up A.J. D12's "My Band" is playing on the stereo.)  
  
Annie: So Mike, you havin' fun?  
  
Mike: Yes, I like it a lot. How 'bout you?  
  
Annie: It's great.  
  
Mike: (to the other Russians) You guys having a good time?  
  
Russian #1: It's great. Thanks for inviting us.  
  
Russian #2: Hey Mike, do you still have your CD collection?  
  
Mike: Yes. We can listen to it later. Annie likes it too.  
  
Annie: That's right. Some of that Country music Mike has is pretty tight.  
  
Russian #3: He heard it once by accident while he was adjusting the stereo while we were helping build the restaurant, and he's been hooked ever since.  
  
Annie: No kiddin'.  
  
Mike: Right. It makes the work day so much easier.  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Lisa: (to Fats and the other wiseguys, with Angelo beside her) So, you guys' having fun?  
  
Fats: Yeah, we are.  
  
Wiseguy #1 (the buzz-cut guy): If you see Vinnie before we do, tell him thanks for invitin' us.  
  
Wiseguy #2 (the blue-coat guy): Yeah, he's on his way to get A.J.  
  
Angelo: Hey, so Vinnie got that date with her.  
  
Lisa: You knew?  
  
Angelo: Yeah, Vinnie called me and asked if A.J. was available beforehand. Smart guy, that Vinnie. I've always said. Too bad he sells used cars – he has the brains to run both my businesses when I retire.  
  
(Meanwhile, we see Max and Mona talking with the NYPD and DEA guys.)  
  
NYPD #1: So Payne, you gonna come back to work as soon as the show's over?  
  
Max: Yep. I'll be back front row center for the bigger show that is... my life.  
  
NYPD #2: You and your metaphors, Max. How do you put up with this guy, Mona?  
  
Mona: Oh, it's not so bad. He's a real sweet guy.  
  
DEA #1: Awwww, isn't that cute? (the rest of the "cop" group snickers)  
  
Max: Yeah, real funny, guys.  
  
(Meanwhile, Kaufman is socializing with the cleaners.)  
  
Cleaner #1: Thanks for inviting us out here, Kaufman.  
  
Cleaner #2: Yeah, it's great out here, boss.  
  
Kaufman: My pleasure.  
  
(We hear a knock at the door. Max goes to answer it. He opens the door to reveal... Alex Balder, Max's former DEA partner from MP1.)  
  
Max: Alex!  
  
Alex: Max!  
  
Max: Come on in, buddy. I ain't seen you in ages.  
  
Alex: Likewise. How you been?  
  
Max: Good. How's the DEA treating you?  
  
Alex: Oh, great as always. Why did you ever leave?  
  
Max: Well, you know. Didn't care too much for the whole working undercover bit. It was starting to get to me like a chisel through sheet rock.  
  
Alex: Right.  
  
Mona: Hey Max, who's your friend?  
  
Max: Oh, this is Alex Balder, my friend and former partner. Alex, this is Mona Sax.  
  
Mona: Hi. Nice to meet you.  
  
Alex: Nice to meet you too.  
  
(We hear another knock at the door. Mona goes to answer it this time. She pulls back the door to reveal – Vladimir and Winterson! Vladimir is dressed more casually – a little bit more back woodsy. Winterson's belly is a little bigger than the last time we saw her.)  
  
Mona: Vlad! Winterson!  
  
Vladimir: (smiling) Hello, Mona.  
  
Winterson: Hey there, Mona.  
  
Mona: Well, don't just stand there, you two. Come in. Everyone's dying to see you.  
  
(Vladimir and Winterson follow Mona inside.)  
  
Mona: Hey gang! Look who's here!  
  
Max: Vlad! Winterson!  
  
Annie: What's up, guys?  
  
Winterson: Not much.  
  
Kaufman: (walking over to the two) Hello.  
  
Vladimir: Kaufman. Talkative as always, I see.  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.  
  
Mona: My, your belly's getting big.  
  
Winterson: Uh-huh. The little baby's growing like a weed.  
  
Max: So Vlad, how's life in the country?  
  
Vladimir: Oh, it's great. The air is so clean. Winterson's parents have chickens, so we get fresh eggs every morning. And they have cows, so we get fresh milk too.  
  
Mike: Hey Vladimir. I miss you, buddy.  
  
Vladimir: Thanks, Mike. Me too.  
  
Mona: (Gesturing to Vladimir's farmer-type clothes) So what's with the change of clothes?  
  
Vladimir: Oh, I help out with the chores on the farm. This is what I wear. Y'know... don't want to get the old linen suit dirty.  
  
Winterson: Vlad loves the new clothes. He says they're comfy.  
  
Vladimir: Ummm, yes. You're right, honey.  
  
Winterson: (pointing to Lisa) Hey, who's that girl over there? She looks just like you, Mona.  
  
Mona: Oh, that's my twin sister, Lisa. (to Lisa) Hey Lisa!! Come over here!!  
  
(Lisa says something to Angelo and the other wiseguys, then walks over to the rest of the group.)  
  
Lisa: Yes, Mona?  
  
Mona: Lisa, this is Vladimir Lem and Valerie Winterson. They're the two people that you and Kaufman replaced.  
  
Lisa: Oh, the ones that got... "married." (tries to hide a snicker)  
  
Max: Right. Those are the ones.  
  
Vladimir: Pleased to meet you. (kisses her hand)  
  
Lisa: (smiling) Mmmm, likewise.  
  
Lisa: (confessional) Wow, what a charmer that Vlad is. If I wasn't married...  
  
(Winterson thumps Vladimir.)  
  
Vladimir: What? I'm just being charming. I can't help it.  
  
Winterson: Vlad, don't make me call my father again.  
  
Vladimir: Okay, okay. I'll behave.  
  
Winterson: So where's Vinnie? Is he here?  
  
Max: Not yet. He's bringing a date, and he's picking her up from work.  
  
Vladimir: Hey, good for him.  
  
(Casa di Angelo, Brooklyn, around ten)  
  
(We see a limo pull up in front of the restaurant, with Vinnie in the back. He waits for about 15 minutes. A.J. finally shows up out front. She is out of her work clothes, made-up, wearing a short skirt, hose, and a pink sweater. Her hair is more ruffled, and she is wearing heels. She looks very cute. Vinnie's eyes light up. The limo driver gets out and holds open the door for A.J., who promptly gets in.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey, A.J. Wow, you look great tonight.  
  
A.J.: Thanks, Vinnie. You do too. Wow, nice limo. You must be loaded.  
  
Vinnie: Well, not really. It's the network's.  
  
A.J.: Come again?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, didn't you know? I'm on that show "The Real World." You ever watch it?  
  
A.J.: Well, not for a long time.  
  
Vinnie: Oh. Well, MTV provides the limos.  
  
A.J.: Wow. That's cool.  
  
Vinnie: Well, we better get goin' while there's still partying left.  
  
A.J.: Okay.  
  
(Vinnie signals the driver to take them to the party. The driver promptly obeys.)  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on our next episode... How will A.J. react to the party, and the rest of the group?... The gang finds out a secret about Kaufman... and the guys going for the full Monty? Stay tuned for more, on "The Real World"...  
  
Okay, this was getting a little long, so I had to cut it off. Don't worry, though, we'll cover more of the party next time. And as always, PLEASE R&R. I love getting those. 


	15. Episode XII

Disclaimers: As usual, don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do. Oh, and FOX owns American Idol and all those involved with it.  
  
This is all make-believe, not real.  
  
Without further adieu, allow me to present episode XII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
(We hear the party still going on in the background)  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of... 200 strangers (giggles)...  
  
MTV Director: Knock it off, Mona.  
  
Mona: (sighs) Sorry. Of seven strangers...  
  
Annie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Mike: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Lisa: when people stop being polite...  
  
Kaufman: and start being real...  
  
All: The Real World: New York  
  
(The house, Manhattan, evening)  
  
(We see the party continuing, just as we'd left it. Garth Brooks' "Friends in Low Places" is currently playing on the stereo – one of Mike's CDs. Some of the guests, including Mike and Annie, are two-stepping to it, and some are watching, either laughing or frowning. Vlad and Winterson are dancing as much as Winterson's pregnancy will let them, Max and Mona are watching. Lisa and Kaufman are mingling, and Vinnie is still out, on his way to the house with A.J. Alex is chatting with a few of the people from the "cop" group.)  
  
Max: So Mona, what CD should we put on next? Any ideas?  
  
Mona: How about that 80s CD you got?  
  
Max: Yeah, that'll work. (to Alex) Yo, Alex!  
  
Alex: (from the other side of the room) What's up, Max?  
  
Max: Pop this in the CD player when this song's over, will ya? (tosses the CD to him)  
  
Alex: Sure Max, no problem.  
  
(We hear a knock at the door)  
  
Max: I'll get it.  
  
(Max opens the door to reveal... Jim Bravura.)  
  
Max: Bravura? Wow, didn't think you'd show up. This is like your dog suddenly speaking French.  
  
Bravura: You invited me, Payne.  
  
Max: Well... yeah. Come on in.  
  
(Bravura follows Max in. He is a bit taken aback at the noise, and at the amount of people in attendance.)  
  
Bravura: What is this? I thought this was just gonna be a little get together.  
  
Max: It is.  
  
Bravura: But look, all these people getting drunk, dancing, rubbing up against each other, dry-humping... this is unacceptable.  
  
Max: Oh, lighten up, Jim. Have a beer.  
  
Bravura: Payne, you know I quit drinking.  
  
Max: Okay then, have a soda. And here, I'll introduce you to some of my friends.  
  
(Max gets Bravura a soda, then takes him around to meet some of the gang, among others.)  
  
(Meanwhile, in the limo...)  
  
(We see Vinnie and A.J., riding in the back, still on their way to the party. They are chatting.)  
  
Vinnie: So A.J., what do ya like to do when you're not working at the restaurant?  
  
A.J.: Well, I'm studying to be a graphic web designer, and in my spare time, I make web pages.  
  
Vinnie: Really? What kind of web pages?  
  
A.J.: Various kinds. I made one recently showcasing various collectibles. It came out pretty good.  
  
Vinnie: Oh. That's pretty sweet.  
  
A.J.: You never did tell me, what do you do?  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, I sell used cars... for a living. But in my spare time, I collect Captain Baseball Bat Boy stuff.  
  
A.J.: Really? I love that stuff.  
  
Vinnie: No kiddin'! Well, I'm gonna eventually sell my stuff online and make a fortune. Say... maybe you could make a website showcasing my collection.  
  
A.J.: Sure. That'd be okay.  
  
(By now the limo is pulling up beside the house.)  
  
Vinnie: We're here.  
  
(The limo driver parks the car, then gets out and holds open the rear door. A.J. gets out first, followed by Vinnie. As the limo driver shuts the door, Vinnie walks with A.J. up to the front door and opens it for her. The two enter.)  
  
Vinnie: I'm back, guys.  
  
Max: Hey, Vinnie!  
  
(The gang goes over to see him and A.J., as well as Angelo and some of the "wiseguys." Vladimir and Winterson also go over.)  
  
Mona: So, this must be A.J.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, it is. A.J., meet Mona, Max Payne, Mike, Annie, Kaufman, Vladimir, and Winterson. You may or may not know Lisa here. She's Mona's twin sister, and Angelo's wife.  
  
A.J.: Oh yeah, I've heard Angelo talk about you. Well, nice to meet all of you.  
  
Vinnie: Whaddya want to drink, A.J.? We got beer, wine, sodas, you name it.  
  
A.J.: I think I'll have a beer.  
  
Vinnie: Okay. I'll go get it for ya. Don't let her get bored, guys.  
  
Fats: Sure, Vinnie.  
  
(Vinnie leaves to go get drinks for himself and A.J. Meanwhile, the others talk to A.J.)  
  
Max: So A.J., you work at Casa di Angelo, huh?  
  
A.J.: Uh huh. I guess Vinnie told you.  
  
Max: Right. To paraphrase, he met you there like moss meets a stone.  
  
A.J.: Uhhh... okay.  
  
Mike: What else do you do?  
  
A.J.: I'm a graphic web designer. Eventually I'm gonna do that full time.  
  
Annie: Hey, that's pretty trippin'.  
  
(Vinnie comes back with two beers. He promptly gives one to A.J.)  
  
A.J.: Thank you, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: My pleasure, A.J.  
  
(Later...)  
  
(We see everyone dancing in the living room. The Human League's "Don't You Want Me" is currently playing, and everyone is loving it. We then see Vinnie and A.J. dancing together.)  
  
Vinnie: So A.J., ya havin' a good time?  
  
A.J.: (smiling a bit nervously) Uhh, it's okay.  
  
Vinnie: What's the matter?  
  
A.J.: Uhh, nothing.  
  
Vinnie: Ya wanna go someplace a little quieter?  
  
A.J.: Yeah, okay.  
  
(Vinnie leads A.J. upstairs. They try first to go into his, Annie, and Mike's room, but the door is closed, and locked. Vinnie is a bit taken aback by this, so he knocks.)  
  
Guy's voice: (from behind door) Go away!  
  
Vinnie: Hey, moron! This is my room!  
  
Girl's voice: Ahh, c'mon! Just give us five minutes!  
  
Vinnie: (sighing) All right. (to A.J.) C'mon, let's go into Payne and Kaufman's room.  
  
(Max and Kaufman's room is open, so Vinnie and A.J. go in. They close the door, but do not lock it. They both sit together on Max's bed.)  
  
Vinnie: So what's the matter? You not havin' fun here?  
  
A.J.: Oh, it's okay. And your friends seem nice. It just seems a bit much... for a first date. I mean, I kinda pictured something a little quieter.  
  
Vinnie: Okay, we can leave. We can go someplace quieter. Or we could just... sit here and talk. I'll lock the door so no one will bother us.  
  
A.J.: No no no! I mean, uh, that's okay. Let's just leave it closed. It'll be fine.  
  
Vinnie: Oh... okay.  
  
(Vinnie notices that there is a laptop computer on Max's nightstand.)  
  
Vinnie: Heyy, Payne has a laptop. I wonder if it has net access. Maybe you could show me some of your websites you designed. I don't think Payne'll mind.  
  
A.J.: Okay, sure.  
  
(Vinnie opens up the laptop and boots it up. He then opens up Internet Explorer, but a login window pops up.)  
  
Vinnie: I shoulda known.  
  
A.J.: Won't Max log you in?  
  
Vinnie: I dunno. I'll ask him.  
  
(Vinnie disappears downstairs, and comes back up a few minutes later with Max. Max goes to his laptop and logs in.)  
  
Vinnie: Thanks Payne. We won't be on long.  
  
Max: That's okay. Just no porn, capiche? I need that on my computer about as much as a desert iguana needs a sauna.  
  
Vinnie: First of all, Payne, never say "capiche" again, cause it hurts people's ears when you do it. Second of all, don't insult my intelligence. I got A.J. here.  
  
Max: Okay. Sorry, Vinnie. Didn't mean anything by it.  
  
(Max leaves, and Vinnie closes the door behind him.)  
  
Vinnie: Sorry about that A.J. He's not the most tactful of guys. But he's okay otherwise.  
  
A.J.: It's okay, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: So, let's see that stuff.  
  
(A.J. takes the laptop and types in various URLs. The two sit looking at her stuff. Vinnie is quite impressed.)  
  
Vinnie: Heyy, this is some good stuff y'got here. I liked that graphic novel site especially... that Sadie's somethin' else.  
  
A.J.: (smiling) Thanks, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, I'm definitely gonna hit you up to help set up my site showcasing my stuff. I'd show it to ya now, but those two clowns decided to take up residence in my room... probably on my bed too. Sheesh!  
  
A.J.: It's okay. You can show me some other time.  
  
Vinnie: Some other time, eh?  
  
A.J.: Uh-huh.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Hey, she said "some other time." That means she'll be open to a second date. I'm tellin' ya, things are starting to come together quite nicely.  
  
Vinnie: Well, we probably better log off. I did promise Payne that we wouldn't be on long.  
  
A.J.: Okay.  
  
(A.J. logs off and turns off the laptop. Vinnie takes it and puts it back on Max's nightstand. As he turns around, he notices a black rectangular object sticking out from in between Kaufman's mattresses.)  
  
Vinnie: Hey, what's that?  
  
A.J.: What's what?  
  
Vinnie: There's something stickin' outta Kaufman's mattress.  
  
(A.J. looks and notices it.)  
  
A.J.: Hey, so there is.  
  
(Vinnie pulls out the object. It is a videotape. The label says "Kaufman: A.I.")  
  
Vinnie: (reading) "Kaufman: A.I." What could that be? Let's watch it.  
  
A.J.: Okay.  
  
(Vinnie pops the tape into a small TV/VCR that happens to be on Kaufman's nightstand. He rewinds it, and then plays the tape.)  
  
Voice on tape (Ryan Seacrest): Welcome back to American Idol. Our next contestant is a cleaner by day and a cover singer by night. So let's all give it up for... Kaufman.  
  
(We see on the TV the stage lights come on to reveal Kaufman. He begins to sing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling.")  
  
Kaufman: (on TV, singing) First when there's nothing but a slow glowing dream that your fear seems to hide deep inside your mind. All alone I have cried silent tears full of pride in a world made of steel, made of stone.  
  
well I hear the music close my eyes feel the rhythm wrap around take a hold of my heart  
  
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.  
  
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life.  
  
(We see Kaufman dancing and twirling around while singing. Vinnie and A.J. are laughing their asses off at the sight.)  
  
A.J.: This is Kaufman!? That quiet guy!?  
  
Vinnie: I never woulda guessed in a million years.  
  
Kaufman: (on TV, still singing) Now I hear the music, close my eyes, I am rhythm. In a flash it takes hold of my heart.  
  
What a feeling. Bein's believin'. I can have it all, now I'm dancing for my life.  
  
Take your passion and make it happen. Pictures come alive, now I'm dancing through my life. What a feeling.  
  
(During the bridge part of the song, we see Kaufman, hands in the air, twirling around all over the stage. He continues dancing in place while eyeballing Paula Abdul. We see her blush a bit.)  
  
Kaufman: (still singing on TV) What a feeling I AM MUSIC NOW Bein's believin'. I AM RHYTHM NOW Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life. What a feeling. I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL What a feeling. PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL I can have it all I CAN REALLY HAVE IT ALL Have it all PICTURES COME ALIVE WHEN I CALL CALL CALL CALL CALL WHAT A FEELING I can have it all BEIN'S BELIEVIN Bein's believin' TAKE YOUR PASSION MAKE IT HAPPEN make it happen WHAT A FEELING what a feeling BEIN'S BELIEVIN'  
  
(We see Kaufman finish his song, then exit the stage. Vinnie and A.J. are still laughing their asses off.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional, laughing) Oh my god! What the f(bleep)k was that? That had to be the most hilarious thing I've ever seen. I'm showin' this to the rest of the crew. They gotta see this!  
  
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) That was Kaufman, performing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling." Now let's hear from the judges...  
  
(We see Kaufman standing on the stage, listening as the judges critique his performance.)  
  
Paula Abdul: (TV) Kaufman, those dance moves that you did were nice... but they just didn't... stand out. You should probably come up with some moves of your own, otherwise you're just gonna look like your imitating someone else. You've got a good voice, though, and it seems you have all the tools to be a good showman.  
  
Kaufman: (TV) Thanks, Paula.  
  
Randy Jackson: (TV) I'm with Paula. If you could just work on those dance moves – liven 'em up a bit – I think you might have a good shot.  
  
Simon Cowell: (TV) You do have a good voice, Kaufman... for scaring away wild animals. If you did away with your dance moves, your voice, your looks... everything about yourself, then maybe you could make it. But I still doubt it.  
  
Kaufman: (TV, under his breath) Assh(bleep)le.  
  
Simon Cowell: (TV) Pardon?  
  
Kaufman: (TV) I said I'll try.  
  
Simon: (TV) Oh, alright.  
  
Ryan Seacrest: (TV) Once again, that was Kaufman. Next up we have...  
  
(The tape ends. Vinnie and A.J. are giggling. Kaufman momentarily enters.)  
  
Kaufman: You guys coming back down?  
  
(Vinnie and A.J. are desperately trying to contain their laughter.)  
  
Vinnie: Sure, in a minute.  
  
Kaufman: What's so funny?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, nothing. Just... don't sing around animals.  
  
(Vinnie and A.J. bust out laughing again. Kaufman then notices the tape rewinding. His eyes nearly triple in size. He leaps over to the TV/VCR and ejects the tape. Sure enough, he sees that it is his "American Idol" tape.)  
  
Kaufman: (shocked) Where did you get this!?  
  
A.J.: Vinnie found it sticking out from under your mattress.  
  
Kaufman: Has anyone else seen this!? Answer me!  
  
Vinnie: Geez, Kaufman, mellow out. Just me and A.J., as far as I know.  
  
Kaufman: Please don't tell anyone about this. Pleeeeeease.  
  
Vinnie: Aw, come on. It was good. (snickers again)  
  
Kaufman: You're laughing.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, I-I-I-I-I'm sorry. It's not funny... (snickers yet again) Well, okay, it's a little funny. I mean, I never woulda pictured you doin' this.  
  
Kaufman: Vinnie, please. I'm begging you.  
  
Vinnie: Well... all right. But I'm gonna look on this as a favor I did for ya, and I'm gonna expect a favor in return.  
  
Kaufman: (returns to his blank expressionless face) Okay.  
  
Vinnie: I'll let ya know when and where you can repay me.  
  
Kaufman: Thank you. (leaves)  
  
Vinnie: C'mon A.J. Let's go hang out downstairs with the gang. That okay?  
  
A.J.: Sure Vinnie.  
  
(Vinnie and A.J. head downstairs.)  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up... can Vinnie keep Kaufman's secret? Or will he? And what about the guys and the full Monty? Stay tuned for more, on "The Real World..."  
  
Okay, this was getting a bit long, so sorry I couldn't cover the full Monty thing, but I'll cover it next episode (or is that, uncover it? LOL) Anyway, please R&R as usual. 


	16. Episode XIII

Disclaimers: Okay, once again, I don't own this stuff. Rockstar owns Max Payne, MTV owns the Real World, Channel Four Films and Redwave Films own The Full Monty.  
  
This is fiction, not fact.  
  
Okay, sorry it took so long, but here it is. Episode XIII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Mike: picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...  
  
Lisa: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(The house, next morning)  
  
(We see lots of empty liquor bottles, plates, cups, and other trash scattered about the place. It is the morning after the party, but there are still a few guests scattered around, sleeping/passed out. Max and Mona come down momentarily.)  
  
Mona: Good grief, there are still guests here.  
  
Max: Yes, it looks like they've worn out their welcome like a cheap pair of sneakers.  
  
(They go over and wake the sleeping guests.)  
  
Max: Hey, buddy. Sorry, but you need to leave. We've gotta get this place cleaner than a newly opened hospital ward.  
  
Guest: (hung over) Mmmm, okay.  
  
(Guest leaves, followed by the other guests. Soon after that, Alex comes down, hand in hand with a female guest, scantily-clad.)  
  
Alex: Hey Max. I guess we both fell asleep.  
  
Max: I'll say. You must've had some night.  
  
Alex: (looking at the girl, smiling) Yep, sure did.  
  
Mona: (sarcastically) Did you two behave?  
  
Female Guest: Get real!  
  
Mona: (a bit taken aback) Okay.  
  
Alex: Uhh, we should probably go, babe. I think Max and the gang wanna get this place cleaned up. C'mon, I'll take ya out for breakfast.  
  
Female Guest: Okay.  
  
Alex: See ya later, Max. Oh, and it was nice meeting you, Mona.  
  
Max: Thanks for coming. If you wanna hang out with us again, just let me know.  
  
Mona: Yeah, we'd love to have you.  
  
Alex: Thanks. (to Female Guest) Let's go.  
  
(Alex and the Female Guest leave.)  
  
Mona: So Max, how come Vlad and Winterson left so early?  
  
Max: Vlad told me that he had to get up early this morning. Something about the chickens. You ask me, Winterson probably tugged at him like a hen at a worm.  
  
(Mike and Annie come down.)  
  
Mona: Hey guys. Did you have fun last night?  
  
Annie: Uh-huh. Mike was quite the two-stepper, as always.  
  
Mike: Great party. We have fun. I loved seeing my friends again.  
  
Max: Well, we'd better get started cleaning this place up.  
  
(As the four begin going around picking up the trash, Vinnie comes down, looking pretty happy, although a bit groggy.)  
  
Max: Hey there Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Payne. Hey guys.  
  
Mona: Did you get A.J. home okay?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, everything went well.  
  
Annie: That A.J. seems real nice.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, she is. In fact, I'm seein' her again next Thursday.  
  
Mike: Heyy, that's great Vinnie.  
  
Max: Glad to hear it.  
  
Vinnie: Are the four of yas cleanin' up?  
  
Max: Yeah. Can you help, Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Sure, Payne.  
  
(Vinnie joins the group cleaning up the place. Soon Lisa comes down.)  
  
Lisa: What's up?  
  
Mona: Hey sis. Did you have fun last night?  
  
Lisa: Uh-huh. So did my husband.  
  
Max: That's good.  
  
Annie: Can you help us clean the place up?  
  
Lisa: Yeah, okay.  
  
(Lisa joins in. Finally, Kaufman comes down. The rest of the gang sees him, and Vinnie hides a snicker.)  
  
Lisa: Oh, hey Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: Hello.  
  
Annie: Was that you dancin' last night? You were dancin' pretty good.  
  
Kaufman: Thanks.  
  
Max: Who was that girl that was dancing with you? She was cute – a vixen finding her mate amidst a forest full of hounds.  
  
Kaufman: Candy, I think. I'm not sure.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, now that you're here, can you help us get this place cleaned up?  
  
Kaufman: Okay.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) I hope Vinnie didn't forget about his promise and tell everyone about the tape.  
  
(The gang continues to clean. They throw out the trash, vacuum, dust, and polish. Soon the house is spic-and-span.)  
  
Mona: Well, that wasn't too hard.  
  
Max: I'm surprised no furniture got broken, as many people as we had here.  
  
(A little later...)  
  
(We see the gang lounging around relaxing. Mike and Annie are watching TV, Mona and Lisa are practicing Tai-Chi together, Max and Kaufman are playing dominoes, and Vinnie is on the phone, talking to A.J.)  
  
Kaufman: Ten. I win.  
  
Max: Damn! Someday, Kaufman. Someday.  
  
(The two start another game. Meanwhile...)  
  
Vinnie: (on phone) So A.J., did ya have fun last night... Good, me too... I can't wait to see ya Thursday...  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Mona: No, Lisa, BIG circle. BIG circle... That's good. Now, FEEL that chi power flow... Good...  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Mike: Hey, Dukes of Hazard is a good show, yes?  
  
Annie: It ain't bad. Those Duke boys are pretty trippin'.  
  
Mike: Yes, they are real rugged outlaws.  
  
(Annie giggles a bit. Soon Vinnie comes back into the living room.)  
  
Annie: Hey, Vinnie.  
  
Vinnie: Hey guys.  
  
Max: So Vinnie, did you have a good talk with A.J.?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, Payne, I did. (sees the dominoes on the table) Playin' dominoes again. Why ain't I surprised?  
  
Max: I'm gonna keep playing like a bull terrier until I beat Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) This is getting boring, but Max keeps insisting on playing me.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) Man, all Payne ever does is play that damn domino game. It's getting annoying, all that slapping down on the table and s(bleep)t. Hey... I got an idea. Kaufman owes me a favor for keepin' my mouth shut about the tape. Hmmm...  
  
Vinnie: Hey Kaufman, when you get a chance, can I talk to ya for a sec.  
  
Kaufman: Okay. (slaps down a domino) Ten. I win.  
  
Max: Shoot.  
  
(Kaufman gets up and follows Vinnie into the kitchen.)  
  
Vinnie: (whispering) Kaufman, do you remember how I kept my mouth shut about the tape?  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.  
  
Vinnie: And you remember how I said that I'd expect the favor returned?  
  
Kaufman: Mmm-hmm.  
  
Vinnie: Well, this is your chance to pay me back.  
  
Kaufman: What do I gotta do?  
  
Vinnie: Kaufman... I want you to take a dive.  
  
Kaufman: What?  
  
Vinnie: Next game of dominoes... I want you to let Payne win.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) I don't take dives. No way, no how.  
  
Kaufman: I don't know. I don't feel right about this.  
  
Vinnie: Okay. If that's how ya feel about it. Hey guyyys! I got something to show ya!  
  
Kaufman: (cupping his hand over Vinnie's mouth, whispering) Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right, I'll do it. Just don't tell anyone about the tape. Pleeeeeeease.  
  
Vinnie: You promise to let Payne win next game?  
  
Kaufman: Yes.  
  
Vinnie: Then you're little secret's safe with me. (Does buttoning motion over his mouth)  
  
Kaufman: Thank you.  
  
(Mona enters)  
  
Mona: So what do you have to show us Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Huh?  
  
Mona: Vinnie, you just called us all and said you had something to show us.  
  
Vinnie: Oh, ahhhh, my new Captain Baseball Bat Boy t-shirt. Very nice, huh?  
  
Mona: (sighs) Cut it out, will ya? We're busy.  
  
Vinnie: (grins a bit) Sorry.  
  
(Mona leaves, followed by Vinnie and Kaufman. Vinnie joins Annie and Mike on the sofa, while Kaufman rejoins Max at the table.)  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) Let's get this over with. I'm gonna hate doing this.  
  
Kaufman: Another game, Max?  
  
Max: Let's go. I've been waiting like the excommunicated in Purgatory for another game.  
  
(The two begin to play. They start slapping down one domino after another on the table. Unbeknownst to Max, Kaufman is holding back his best dominoes, allowing Max to score unbelievably high.)  
  
Max: (slaps down a domino, grinning) Ten.  
  
Kaufman: You're winning.  
  
Max: I told you I was gonna win someday.  
  
(Kaufman slaps down a domino, followed by Max, which gives him ten more points.)  
  
Max: Ten.  
  
(The two continue to play. Kaufman runs out of dominoes, while Max slaps down his last domino. This gives him the points he needs to win.)  
  
Max: Woohoo! Ten! I win!  
  
(Max jumps up from the table and does a little victory dance. Kaufman just watches, unfazed by it.)  
  
Max: (singsong) I win! I win! Who da man? Who da man?  
  
(Everyone else is flabbergasted – they've never seen Max so excited before. Kaufman acts as though he is taking it all in stride.)  
  
Kaufman: Congratulations.  
  
Max: Thanks, Kaufman. My pleasure.  
  
Max: (confessional) Wow. I don't think I've ever gotten so excited before. I came out of the shell of my cool exterior like a rabbit from its protective hole. But I can't help it – I beat Kaufman. It's the day I've been waiting for ever since Kaufman first came here.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) This sucks. I could have easily beaten Max. And Mama taught me never to take a dive for anyone. But I had to, to protect my secret.  
  
(We see Max continue to celebrate, until he catches the rest of the group watching him, completely dumbfounded. He regains his composure.)  
  
Max: Oh, uhh, hey guys.  
  
Lisa: Max, are you okay?  
  
Max: Oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine. I guess I just got a little excited.  
  
Annie: A little excited.  
  
Max: Well, yeah. I finally beat Kaufman like Pee-Wee Herman in a movie theater.  
  
Kaufman: Don't push it, Max.  
  
Max: Sorry, Kaufman. Congratulations. Good game. (shakes his hand)  
  
(A little later)  
  
Vinnie: So what does everyone wanna do tonight?  
  
Mona: Hmm... haven't thought much about it? Anyone got any ideas?  
  
Lisa: I'm stumped.  
  
Annie: Mike, you got anything?  
  
Mike: Nope.  
  
Kaufman: I know a place.  
  
Max: You do? What kind of place is it?  
  
(Moaner Moaner XXX Club, Soho, evening)  
  
(We see the gang enter the strip club. They have mixed reactions.)  
  
Annie: Oh god, Kaufman. A booby bar?  
  
Vinnie: Ahh, Kaufman, normally I'd be all for this, but I'm goin' out with A.J. now, so this might not be such a good idea.  
  
Max: I don't know. Stick around. It could turn out to be fun.  
  
Mike: (noticing a beautiful girl dancing topless) Hey, these girls are beautiful. (sees Annie glaring at him) But they can't compare to you.  
  
(Annie blushes a bit.)  
  
Mona: Y'know, I might be willing to stick around. It's kinda fun to watch these girls.  
  
Max: Mona?  
  
Mona: No, I'm just saying. It's kinda funny to see girls with oversized boobs make fools of themselves.  
  
Lisa: Well, be that as it may, I don't think I should be here. It might creep my husband out.  
  
Mona: And how do you know that?  
  
Max: Yeah, Lisa. He might get turned on like a switch by the idea.  
  
Kaufman: Are we staying or what?  
  
Max: I'll stay.  
  
Mike: Come on Annie, just give it a try.  
  
Annie: (sighs) A'right, but just for a little while.  
  
Vinnie: I'll stay too, but no one tell A.J., okay?  
  
Max: Of course not, Vinnie.  
  
Mona: Yeah, what happens here stays here.  
  
Lisa: I still think this is a bad idea... but I'll stay too, for you guys.  
  
Kaufman: Cool.  
  
(The gang finds a seat at a table near the stage. Soon the girl on stage finishes dancing and leaves the stage. The owner of the strip club then comes out with a microphone – it's Mr. Corcoran, the fat bald dead guy from the swanky apartments in MP2.)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: That was the lovely luscious Star, ladies and gentleman. Let's have a big hand for her. (cheers from the audience) Now it's time for our amateur hour. This is open to females AND males, so don't be shy. Anybody out there wanna perform their best nude dance for our lovely audience tonight? We give out cash prizes for the best performance.  
  
Kaufman: Let's go, guys.  
  
Vinnie: What? No freakin' way.  
  
Max: I'm with Vinnie. I'm about as comfortable doing this as sliding down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol.  
  
Mike: C'mon guys. I'll try it, why can't you?  
  
Mr. Corcoran: Nobody wants to come up and show off their assets for the crowd.  
  
Kaufman: This'll be fun.  
  
Mike: Yes, I'll do it for Annie.  
  
Mona: C'mon, Max. Go up there... for me. (bats eyes feigning seduction)  
  
Max: (confessional) Once again, Mona used her charms on me, coaxing me into doing this like a Vegas hypnotist coaxes a tourist into acting like a chicken.  
  
Max: Oh, all right. All right, I'll do it.  
  
Mona: Thanks, Max.  
  
Kaufman: Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: (sighs) All right, I'll go up, but you guys don't tell A.J., okay?  
  
Mona: Vinnie, what did I say when we got here?  
  
Vinnie: (corners of his mouth turn up just a bit) "What happens here stays here."  
  
Mona: Right.  
  
Kaufman: Cool. (to Mr. Corcoran) Hey! Over here!  
  
Mr. Corcoran: And we have a volunteer. Oh wait, we have four volunteers.  
  
Familiar voice: (OS) Make that five!  
  
(The group turns to see at the bar... Vladimir!)  
  
Max: Vlad! (the gang runs over to see him)  
  
Mike: Hey, Vladimir. What are you doing here?  
  
Vladimir: I snuck away for a night out. Winterson thinks I'm out threshing grain.  
  
Lisa: Whoa. You'd better hope she buys it.  
  
Mona: And her parents too.  
  
Vinnie: So you're joinin' us onstage, huh?  
  
Vladimir: Sure, if you guys are going to do this, then you should have a fifth. Like in "The Full Monty."  
  
Kaufman: Hey, let's do that.  
  
Max: What? The Full Monty?  
  
Kaufman: Sure.  
  
Vladimir: That is a good idea.  
  
Vinnie: Might as well. We're goin' up there already.  
  
Mike: Sure. It will be fun.  
  
Max: Well... okay.  
  
Kaufman: Let's go, the audience is getting impatient.  
  
(The gang goes up to the stage area. On the way, Kaufman whispers something to Mr. Corcoran. The gang goes behind the curtain and waits to be announced.)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: All right, folks. First up for amateur night we have Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman. And they wish it to be known, ladies, that they are going for... the Full Monty.  
  
(Loud cheering from the female audience members as the curtain opens to reveal the five guys. It is dark at first, but the stage lights turn on, illuminating them one by one. They are fully dressed, and they begin to dance as some cheesy music begins to play. As they dance, they remove parts of their clothing little by little, starting with their coats. They take off their shirts next, then their undershirts. Next they go for the pants, revealing their skivvies.)  
  
Annie: (confessional) At first I didn't wanna come here. But seeing Mike go up there and do something like that kinda got me hot.  
  
Mona: (confessional) I can't believe they got Max to go up there. He's doing quite well for someone so serious all the time.  
  
(The guys continue to dance. As the music nears its end, the guys go for their skivvies. In one quick motion, all the guys' skivvies come off to reveal "the Full Monty." The ladies hoot and holler as they finish up the dance.)  
  
Lisa: (confessional) Wow! They actually went and did it. I'm surprised... And Vinnie. That geek's been holding out on us ladies. I'll bet that A.J. chick's gonna be one happy customer, if they ever get intimate.  
  
(The music ends, and the guys grab their clothes and disappear behind the curtains.)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: That was Max, Vladimir, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, doing their rendition of the Full Monty. Next up we have...  
  
(Backstage, we see the guys putting on their clothes.)  
  
Vladimir: Great job guys.  
  
Kaufman: Thanks.  
  
Mike: That was fun.  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, it was. I'm surprised.  
  
Max: I was worried about doing this. But now I'm as happy as a fat kid at a free candy giveaway.  
  
(The guys are completely dressed and they go out to rejoin the girls at their table.)  
  
(Later...)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: Well, our judges have the results for tonight's contest. Our second prize winner, who will receive a fifty dollar gift certificate to Macy's, is... Sassy Susan, for her rendition of the naughty Catholic schoolgirl.  
  
(The audience cheers as a girl dressed in a sexy school uniform goes up to claim her prize.)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: Our first prize winner, who will receive $500 cash, is... Matt and Stephanie, for their rendition of bored housewife and pool man.  
  
(A young guy and girl come up to claim their prize, amidst cheers.)  
  
Mr. Corcoran: And our grand prize winner, who will receive a cool $1,000 cash prize, is... Max, Vlad, Vinnie, Mike, and Kaufman, for "the Full Monty."  
  
(The guys are surprised as the audience cheers, especially Mona, Annie, and Lisa. They go up to get their $1,000. They immediately split it five ways.)  
  
Mike: (confessional) Oh my gosh. We won. This is great. I'm going to use my $200 to buy Annie a nice gift. (chuckles) Maybe a cowgirl hat.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) I can't f(bleep)in' believe it, our group won. Now I kinda wish A.J. had seen me. I probably still shouldn't tell her, though. But I'll use my money to show her a great night. Maybe get her a gift too. Somethin' nice.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Ohhhh... I am SOOOO turned on right now, seeing Max and all the other guys doing that, and winning. I'm so glad we did this as a group. Pretty good idea for a quiet guy like Kaufman.  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up... the cast members get their own shows? And where will the relationship between Vinnie and A.J. go? Stay tuned for our next episode of "The Real World."  
  
Okay, once again, so sorry it took so long to get this out, but as always, PLEASE R&R. 


	17. Episode XIV

Disclaimers: Once again, I don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV Networks do. I also don't own "Going for Water." Robert Frost does, and you can read it in his Going for Water book of poems ;-)  
  
This stuff is fiction, not fact. This includes the shows.  
  
And now for Episode XIV of Max Payne and Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Kaufman: This is the story...  
  
Lisa: of seven strangers...  
  
Mike: picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Mona: when people stop being polite...  
  
Max: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York.  
  
(A limo, just outside of NYC, late morning)  
  
(We see the gang riding in the back of one of the limos through the countryside, just outside the New York City limits. We hear Johnny Lee's "Lookin' for Love" playing in the CD player, and Mike and Annie are singing along to it. Everyone else is a little annoyed by it, but are putting up with it.)  
  
Lisa: Hey guys, what's that over there?  
  
(We see a small white building with a huge antenna by it. It says "Channel 52 – Public Access Television.")  
  
Max: Oh, it's the public access channel.  
  
Mike: What is the public access channel?  
  
Mona: It's a TV station where anyone with 20 bucks can have air time.  
  
Mike: Wow. What a great country this is. Anyone can be on TV.  
  
Annie: Well, yeah. We on TV, ain't we?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, but let's go by there anyway. We could each have our own show.  
  
Lisa: Sure. Okay. Something to do.  
  
Max: I'm fine with it.  
  
Mona: Me too.  
  
Mike: I'll go too.  
  
Annie: I guess it'll be fun. Kaufman?  
  
Kaufman: That's cool.  
  
Vinnie: All right.  
  
(Vinnie signals to the driver to take them by the station. The limo turns around and pulls into the station parking lot. We see the gang exit the limo and enter the building. Max goes up to the front desk and speaks with the receptionist.)  
  
Max: Hi. We'd like to purchase some air time.  
  
Receptionist: Okay. One moment. Let me get our program director.  
  
(The receptionist calls the program director. Soon he comes down, a thin guy in a suit. He greets the group, and then speaks with Max.)  
  
Program Director: Hi. Can I help you?  
  
Max: Yes, we'd like to purchase air time for some shows we want to do.  
  
Program Director: Right. Let's step into my office, and we'll look at the schedule and see if we can fit you guys in.  
  
(We see the group following Max and the program director into his office, then looking at the schedule and picking out times. We then see them setting up soundstages, gathering props, trying on wardrobes, and calling some people on cell phones.)  
  
(The public access station, later.)  
  
(Max & Mona's show)  
  
Public Access Announcer (OC): And now, Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you... "In the Kitchen with Max and Mona."  
  
(The lights come up to reveal Max and Mona, behind a kitchen counter with various ingredients and cooking utensils in front of them. There is a stovetop and ovens to their right.)  
  
Max: Hello. I'm Max...  
  
Mona: And I'm Mona...  
  
Max: Welcome to In the Kitchen with Max and Mona.  
  
Mona: Today we're going to be making... Mona's Explosive Chocolate Soufflé. It's so puffy, you'll swear it's about to explode.  
  
Max: (gesturing towards the items on the counter) The first thing to remember is to always have your utensils and ingredients at hand, and well- organized. I have mine all lined up, soldiers ready to do battle against an unbaked dessert.  
  
Mona: Right. While Max is busy thinking up his newest metaphor (laughter from audience), let's take a look at what we'll be using for today's recipe. You'll need 2 tablespoons of butter, 1/2 ounces of melted chocolate, 2 tablespoonfuls of flour, 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/4 teaspoonful of salt, 2 eggs, 3/4 cup of milk, and the secret ingredient, which makes Mona's Explosive Chocolate Soufflé "explosive."  
  
Max: What ingredient is that, Mona?  
  
Mona: None other than... C4. (picks up a small amount of C4 from the counter)  
  
Max: But Mona, isn't putting C4 in a dessert a little unsafe?  
  
Mona: Too much of it, yes. But putting just a teeny-tiny bit in and baking it gives it just the puff you need.  
  
Max: Right. Now, let's prepare the dessert. First we put in our butter, chocolate, flour, sugar, salt, eggs, and milk. Then we beat it like a dog that just made a mistake on the living room floor. (more laughter from audience as Max runs the mixer)  
  
Mona: After you're done mixing the other ingredients, it's time to add the C4. Now, you just want the tiniest pinch. Too much, and you could burn your dessert, not to mention your house. (laughter from audience as Mona pinches off about a pea-sized amount of the C4) There, see? Just a pea- sized amount should be plenty.  
  
Max: Right. After you put in your C4, you'll want to hand-stir the ingredients one last time. Then, you pour your mixture into a cake pan. And now... it's ready for the fiery inferno of your oven.  
  
Mona: You'll want to bake the soufflé at 350 degrees. (takes the cake pan with the mixture from Max and puts it in the oven) Now, we happen to have another soufflé baking already. You'll know that your soufflé is done when you hear this sound...  
  
(We hear a loud BOOM and see a brief flash from inside the bottom oven.)  
  
Mona: There. Our soufflé is now done.  
  
(Mona takes out the soufflé. It is puffed up very largely.)  
  
Max: It looks good. A balloon full of sweets designed to give your taste buds a shot of pleasure the likes of which they've never received before.  
  
Mona: Right. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next time, where we will show how just the right amount of antifreeze can give your smoothie just the kick it needs. We'll see you then.  
  
(Audience claps as announcer speaks.)  
  
Public Access Announcer (OC): This has been "In the Kitchen with Max and Mona," a production of Public Access Channel 52.  
  
(Kaufman's show)  
  
(We hear soft classical music playing in the background, then fade out as the lights come up to reveal Kaufman, sitting in an easy chair. He is wearing his "Squeaky Cleaning Company" ball cap with a flannel smoking jacket and slacks. He is holding a book and has a pipe in his mouth, but he takes it out to speak.)  
  
Kaufman: Hi. I'm Kaufman. Welcome to Kaufman's Poetry Corner. Here we read and discuss great works of poetry. Today, we will be reading "Going for Water," a poem by Robert Frost.  
  
(Kaufman clears his throat as the background lights dim, leaving only a single spotlight illuminating him as he reads.)  
  
Kaufman: The well was dry beside the door,  
And so we went with pail and can  
Across the fields behind the house

To seek the brook if still it ran;

Not loth to have excuse to go,  
Because the autumn eve was fair  
(Though chill), because the fields were ours,  
And by the brook our woods were there.

We ran as if to meet the moon  
That slowly dawned behind the trees,  
The barren boughs without the leaves,  
Without the birds, without the breeze.

But once within the wood, we paused  
Like gnomes that hid us from the moon,  
Ready to run to hiding new  
With laughter when she found us soon.

Each laid on other a staying hand  
To listen ere we dared to look,  
And in the hush we joined to make  
We heard, we knew we heard the brook.

A note as from a single place,  
A slender tinkling fail that made  
Now drops that floated on the pool  
Like pearls, and now a silver blade.

(The background lights come back up as soon as Kaufman finishes reading. He takes a puff on his pipe, and then continues.)  
  
Kaufman: (emotionless expression) That was beautiful. I'm getting teary- eyed. I need a moment... That's better. I love that poem. It reminds me of my childhood in the country with my pet sheep. We loved it when the well ran dry, because we got to go into the woods and make all sorts of mischief. We'd be late getting home with the bucket of water, and Mama would take a switch to me, but it was always worth it. And we loved bathing together in the cool brook. It was always so much fun.  
Well, that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time, when we read and explore the works of none other than Maya Angelou. It really brings out my feminine side. Oops, I'm getting teary-eyed again...  
  
(Soft classical music plays as the stage lights dim and "Kaufman's Poetry Corner" comes up on the TV screen, over the set.)  
  
(Mike and Annie's show)  
  
Public Access Announcer (OC): And now, Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you "It's Debatable," a show that offers differing points of view on today's hot issues. And now, your host and mediator for "It's Debatable", Mills Lane.  
  
(Lights come up to reveal Mills Lane seated in the middle chair, with Annie seated on the left and Mike on the right.)  
  
Mills Lane: Hello. I'm Mills Lane, and welcome to "It's Debatable." On the left, representing the liberal side, we have Annie Finn. And on the right, representing the conservative side, we have Mike the Cowboy. (to Mike and Annie) Thank you for being here today. Now let's get it on.  
First topic: gun control. Your thoughts. Annie.  
  
Annie: I'm a licensed gunsmith, a licensed dealer in firearms. And I just want to say... that we need more gun control laws. Guns are getting into the hands of more and more criminals everyday. We need laws to keep those guns out of their hands. Fewer guns on the streets, fewer shootings.  
  
Mills Lane: Mike?  
  
Mike: We have plenty of gun control laws, and criminals are still getting guns. What does that say? More gun control laws will only be ignored by the criminals and will hurt the law-abiding. I say that we not interfere with the second amendment, and not interfere with a person's right to defend his self against the criminals.  
  
Annie: But if we have strong gun-control laws, then there wouldn't be a need for people to use guns to defend themselves against gun-toting thugs.  
  
Mike: Yes there will, because the criminals will only ignore the gun- control laws, while the honest citizens will not. So they will be powerless to stop the criminals from shooting them.  
  
Annie: (sighs) But newer gun-control laws will make it a crime to illegally own a gun. So even if a criminal does get his hands on a gun, at least he'll be caught and punished for it.  
  
Mike: When? After he shoots a man dead. How will gun-control laws help him then? They won't prevent the man from being shot.  
  
Annie: ARRRGH! YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!  
  
Mike: NO, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!  
  
(Annie loses it and leaps up from her chair. She proceeds to wring Mike's neck. Mills Lane promptly breaks them up, however.)  
  
Mills Lane: That's enough! THAT'S ENOUGH! Well, that's all the time we have today. You've been watching "It's Debatable." I'm Mills Lane, (looks at Mike and Annie) and you two are crazy.  
  
(The lights dim as the title of the show comes up on the screen and the music plays.)  
  
(Vinnie's show)  
  
(We see a garage with tools wall-to-wall and a lift in the center of the floor. Hard-rocking music plays as the announcer speaks.)  
  
Public Access Announcer (OC): Public Access Channel 52 is proud to bring you... "Make My Car Over," the makeover show for cars. And now, here is your host, Vinnie Gognitti.  
  
(We see Vinnie come out through a door at the back of the garage, amidst audience cheers. He is wearing mechanic's coveralls.)  
  
Vinnie: Hi. How ya doin'? Welcome to "Make My Car Over," the makeover show for cars. I'm your host, Vinnie Gognitti. Today, we will be completely making over a 2003 Honda Civic. So much so, that no one will ever be able to recognize it – not even the owners. (laughter from the audience) Bring 'er in, Fats!  
  
(We see the garage door open and Fats drive in a blue 2003 Honda Civic. He parks it directly over the lift, then shuts off the car and gets out. Vinnie holds out his hand in anticipation of the keys, but Fats gives him nothing.)  
  
Vinnie: Uhh, hey Fats. Where are the keys?  
  
Fats: What keys? I had to hot...  
  
Vinnie: Ohhh, I see! It's one of those new "keyless" cars. (glares at Fats, who disappears behind the door at the back of the garage) All right, we've got our car, we've got our paint, we've got our tools... What should we do?  
  
Audience: (chanting) Make My Car Over!!!  
  
(We now see Vinnie, with Fats and a couple of the other "wiseguys" helping, stripping down the car, scraping the old paint off of it, taking off the wheels, and removing many of its other parts. They take the old car's parts back behind the door at the back of the garage. We then see them re- painting the car, putting on new wheels, putting in a new engine, installing a new car stereo system, re-upholstering the car, and putting in a new ignition. They also put on a new license plate. We finally see the Honda Civic, painted hunter green, with Vinnie and the "wiseguys" proudly standing by it.)  
  
Vinnie: Nice job guys, but I think we forgot to change out one thing.  
  
Wiseguy #1: What could that be, Vinnie?  
  
Wiseguy #2: We changed it out from wheel to wheel.  
  
Fats: Yeah. We even changed the license plate.  
  
Vinnie: Well, open the door Fats, and look inside the doorway.  
  
(Fats opens the driver's side door, and looks in the doorway. The plate with the VIN catches his eye.)  
  
Fats: Ohhhh! (smacks his head once) The VIN plate. It needs a new number.  
  
Vinnie: Right. Remember, audience, if you don't change the Vehicle Identification Number, you might as well not even change anything about the car.  
  
(We hear a police siren from outside the garage.)  
  
Police Officer: (from outside, on a PA speaker) THIS IS THE POLICE! STEP OUT OF THE GARAGE SLOWLY WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!  
  
Vinnie: Uh oh! Y'know what that means. We're outta time. Join us here next time for our next episode entitled "Semi-Truck Surprise." See ya!  
  
(Vinnie and the "wiseguys" scramble out the back door as the lights dim and the title pops up on the screen.)  
  
(Lisa's show)  
  
(We hear mystical sitar music playing as the lights come up to reveal Lisa, seated at a small table with tarot cards on it.)  
  
Lisa: Hi. I'm Lisa Punchinello, and welcome to "What's In the Cards?" The call-in show where I use the power of tarot cards to see what's in your future. Well, let's get right to our first caller. Hello caller, you're on the air. What's your name?  
  
Caller #1: Hi Lisa. My name's Carm, and I live just across the river in New Jersey.  
  
Lisa: Well, hello Carm from New Jersey. What do you want to know about your future?  
  
Caller #1: Well, I recently separated from my husband, who was having numerous affairs with loads of women. While we were separated, I myself had an affair with my son's school guidance counselor. I mean, I was sure that divorce was imminent. But now my husband is moving back in, and it looks like he wants to get back together with me. He even seems willing to give up on his womanizing. I guess my question is... am I meant to get back together with my husband?  
  
Lisa: Well, Carm. Let's see, I'm shuffling the cards. And I am dealing three of them. And let's see which cards come up... Okay. We have the Tower card. I would say that the Tower represents the house, yours and your husband's. And next we have... the Devil card. The Devil could be your husband. And what's the last card gonna be? (Turns it over. It is the Death card!) It's the Death card.  
  
Caller #1: Oh no!  
  
Lisa: Oh don't worry. It doesn't necessarily mean physical death. Even though Death comes to Everyman (smiles). I think in this case, it means the imminent death of your marriage to this guy. So what I think is this: your current marriage is not meant to be. Your husband is evil, and you are better off without him.  
  
Caller #1: Wow! Thanks, Lisa. I'll go straight to the lawyer's office and file for divorce. Maybe I'll call my son's guidance counselor too. See if he wants to join me for coffee. Again, thanks Lisa.  
  
Lisa: My pleasure. Okay, as I reshuffle the cards, let's hear from our next caller. Hello caller, you're on the air.  
  
Caller #2: Howdy, Lisa. This here's Bubba. I came here to New York all the way from south Texas to visit some businessmen that wanna buy my cattle ranch. They told me that they'd pay me handsome fer it, but I'm not sure if I should. I wanna retire, and live the comfy life, but I'm not sure if I can trust these city folk. If they don't live up to their promise, then I could lose my ranch, and have nothin' to live on. But I'm worried that if I don't sell, that I'd be missing a golden opportunity. So what should I do, Lisa?  
  
Lisa: Well, let's see. (deals three cards) First up we have... the Tower card. The Tower card could represent the building where you're supposed to meet with the businessmen.  
  
Caller #2: Well shoot yeah. Dad gummit, it is tall.  
  
Lisa: Right. And the second card is... the Devil. The Devil is those businessmen that want to buy your ranch from you.  
  
Caller #2: Dad gummit to heck, I knew they was a buncha crooks.  
  
Lisa: Uh huh. And the third card is... Death. Hmmm. The death of your economic well-being, no doubt. Bubba, don't sell your ranch. These guys are gonna cheat you. Don't even show up to the meeting. Call 'em up and tell them the deal's off. You haven't signed anything, have you?  
  
Caller #2: No, gosh dang it! I never sign nothin' without readin' it first.  
  
Lisa: Good. Stay on your ranch for a little while. Or see about selling it to someone else, or having someone take over the business. But don't sell it to these businessmen that want to buy it. Nothing good can come of it, I'm positive about it.  
  
Caller #2: Okay. I won't do it. Thanks, little lady.  
  
Lisa: My pleasure. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us again next time, where I use my tarot cards to predict how the war in Iraq will end. Until then, take care of yourself, and your future.  
  
(The lights dim as the sitar begins playing again and the title comes up on the screen.)  
  
(The house, that evening.)  
  
Max: Wow. They all came out great, didn't they?  
  
Mona: Yes, they did. I'm really impressed.  
  
Annie: Oh, by the way, Mike, sorry about wringin' your neck on the show. I didn't mean to come unglued like that.  
  
Mike: It's okay, Annie. No problem. I still had fun doing my own show. Especially with you.  
  
Annie: (blushing) Awww, Mike, you so sweet.  
  
(We hear the telephone ring.)  
  
Max: I'll get it.  
  
(Max runs into the kitchen and answers the phone.)  
  
Max: Hello.  
  
MTV Producer: Max. How's it going?  
  
Max: Good. What's going on?  
  
MTV Producer: Well, the Executive Producer is what's going on right now. Or rather, going through the roof. She's not too happy about you guys going on another channel and doing your own shows.  
  
Max: What? Why?  
  
MTV Producer: She told me that it represents a conflict of interest.  
  
Max: How? MTV was there filming the damn thing, so it could be seen on this channel as well as the public access channel.  
  
MTV Producer: Look, Max. I'm just the messenger. It's not my job to decide what's a conflict of interests and what isn't. Oh, and by the way, she also wasn't too happy about that party you guys threw. She says it cost us way too much money.  
  
Max: What!? We only did that to keep the show interesting. The same way we did the public access channel today.  
  
MTV Producer: Look, once again, I'm just the messenger. Personally, I don't mind this stuff you're doing, but the Executive Producer does.  
  
Max: Man, this sucks like a Hoover vac. I wanna speak with the Executive Producer. Tomorrow.  
  
MTV Producer: Okay. If that's what you want...  
  
MTV Announcer: Coming up, on our next episode... how will the talk between the gang and the Executive Producer go? And could there be more to this than meets the eye? Stay tuned, for the next episode of "The Real World..."  
  
As usual, please R&R, as I love getting feedback on this.


	18. Episode XV

Disclaimers: You know 'em: don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This is fiction, not fact.  
  
Well, you've waited long enough. Here's Episode XV of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
MTV Announcer: For our Spanish-speaking audience, tonight's introduction will be given in Spanish.  
  
Max: Este es el cuento...  
  
Mona: de siete personas...  
  
Mike: escogido para vivir en una casa...  
  
Annie: y tener sus vidas recordadas.  
  
Vinnie: Descubre lo que pasa...  
  
Kaufman: No puedo hablar español...  
  
Lisa: y comienzan siendo real...  
  
All: ¡El Mundo Real: Nueva York!  
  
(The MTV Network building, Manhattan, around 9 AM)  
  
(We see the gang enter the lobby, dressed in business-casual wear. Mike is wearing a bolo tie and his cowboy hat. The others hang back a bit while Max goes to the front desk and speaks to the guard, dressed in a silver and black BDU. He is one of the Aesir building guards from MP1.)  
  
Guard: Can I help you sir?  
  
Max: Yes. We're from "The Real World," and we need to speak to the executive producer.  
  
Guard: Okay, one sec. (Gets on the phone and dials) Yes. A bunch of people are here. They say they're from "The Real World," and that they need to speak to the executive producer... Okay, I'm sending them up now. (Hangs up) All right. Go on up. Her office is on the 65th floor.  
  
Max: Thank you.  
  
Max: (confessional) Well, let's hope this goes well. I hope that having the others with me will help the executive producer see our side like a ghost whose body isn't his own.  
  
(The gang walks through the lobby and gets on the elevator. They press the button for the 65th floor and ride the lift up. As soon as it stops, they get off. They go down a long hallway to the end. There is a set of double doors at the end, guarded by two men in dark suits, shades, and wearing earpieces – the killer suits from MP1.)  
  
Max: Hello. We're here to speak with the executive producer.  
  
Killer Suit #1: And you are?  
  
Mona: We're from The Real World. The guard from the lobby sent us up.  
  
Killer Suit #2: Okay. Go on in.  
  
(The killer suits open the doors to reveal the executive producer – Nicole Horne!)  
  
Vinnie: (whispering to Max) Hey Payne, isn't that that Horne person from the Asgard building?  
  
Max: (whispering back) Yeah, it is. It's a small world, like all the populous crammed into an 8x10 cell.  
  
Horne: May I help you?  
  
Max: So you're the executive producer for The Real World.  
  
Horne: Yes. Your producer said you wanted to talk to me.  
  
Max: He said you weren't too happy with us going on the public access channel, or with the party.  
  
Horne: Hmmm... Oh yes. I do remember that. You guys need to remember that you are representing MTV, and that public access channel is still our competition. Your going on that channel is a conflict of interest. We can't have you guys giving our competitors free advertising.  
  
Max: Okay, point taken. But what about the party? We just wanted to keep the show interesting.  
  
Horne: That party cost us way too much money. You guys need to be more budget-minded in your activities. (phone rings) Excuse me.  
  
(Horne picks up the phone)  
  
Horne: Nicole Horne... Yes... Right... Okay, have the jet waiting for me at JFK. I'll be there... Right, put all charges on the network account... Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone)  
  
Max: (sarcastic) Yeah, okay, "budget-minded."  
  
Horne: Now, if you guys will excuse me, I have to fly to Washington, D.C. I'm meeting with the President. (gestures to the killer suits) These guys will see you out.  
  
(The killer suits escort the group to the elevator. They ride it down to the lobby and exit the building.)  
  
Mona: (confessional) God, that Nicole Horne's a real b(bleep)ch. And a hypocrite to boot. She's gonna tell us we need to be budget-minded, then use the network account for her own personal use. Typical corporate scum.  
  
Max: (confessional) Why is an MTV executive producer flying to Washington to meet with the President of the United States? This is funnier than a clown with elevator shoes on his head and a ten-gallon hat on his feet. I really think we should take a good look at her.  
  
(The house, later)  
  
(We see Max, Mona, and Vinnie on the couch, watching TV. Mike and Annie are in the kitchen, cooking dinner for the gang. Lisa is reading Kaufman's palm, with Kaufman not exactly enjoying himself, but enduring it.)  
  
Lisa: Okay, let's look at your marriage line... Hmmm... It looks like you'll have a pretty good marriage, but it won't happen for a few years... Okay, and your life line...  
  
Vinnie: Hey Lisa. Y'oughtta try to read Horne's palm. I'll bet she's got a looooong life line, and NO marriage line. He, he, he...  
  
(the rest of the group laughs)  
  
TV Announcer: We interrupt this programming to bring you this special news bulletin...  
  
(the group, including Mike and Annie, gather around the TV to watch)  
  
TV News Anchor: Good evening. Approximately one hour ago, an armed group seized control of the White House and is now holding the President and his staff hostage. The group is believed to be lead by this woman, Nicole Horne (picture of Horne shows up on the screen), but nothing else is known about this woman, or about the group. The group is demanding access to all military intelligence files and one billion dollars. Stay tuned to this station for more updates as they unfold...  
  
Max: (confessional) I knew there was something strange about her. Taking over the world. That's about as in as drawstring pants.  
  
Annie: (confessional) We gotta do something about this. Tell the cops, the FBI, or something. We can't just sit here while Horne holds the President hostage.  
  
(We hear a knock at the door. Max goes over and answers the door to reveal... the killer suits, flanked by many NYPD cops.)  
  
Max: Uhhh, can I help you gentlemen?  
  
Killer Suit #1: Max Payne?  
  
Max: Yeah?  
  
Killer Suit #1: Max Payne, Mona Sax, Vinnie Gognitti, Annie Finn, Mike the Cowboy, Lisa Punchinello, and Kaufman: we have a warrant for your arrest. Cuff 'em men.  
  
(The cops come in and proceed to cuff the entire group. They are completely dumbfounded.)  
  
Mona: What the hell is this!? On what charge?  
  
Killer Suit #2: Impeding an official government operation.  
  
NYPD Officer #1: You have the right to remain silent...  
  
Vinnie: What the f(bleep)k is this? We didn't do s(bleep)t! I want my lawyer...  
  
NYPD Officer #1: If you choose to give up this right, anything you say...  
  
(the officer continues reading the gang their rights as the killer suits and the cops escort the group out of the house and put them in squad cars)  
  
MTV Announcer: Uh oh. The gang in jail? Will they be able to find a way out? And will Horne get away with taking the President hostage? Stay tuned for more, on The Real World...  
  
Sorry this is kind of short, but it's been ages since I've updated, so I needed to get a chapter out to you. Hope you guys like it anyway. And I will have more coming, so keep watching. Oh, and please R&R as usual. 


	19. Commercial Break 3

Disclaimers: You know 'em by now. Don't own this stuff – Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This is not a real business. It's fiction.  
  
The Real World will return after a brief word from our sponsors.  
  
(Vinnie's used car lot – afternoon)  
  
Vinnie: How ya doin'? Vinnie here. Are you tired of those other used car dealers who wanna sell ya a lemon for the price of a Manhattan penthouse apartment? Well if you are, then head on down to Vincent's Sweet Deals on Wheels. (A few wiseguys are roughing up a competing salesman in the background as Vinnie continues.) Where we beat the competition... (We see another wiseguy with a baseball bat smashing up a car with the price "$5,999" on the windshield) beat down high prices... (Cut to a shot of Fats hotwiring a Benz) and bring you only the finest in pre-owned vehicles. And if you don't see a car here that you want, tell us, and we'll ste-, er, "special order" it for ya. And remember, (Cut to a shot of some more wiseguys firebombing a rival dealership) we will do whatever it takes to get your business. So come on down to Vincent's Sweet Deals on Wheels, and drive home in your dream car today.  
  
(We see a customer driving off the lot in a Lexus. As he passes by a pedestrian...)  
  
Pedestrian: HEY! THAT'S MY CAR!!  
  
Announcer: (VO, very rapidly) Prices include tag, title, and tax. Not responsible for lost, damaged, or stolen cars, no matter what the cops may say. 


	20. Episode XVI

Disclaimers: I don't own this stuff. Rockstar owns MP2, MTV owns The Real World.  
  
This stuff is fiction. Any similarities are coincidental.  
  
And now, Episode XVI of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
(We see the group giving the intro from jail, wearing prison jumpsuits.)  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven inmates...  
  
Mike: picked to live in a jail cell...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Vinnie: Find out what happens...  
  
Lisa: when people stop being model prisoners...  
  
Kaufman: and start being real...  
  
All: The Real World: Riker's Island.  
  
(Central Booking, Manhattan, early evening)  
  
(We see the cops booking the group members, each at various stages in the process. We first see a young cop fingerprinting Max, and making a mess of it.)  
  
Max: (sighing) No, no, no. You're making a mess like a dog with IBS. Here, lemme show you. (Max proceeds to roll his fingers across the ink and across the cards himself.)  
  
(Meanwhile, we see Mona's and Lisa's mug shots being taken. Mona is taking it all in stride, and is even posing for them, like a model. Lisa, however, is quite embarrassed. Meanwhile, Vinnie is talking on the phone, using his phone call.)  
  
Vinnie: A.J.? It's me, Vinnie. Listen, I, ah, may have to break our date for tomorrow night... Well, I'm in jail... I didn't do squat! A buncha idiots in suits said we impeded an official government operation, but that's a buncha crap... Look, A.J., I just need ya to do me one favor... I need you to call my lawyer... Yeah, here's the number...  
  
(Meanwhile, in a small interrogation room, a Killer Suit is questioning Kaufman.)  
  
Killer Suit: (slowly, over-enunciating a bit) I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can, Mr. Kaufman. We've had our eye on you and your roommates for quite some time.  
  
Kaufman: Bummer.  
  
Killer Suit: It seems you and your friends have been participating in activities that can be considered subversive and dangerous. (holds up a videotape) Exhibit A.  
  
(The Killer Suit puts in the videotape. It is the tape of Max and Mona's show, "In the Kitchen with Max and Mona." He pauses the tape on the part where Mona is holding up the C4.)  
  
Killer Suit: There. See? Using a public access station to teach people how to make dangerous explosives right under our noses. Now, Exhibit B.  
  
(Killer Suit fast forwards the tape to "Kaufman's Poetry Corner," then pauses it just after Kaufman finishes the poem.) Killer Suit: "But once within the wood, we paused/Like gnomes that hid us from the moon, /Ready to run to hiding new/With laughter when she found us soon?" I know you're little game, Mr. Kaufman. You're encouraging the masses to hide in the woods and form their own little camps – training grounds for domestic terrorists.

Kaufman: I don't reckon so.

Killer Suit: Well, here's Exhibit C. (fast forwards tape to Lisa's show, and stops it at the ending teaser) So you're little friend Lisa is planning to use her "tarot cards" (does quotation mark sign with fingers) to peer into official government activities.

Kaufman: No.

Killer Suit: (sitting down, across from Kaufman) Listen... I like you, and I don't want to put you in jail. And I'm sure you don't want to go to jail. So... I'm going to give you and your friends a chance to redeem yourselves. (hands Kaufman a piece of expensive paper) And this... is all you have to do.

(The Killer Suit gets up to leave. As he is exiting the room...)

Killer Suit: Take some time to think it over. Discuss it with your friends. Maybe you can talk some sense into them. (stares at him for a second) I'm sure you and your friends will do the right thing.

(The Killer Suit leaves. We hear him outside telling the guard to take Kaufman to his cell. The guard comes in and does so.)

Kaufman: (confessional) They can't keep us here. We have free speech rights.

(Men's Section, Riker's Island, later)

(We see Max and Kaufman sharing one cell, with Vinnie and Mike sharing an adjoining cell. Mona, Lisa, and Annie are in the women's section, so we don't see them as of now.)

Max: So what did they ask you, Kaufman?

Kaufman: Nothing. They showed me a tape, and gave me this. (hands the piece of paper to Max, who promptly reads it)

Max: Good god, the nerve of these people. They take the President hostage, and we're in jail. Now they want us to do this? No way, no how.

Mike: Max, please get us out of here. I hate it here. One of the criminals asked me to be his date for the prison hoe-down.

Vinnie: Yeah, big guy too. Bigger than three of yas. I had to tell him I was Mike's fiancé to get him to leave him alone.

Mike: (snarling) I ain't getting married to you, or to anyone of the inmates here. I like the cowgirls, not other cowboys.

Vinnie: (sarcastic) Awww, boo-hoo. I'm crushed.

Mike: But even worse, if I get convicted of this crime, I'll get deported for sure. It means I go back to Russia. No more country music, no more cowboy hats, no chance of me living on the prairie. (sobs) And I'll never see Annie again.

(Vinnie puts his hand on Mike's shoulder)

Vinnie: C'mon, Mike. Buck up. We'll get outta this somehow.

Max: Vinnie's right. We'll find a way out like a canary from a gilded cage. And we'll do it without agreeing to Horne's demands for us.

(We now see Winterson, with a couple of other cops walking down the corridor. As she walks down the hall, we hear hooting and hollering from the inmates.)

Winterson: (walking) Hey Max.

(Realizing who she just saw, she does a double take and remains frozen in shock.)

Winterson: Max? Vinnie? Mike? Kaufman? What the hell!?

Max: Winterson. You've gotta help us.

Winterson: What did you guys do to get in here?

Vinnie: We didn't do s(bleep)t. We're in here cause of some personal s(bleep)t against us.

Max: What Vinnie means to say is that a bunch of guys in suits kicked in our door and arrested all of us. Mona, Annie, and Lisa too.

Mike: It happened after we went to see the MTV Executive Producer. She was mad at us for going on the public access station, and for throwing the party. We went to talk to her, and then we were watching TV.

Vinnie: There was a special report on the news. Apparently this Horne broad's more than just a TV Exec. She also dabbles in taking the President hostage.

Winterson: Hmmm, I heard about that.

Max: So can you help us?

Winterson: I don't know what I can do, since this seems to be out of our jurisdiction. But I'll ask around. See who these suits are.

Max: Thanks.

(Winterson leaves. Meanwhile, in the women's section...)

Lisa: God, I can't believe we're in here. My husband's soooo gonna be mad at me.

Annie: Why? We didn't do nothing wrong.

Mona: Well, Lisa's husband tends to go to great lengths to keep up appearances.

Annie: I just hope the guys are okay. Especially Mike.

Mona: Mike'll be okay. He's a tough guy.

Lisa: (sobs) Oh god, I'm so scared. They got some scary looking women around here.

Mona: (hugs Lisa) Don't worry, sis. We'll get through this. I know it.

Annie: That's right, Lisa. There's gotta be a way out for us.

Guard: (OC) LOCKDOWN!

(We hear the closing of cell gates and the clanking of locks. The lights dim.)

(A short while later...)

(The camera pans to show Mona and Annie sleeping, while Lisa's eyes are wide open with fear. We then dissolve to another camera panning across the guys, all sleeping. Suddenly, at the end of the corridor...)

BOOM!!!

(We see an explosion, then we hear gunshots and people dying. However, because of the smoke, we cannot see exactly what is going on here.)

Guard: (OC, over loudspeaker) Armed perps in the lockup. Officer down. Need immediate... (gunshot) Arrrrgh!

MTV Announcer: Uh-oh. What's going on here? Who's doing all the shooting? Could they be coming for the gang? Stay tuned and find out, on our next episode of The Real World...

As always, please R&R. Let me know how I'm doing :-)


	21. Episode XVII

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.  
  
This stuff is fiction, not fact.  
  
Without further adieu, allow me to present Episode XVII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Max: This is the story...  
  
Mona: of seven strangers...  
  
Vinnie: picked to live in a house...  
  
Annie: and have their lives taped.  
  
Mike: Find out what happens...  
  
Kaufman: when people stop being polite...  
  
Lisa: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: New York...  
  
(We see the men's section of the jail cell again, full of smoke and flying bullets. Max, Kaufman, Vinnie, and Mike are hiding under their bunks, while trying to see what is going on.)  
  
Vinnie: (shouting to be heard above the gunfire) Can you see anything, Payne?  
  
Max: No. There's too much smoke from the explosion.  
  
(We see a guard getting shot very close to Max and Kaufman's cell. From the smoke opposite the guard emerges one man, dressed in a light blue jumpsuit. The back reads "Squeaky Cleaning Company.")  
  
Cleaner #1: Stand back!  
  
(The guys do so as the cleaner places a small explosive over the lock on the cell. He then detonates it, blowing off the lock. He does the same to Vinnie and Mike's cell door, then opens both of the doors.)  
  
Cleaner #1: Let's go. Hurry!  
  
(The guys hustle out of their cells. Several other cleaners join the one that blew the cell doors, and they cover the guys as they escape out through the hole in the wall into a parking garage. There are several "Squeaky Cleaning Company" vans revving, waiting to go.)  
  
Mike: What is this? These look like your guys, Kaufman.  
  
Kaufman: I dunno. I didn't call 'em.  
  
(Out of a second hole in another wall emerge Mona, Annie, and Lisa, also flanked by several cleaners.)  
  
Max: Mona!  
  
Mona: Max!  
  
Cleaner #2: C'mon. We have to move.  
  
Annie: Wait a minute. What are you guys doin' with guns? What's going on here?  
  
A familiar voice: (from inside one of the vans) Bang! You're dead, Max Payne!  
  
(The side door of the van opens to reveal... Vladimir!)  
  
Max: Vlad?  
  
Vladimir: Get in the back. Hurry! We'll talk later.  
  
Killer Suit #1: All right, folks. Show's over!  
  
(The cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang turn around to see a whole group of killer suits with M4's drawn, aiming at the crowd.)  
  
Killer Suit #1: Did you guys really think you were just gonna walk out of here? Start walking back inside now, and we just might let you live.  
  
(We hear the cocking of a shotgun hammer, followed by another familiar voice.)  
  
Another familiar voice: Guess again, goldilocks.  
  
(The killer suit turns around to see... Cooter, Winterson's father. He is wearing his overalls and cap, with his double-barrel shotgun and his XXX jug, which he occasionally takes a swig from.)  
  
Killer Suit #2: Drop him.  
  
Killer Suit #3: No way, dude.  
  
Killer Suit #2: Whattya mean "no way?" It's just one guy.  
  
Killer Suit #3: Yeah, but he's drunk, and a redneck. I ain't messin' with him.  
  
Other Suits: Me either... No way, pal...  
  
Cooter: You boys drop them guns now.  
  
(The cleaners use this opportunity to pick up their guns, and they join Cooter in aiming at the group of killer suits. The suits then decide to do what Cooter says.)  
  
Cooter: We're gittin' outta here. And don't you boys try'n follow us, or I'll mount you over my fireplace.  
  
(Cooter, the cleaners, Vladimir, and the gang sidle over to the vans, quickly get in, then speed off. The suits pick up their guns and shoot at them, but to no avail.)  
  
(One of the cleaner vans, a few minutes later.)  
  
(We see all seven of the gang in the back, as well as Vladimir and Cooter. One of the cleaners is driving. The other cleaners are in other vans, following behind.)  
  
Max: So what are your cleaners doing with military hardware, Kaufman?  
  
Kaufman: I don't know. I didn't know they had it.  
  
Vladimir: That was my doing. I knew I would need a small army to get you guys out of jail, and Kaufman's cleaners seemed to meet the amount of manpower. I was able to whip them into shape very quickly. I used to be in the Russian Army, y'know.  
  
Vinnie: Wow. That is somethin'.  
  
Vladimir: But I can't take all the credit for orchestrating your escape. You should thank Winterson. She called me about it. Plus one other person also contributed to the operation. You'll meet him when we get where we're going.  
  
Mona: And where's that?  
  
Vladimir: We're going to lie low at Winterson's parents' farm for a while. It's out in the country with many acres. There will be plenty of places to hide.  
  
Max: Hey Vlad, can you change the radio to the news station?  
  
Vladimir: Sure, Max.  
  
(Vladimir turns the tuner dial until he hits the news station. We hear coverage of the White House hostage situation.)  
  
Kyra Silver: (over the radio) ... as the White House hostage situation continues. An armed group had seized control of the White House early last night, taking the President and several members of his staff hostage. The group, led by one Nicole Horne, has demanded access to all military intelligence files and one billion dollars. The Pentagon, as of yet, has stood firm in its decision to not make concessions of any kind to the hostage-takers. The group still has yet to give a deadline. For NYNN Radio, this is Kyra Silver...  
  
Max: So I guess you heard about this?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. I know all about it. I and my associate can both give you information about the situation, and about your enemy, that you won't get from the news.  
  
(A little later...)  
  
(We see the vans, way out in the country, pull up a long driveway into Cooter and Mildred Winterson's farm. The vans park in one of the barns. While the cleaners leave Vladimir and the rest of the group to secure the farm, Vladimir and Cooter lead the group into the house. Upon entering they see Winterson, sitting on the couch, as well as Mildred, sitting in a rocking chair knitting.)  
  
Winterson: Hey guys. Glad you made it.  
  
Max: Winterson? I sure didn't expect you to bail us out. At least not like this.  
  
Winterson: Why not?  
  
Max: Well, it's not exactly by-the-numbers.  
  
Winterson: Well, I tried it that way first. I went to Bravura about it, and he tried to get you guys out, but the case is under the jurisdiction of the guys in the suits. We can't for the lives of us find out who they work for, but they've gotta be government. In fact, Bravura nearly got in trouble for snooping around. You know how he is – he loves us all a bit too much for his own good.  
  
Max: Right.  
  
Vladimir: So I offered to help. I got my associate to help get me the info, and the weapons, and as I said before gathered Kaufman's cleaners and organized them to bust you guys out.  
  
Annie: Wow, you got some connections, Vlad.  
  
Vladimir: Well, let's go meet my associate.  
  
Max: Good idea. He can fill in the holes of our Swiss-cheesed brains regarding this matter.  
  
(Vladimir leads the gang through the living room, past the kitchen, and up the stairs. He then takes them into a study, where a man in a wheelchair is waiting for them. It's Alfred Woden!)  
  
Vladimir: Everyone, meet my associate, Alfred...  
  
Max: Woden?  
  
Woden: Missssssster Payne.  
  
Vladimir: You guys have met?  
  
Lisa: Yeah, he was our tour guide when we went to the Asgard building. The first day I joined the group.  
  
Woden: Mona, Lissssssssa. Lovely to ssssssssssee you ladiessss again.  
  
Mona: Uhhh, yeah, right back at ya.  
  
Mona: (confessional) Oh great. The guy who helped bail us out has to be that creepy old man. Well, I'm telling you one thing: he tries to hit on me, I'll hit on him... with a shovel.  
  
Max: So how do you know Woden, Vlad?  
  
Vladimir: You probably already know that Woden is a senator.  
  
Max: Yeah.  
  
Woden: But what you don't know isss that both Vladimir and I belong to a ssssssecret ssssssssociety called "The Inner Circle."  
  
Mike: The Inner Circle?  
  
Vladimir: The Inner Circle, basically, makes sure the world runs smoothly, by whatever means necessary. And as such, they know many things that other people do not, even those in the highest offices of power.  
  
Kaufman: What kind of things?  
  
Woden: Next question.  
  
Max: Fine. What's going on with this Horne person?  
  
Woden: Nicole Horne wassssss a member of the sssssociety for many yearsssss, until she began trying to take over the world. At first she tried to do it through Valkyr.  
  
Vinnie: Oh yeah, I remember V.  
  
Max: Vinnie?  
  
Vinnie: Oh, ahh, I'm just sayin', I remember when V was goin' around on the streets. Some of those junkies couldn't get enough of it. I always did wonder where it came from. Some of the guys I saw peddling it didn't look like dealers to me.  
  
Vladimir: Anyway, Horne was behind V. It was originally a failed U.S. Army experiment, and she decided to continue it unauthorized. After her attempts at taking over the world through Valkyr failed, she turned to other means. Specifically, good old-fashioned hostage-taking.  
  
Lisa: So she's taken the President hostage.  
  
Woden: Right.  
  
Max: So if she succeeds in getting the military intelligence files, what's she gonna do? Use them against us and the other countries?  
  
Woden: No. Dessssstroy them.  
  
Mona: Destroy them?  
  
Vladimir: Yes. She plans to destroy them and make it look like other countries did it, or at least make the U.S. appear to accuse other powers of doing it. This will strain foreign relations and possibly cause wars. These wars will weaken many countries, including the U.S., and Nicole Horne and her army can move in and take over.  
  
Annie: So what's Horne doin' as an executive producer for MTV?  
  
Woden: It'ssssss her way of getting on the airwavessss in order to manipulate the masses.  
  
Kaufman: That blows.  
  
Vinnie: So did she really have us arrested?  
  
Vladimir: Yes, but we're not 100% sure why. My theory is because you guys have a tendency to do your own thing, so she saw you as a threat to her ability to manipulate the masses through the TV show.  
  
Woden: I have a sssssimilar theory: she had wanted to usssse your group to manipulate the television watching audience, but when you stood up to her, she wanted to have you aresssssted on the ssssset of the show in order to make an exxxxample of you so that othersssss would think twice before opposing her.  
  
(We see Winterson enter, looking a bit impatient.)  
  
Winterson: Are you coming to bed or what, Vlad?  
  
Vladimir: In a minute. I'm trying to talk to the group.  
  
Winterson: (one hand on hip) Excuse me?  
  
(Vladimir looks around at the gang, then sighs.)  
  
Vladimir: Coming, dear. (to the group) We can talk more about this tomorrow, and maybe decide what we are going to do. (leaves)  
  
Woden: I'm going to turn in too. Perhapssss you should do the sssame. (leaves as well)  
  
Max: (confessional) I knew there was something funny about Nicole Horne. Now Woden and Vlad have crystallized my suspicions like ice on a windshield.  
  
Mike: (confessional) Heyy, I like this hideout. A real farm. I wonder if they have horses here. If they do, I'm going to try to ride them just like the real cowboys.  
  
(A bunk house, around 5 AM)  
  
(We see the gang sleeping soundly in a bunk house near Cooter and Mildred's house. We hear a rooster crowing way off in the distance. This stirs a few of the group members, but they go right back to sleep.)  
  
Cooter: (busting open the front door) Everybody up!!  
  
Max: (startled) Wh-what?  
  
Cooter: Come on! Let's go! Lickety-split!  
  
Mona: (also startled) Is everything okay?  
  
Cooter: Move it! Chop-chop!  
  
(Cooter hustles the group outside, all in their PJ's. We see Vladimir, Winterson, and Mildred outside, all dressed. Vladimir is wearing farming clothes.)  
  
MTV Announcer: What's going on here? Could the group be in danger? Find out, on the next episode of The Real World...  
  
As usual, R&R's are always welcome. 


	22. Episode XVIII

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do. And Fox owns The Simple Life.  
  
Fiction, not fact.  
  
And now, episode XVIII of Max Payne & Co. present...  
  
The Real World  
  
Lisa: This is the story...  
  
Kaufman: of seven strangers...  
  
Vinnie: (a bit pissed) picked to live out in the sticks...  
  
Mike: and have their lives taped.  
  
Annie: Find out what happens...  
  
Mona: when people stop being polite...  
  
Max: and start being real...  
  
Everyone: The Real World: B.F.E.  
  
(Cooter and Mildred's farm, around 5 AM)  
  
(We see the gang outside their bunk house, still wearing their pajamas, with Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, and Mildred standing with them, wearing farming-type clothes. The gang is looking apprehensive.)  
  
Max: What's going on here?  
  
Mona: Is everything okay?  
  
Annie: They didn't find us, did they?  
  
Vladimir: Everything's okay.  
  
Lisa: Then why are we up so early?  
  
Cooter: (a bit surprised to be asked) It's time for the mornin' chores.  
  
(A moment of silence, followed by...)  
  
Vinnie: What the f(bleep)k? You pull us outta bed for this? (starts walking back towards the bunk house)  
  
Cooter: Get back here, boy, or I'll make you shovel the horse s(bleep)t out of the barn. I ought to anyway – you look like you need a good hard day's work.  
  
Vinnie: (sighs) Yes, sir. (falls back in with the rest of the group)  
  
Mike: All right. We do real farm work. Can I work with the horses?  
  
Cooter: Yeah, sure.  
  
Annie: I'll help you, Mike.  
  
Mike: Okay, Annie.  
  
Mildred: (pointing to Mona and Lisa) You two can help Valerie milk the cows.  
  
Lisa: Uhhh... okay.  
  
Winterson: Don't worry. Milking's easy. I'll show you.  
  
Vladimir: Max, I think I'll have you, Kaufman, and Vinnie help thresh grain out in the field. Don't worry. I'll find all of you guys some work clothes to wear.  
  
Max: Thanks, Vlad.  
  
(Mildred leads the group towards the barn house. On the way...)  
  
Paris Hilton: (from out of nowhere) Don't worry. It'll get easier the more you do it.  
  
Mike: (confessional) All right! I get to work with the horses. I'm going to see if I can ride them too. Just like the real cowboys. This'll be great practice for when I start my own ranch on the prairie.  
  
Annie: (confessional) I'm a bit nervous. Bein' from the city, I ain't never done this kinda work before. But I heard stories from my grandma about her workin' on a farm as a kid, so maybe it won't be so bad. (smiles) Especially workin' with Mike.  
  
(We see the gang arrive at the house. While Mildred goes to prepare breakfast, Cooter and Vladimir take the guys upstairs to pick out some farming clothes, and Winterson takes Mona, Lisa, and Annie to do the same. We then see the gang trying on various outfits. They eventually all end up wearing jeans or denim overalls. Mike is wearing Wranglers™, a western- style shirt, a pair of his cowboy boots, and one of his cowboy hats. Annie is wearing something similar to Mike, while Mona and Lisa are wearing overalls and plaid blouses. Max and Kaufman are wearing jeans and T- shirts, with Kaufman wearing his trademark "Squeaky Cleaning Company" cap. Vinnie is wearing overalls and a straw hat.)  
  
Vinnie: (confessional) God, I feel like such a tool in this getup. I better be well-rewarded for this s(bleep)t.  
  
(We see the gang standing in the living room before Vladimir, Winterson, and Cooter.)  
  
Cooter: Welp, let's do some chores.  
  
(Cooter takes Mike and Annie out towards the stable to tend to the horses. Vladimir takes Max, Kaufman, and Vinnie out into the fields to thresh grain. Winterson leads Mona and Lisa to the barn to milk the cows.)  
  
(The barn)  
  
(Cooter leads Mike and Annie inside. He then hands them each a shovel.)  
  
Cooter: Right. The first thing we gotta do is clean up all the horse s(bleep)t. You can just shovel it into this wheelbarrow here, then dump it round back. After you're done with that, you can feed the horses. Just fill their troughs with this horse food here. (Points to two large sacks by the doorway) Then you can water 'em. Just use the hose over there. (Points to a hose attached to a spigot in one of the walls.)  
  
Mike: Yes, sir.  
  
(Cooter leaves the two, who immediately get to work.)  
  
Mike: Heyy, isn't this fun?  
  
Annie: Uhh, I dunno, Mike. It really stinks in here.  
  
Mike: They're horses. They can't help it. Besides, this is what we'll be doing everyday when I get my ranch, so we might as well start doing it now.  
  
Annie: Oh... okay.  
  
Annie: (confessional) Okay, why did Mike use "we" in that sentence? I mean, I like Mike and all, but I never really thought about livin' with him on his dream ranch. (smiles) I guess I should be flattered, though... about being included in his dream of owning a ranch.  
  
(Annie and Mike continue to shovel the horse droppings, Mike whistling and Annie, though not quite as cheerful, willingly enduring it.)  
  
(The fields, meanwhile...)  
  
(We see Vladimir, wearing a John Deere™ hat, leading Max, Vinnie, and Kaufman out into the fields. He stops beside a grain thresher parked beside where the field begins. After the group stops, Vladimir gives the three sickles to cut with.)  
  
Vladimir: Okay. This is a rather simple job. All you guys need to do is cut the tops off of these shoots of grain with your sickles, and then toss them into this threshing machine. I will operate the machine. Any questions?  
  
Vinnie: So, ahh, how much of this we gotta do?  
  
Vladimir: All of it.  
  
(Vinnie's eyes roll. Vladimir sees.)  
  
Vladimir: Well, try to get done as much as you can. Okay?  
  
Vinnie: Yeah, okay.  
  
Vladimir: I'll be right by the grain thresher if you need me.  
  
Max: All right. (to the others) Let's get this show started, so we can get it finished.  
  
(The guys begin slicing the grain shoots as Vladimir starts the thresher. The guys toss each grain shoot in as they slice it, but Vladimir stops them.)  
  
Vladimir: (shouting to be heard over the machine) No, no, no! Wait until you get an armful of grain, then toss it in! The machine can't separate one shoot at a time – it's too small!  
  
Max: Okay!  
  
(Vladimir goes back to the thresher as the others get back to work.)  
  
Max: (confessional) Sweat poured down my body immediately like the bursting of a dam from doing this work. This is not something I'd wanna do for a living. But I have gained a whole new respect for those whose livelihood is the land. It's becoming more apparent what they have to go through just so people can eat.  
  
Kaufman: (confessional) This work ain't so bad. I used to work hard as a kid, growing up in the country. I reckon it's stayed with me.  
  
Vinnie: (confessional, panting and sweating profusely) Good god... This has to be... the hardest work... I've ever done. Whew! I'm hot... I'm tired... and my back aches. This better be well-worth my while.  
  
(The barn, meanwhile...)  
  
(Winterson leads Mona and Lisa into the barn. There are cows on either side of them, each in her own pen. She gets two empty pails from off of the wall and hands one to Mona and one to Lisa. She then takes them into one of the pens. She has Mona sit down on a stool while Lisa watches.)  
  
Winterson: Okay. Milking a cow is easy. All you have to do is grab the cow's udders and pinch at the tip.  
  
(Mona tries it, but nothing comes out. We hear a moo of annoyance from the cow.)  
  
Winterson: Just keep pinching, as hard as you can. Don't worry, it won't hurt the cow.  
  
(Mona keeps trying. Eventually milk begins to come out of the cow.)  
  
Mona: Heyyy! I got it!  
  
Winterson: Good. When the milk stops coming out, move on to the next cow.  
  
(While Mona continues, Winterson takes Lisa over to the other side. She sits Lisa down on her stool. Lisa is a bit more squeamish than Mona.)  
  
Lisa: (trying to force herself to touch the udder) Ewwww! This is gross.  
  
Winterson: C'mon, Lisa. Don't be afraid.  
  
Lisa: (who finally gets her hand on an udder) What IS this gooey stuff?  
  
Winterson: Oh, it's the milk. That means this one should be easy. Now, just pinch the tips hard as you can, and it should come right out.  
  
(Lisa pinches. Soon milk starts to flow from the udders.)  
  
Lisa: This stuff's warm. You actually drink this stuff.  
  
Winterson: Uh, yeah. So do you. Where do you think that gallon of milk you buy at the supermarket comes from?  
  
Mona: (confessional) Oh yeah, another thing I forgot to mention about my sister: she's kind of a crybaby. A drama queen. In a movie, she'd be the damsel in distress. I, on the other hand, would be the one that bails her little ass out of trouble. I dunno. Maybe she's been spoiled by her husband Angelo. He tends to buy her nice stuff, and fulfill her every whim, pretty much.  
  
Winterson: You girls getting the hang of milking?  
  
Mona: Uh-huh.  
  
Lisa: Awwww, I broke a nail.  
  
Winterson: Good. Just keep milking till those pails are full, then bring 'em back to the house. I'll be in there, helping make breakfast. I'd milk too, but I can't really stoop down too far now. (pats her tummy) Y'know...  
  
Mona: Of course.  
  
(Winterson leaves as Mona and Lisa continue to milk.)  
  
(The Winterson Farm, around 7:30 AM)  
  
(Mildred steps outside the house and rings a large aluminum triangle hanging beside the front door. We see Vladimir and Cooter instantaneously jump up and rapidly walk towards the house. The gang sees them and follows their lead.)  
  
(The house)  
  
(Cooter and Vladimir enter the house, followed by Max, Vinnie, and Kaufman, then Mona and Lisa, and finally Mike and Annie. They all take turns washing up, then join Mildred and Winterson at the table, where a hearty breakfast awaits. Woden comes to the table as well.)  
  
Annie: Wow, look at all this food.  
  
Max: It's been ages since I've eaten this early, and I don't think I've ever eaten this much food so early.  
  
Cooter: Welp, you work hard in the mornin', you work up a good appetite.  
  
Vinnie: (still sweating a bit) You can say that again.  
  
(Vinnie proceeds to dig in, but Mildred stops him.)  
  
Mildred: Ah-ah-ah! Aren't we forgettin' something?  
  
(The gang looks confused.)  
  
Vladimir: Oh yeah, I forgot. We always say grace before every meal.  
  
Mona: Oh... okay.  
  
(Everyone else bows their head in silence as Cooter prays.)  
  
Cooter: Lord, thank you for this gift of food that you've bestowed upon us. Please bless it to our bodies, and our bodies to your service. Please bless our guests and keep them safe as well. In Jesus name we pray, amen.  
  
Everybody: (in unison) Amen.  
  
(Finally, everyone digs in. They eat eggs, sausage, pancakes, bacon, ham, grits, and biscuits and gravy, with orange juice and milk to drink. Lisa, however, is only eating eggs, pancakes, and grits.)  
  
Winterson: What's wrong, Lisa? Are you not hungry?  
  
Lisa: Oh, I'm fine.  
  
Mona: Lisa's a vegetarian.  
  
Winterson: Oh, okay.  
  
Vinnie: Hey Vlad, can I borrow your cell phone after breakfast? I need to call A.J. and tell her what's up.  
  
Woden: No. Absolutely not.  
  
Vinnie: What?  
  
Vladimir: Woden's right. She cannot know where you are. In fact, you must not make any outside calls or leave this farm under any circumstances.  
  
Vinnie: But... she'll be worried about me. I can't just ditch her like this.  
  
Vladimir: Horne's men are still after us, not to mention the cops.  
  
Vinnie: I know that. Can't I just... call her and not tell her my whereabouts?  
  
Woden: Horne'ssss men could track the cell phone ssssssignal. We can't take any chancesssss.  
  
Vladimir: That goes for e-mail and any other form of communication.  
  
Vinnie: Aww man. This blows.  
  
Mildred: Hey! Watch your mouth, young man!  
  
Vinnie: Sorry, Mrs. Winterson.  
  
Winterson: I know it sounds harsh, Vinnie, but A.J.'s just gonna have to understand. You can explain it all to her once this thing blows over.  
  
Max: Mr. Winterson, if it's not too much trouble, can I turn on the radio?  
  
Cooter: Go ahead, son.  
  
(Max gets up from the table and turns on the small radio on the counter. He tunes it to the news station.)  
  
Kyra Silver: (over the radio) ... and we have just heard that a hostage has been killed by the group in the continuing standoff at the White House. The hostage has been identified as a Secret Service agent who was on duty guarding the President during the takeover. The hostage was reportedly killed trying to help sneak the President out of the White House.  
  
Mona: Oh no!  
  
Kyra Silver: The group's demands still have yet to be met, and still no deadline has been given. However, the group has threatened to kill other hostages if any more attempts to aid the President's escape or to interfere with the group's activities are made. For NYNN Radio, this is Kyra Silver.  
  
(Max shuts off the radio. He is a bit angry. So are the others.)  
  
Max: This makes me mad. Horne has crossed so far over the line it would look like a dot, if she was looking back, which she clearly isn't.  
  
Cooter: Damn commie bastards.  
  
Vladimir: Stay calm, everybody.  
  
Mona: What are we gonna do? Horne's gonna kill the President eventually, if things keep going the way they're going.  
  
Woden: Not necesssssarily. If the President diesssss, they lossssse their leverage. Sssssso they need to avoid killing him asssss much asss possssible.  
  
Vladimir: Look, let's just not worry. We're wasting energy doing so. We'll finish the chores after breakfast, then we'll talk some more about how we are going to deal with this.  
  
Max: Sure. I guess that'll be okay.  
  
MTV Announcer: What will become of the President? Will Horne get away with what she's doing? And can the gang adjust to "the simple life?" And will hiding out put a strain on Vinnie's relationship with A.J.? Find out, on our next episode of "The Real World..."  
  
Well, yadda, yadda... hope you like it. As always, please R&R. 


	23. Episode XIX

Disclaimers: Don't own 'em. Rockstar and MTV do.

Fiction, not fact.

A/N: There will be FIVE more episodes after this one! (And MAYBE one more commercial...)

Okay, now that I've said what I gotta say, here's Episode XIX of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Mona: of seven strangers...

Vinnie: picked to live on a farm...

Annie: and have their lives taped.

Kaufman: Find out what happens...

Lisa: when people stop being polite...

Mike: and start being real...

Everyone: The Real World: B.F.E.

(The Winterson Farm, late morning)

(We see the gang coming out from the house just after finishing breakfast. Max, Vinnie, Kaufman, and Vladimir return to working the grain fields, while Mike and Annie return with Cooter to the barn with the horses. Winterson takes Mona and Lisa to take care of the chickens.)

(The barn)

(We see Cooter leading Mike and Annie back to the barn. He speaks to them as soon as they enter.)

Cooter: Okay. Now these horses need to be let loose so they can exercise. They need to run around a bit.

Mike: You mean I get to ride them now?

Cooter: (chuckling a bit at Mike's enthusiasm) Yeah, sure. You too, Annie, if you know how.

Annie: Uhhh, I rode a pony once when I was a kid, at a friend's birthday party. I think I can remember.

Cooter: Don't worry. I'll watch and make sure you don't get hurt.

Annie: Thank you.

Mike: (confessional) All right! I've been waiting to do this ever since I was a kid. In Russia I used to watch a lot of cowboy movies, and I always dreamed of riding horses just like those guys.

(Mike and Annie start moving the horses out of the barn and into a fenced-in area where they can run around, Cooter watching from a short distance away. As soon as they get all the horses out, Mike gets out a saddle for Annie, then goes back and gets one for himself. They each pick out a horse and saddle it up. They both get on and ride. Both Mike and Annie are a bit clumsy at first riding, but they soon get the hang of it.)

Mike: (riding, the horse rapidly trotting along) YEE-HAW!

Annie: (confessional) I forgot how much them saddle-sores hurt. Other than that, it was kinda fun... Boy, Mike sure looked happy. I guess I'm happy for him, gettin' to do something he dreamed of as a kid. Not everyone gets to fulfill that, y'know.

(The hen house, meanwhile)

(We see Winterson leading Mona and Lisa into the hen house.)

Winterson: Okay, now we need to collect all the eggs. Just get 'em from the slots under the hens. I'll help you two with this.

Mona: Okay.

(The three immediately get to work collecting the eggs. While Lisa is gathering eggs from one of the slots, a hen from above pecks her arm. She shrieks, recoils her arm in pain and alarm, and grimaces.)

Lisa: Owwww!

Mona: Lisa? You okay?

Lisa: Owww! One of those damn hens pecked me.

(Mona and Winterson both snicker a bit at Lisa's misfortune.)

Winterson: Don't worry, Lisa. It looks like it's just a scratch.

Lisa: (confessional) First I break a nail, then I get my beautiful arm scratched by a stupid chicken. God, life is soooo unfair.

Winterson: You have to be careful not to make any sudden moves around chickens. They get rather jumpy, and they're feistier than most people think.

Lisa: (under her breath) No s(bleep)t.

Winterson: (whispering to Mona) No offense, but your sister seems a bit... spoiled.

Mona: (also whispering) You have no idea.

(The fields, meanwhile)

(We see Max, Kaufman, and Vinnie continuing slicing the grain shoots, with Vladimir running the thresher. Vinnie decides to try to eat a grain shoot, expecting it to taste like bread, but he quickly finds it doesn't. It tastes terrible, and he quickly spits it out.)

Vinnie: Agh! S(bleep)t!

(Vladimir laughs, and the others chuckle a bit as well.)

(The farm house, around sundown)

(We see all the gang, minus Vinnie, lounging around the living room. Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, and Mildred are also around. Woden is in the study.)

Mona: That was some hard work, wasn't it guys?

Max: Agreed. My limbs feel like fire eating away at my muscles and bones.

Cooter: Hurtin's good. It's what workin' like a man feels like.

Vladimir: I used to feel like that every day when I first started doing the farm work here. But as time went by, I got used to it, and now I almost welcome it.

Annie: So how's the baby coming along, Winterson?

Winterson: It's doing just fine.

Mike: Do you know if it's going to be a boy or a girl?

Winterson: No, and I asked the doctors not to tell us.

Vladimir: She wants to find out the old-fashioned way.

Lisa: Hey, where's that Woden guy?

Vladimir: He's upstairs in the study, looking over some maps and analyzing some reports. He might come down later, though.

Mona: Well, he can take his time. I'm grateful he helped us and all, but he still creeps me out.

Lisa: Me too.

Kaufman: Where's Vinnie?

Mildred: He said he needed to go into town.

Winterson: Yeah. He said he was going to get some beer.

(A street just outside of Casa di Angelo, Brooklyn, nightfall)

(We see A.J. leaving the restaurant, saying good-bye to a co-worker on her way out. She then walks along the street towards the subway. As she passes by a small park...)

Vinnie: (from behind a bush, whispering) Psst. Hey. A.J. Over here.

(A.J. nervously saunters over to the bush.)

A.J.: Hello?

Vinnie: A.J. It's me, Vinnie.

(Vinnie takes her hand and leads her behind the bush. We now see him – he is wearing a long brown trench coat, a dark brown fedora hat, and a fake mustache, but he takes it off so A.J. can see his face.)

A.J.: Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yeah.

(A.J. inches over towards Vinnie, then all of a sudden gives him a slap in the face!)

Vinnie: OW! What the hell was that for?

A.J.: You don't call me for two days! And now I find out from your lawyer that you escaped from jail!

Vinnie: (cupping his hands over her mouth, whispering) Shh! Shhh! A.J., don't!

(A.J. squeals a bit, but quiets down. Vinnie let's go of her.)

Vinnie: Look. I'm sorry about that. I didn't even know about the bust-out. A buncha guys just came in from outta nowhere and broke out me and my friends. I was gonna wait for my lawyer, but everything happened so fast.

A.J.: You could have at least called me afterward.

Vinnie: They wouldn't let me.

A.J.: Who?

Vinnie: The guys who busted us out. They said the phone signals could be tracked. In fact, neither they nor my friends even know I'm here. They wanted me to stay where I am and not even talk to you.

A.J.: So why _are_ you here?

Vinnie: (after a pause) Because I... wanted to see you again. The truth is... you're the first person I've met that I'm willing to risk my life for.

A.J.: Ohhhh, Vinnie.

(She moves in closer to Vinnie. They kiss. Vinnie stops abruptly, though.)

A.J.: What's wrong, Vinnie?

Vinnie: (quickly putting back on his fake mustache) I just saw a cop drive by. Listen, I gotta go back.

A.J.: Where are you going?

Vinnie: I can't tell you.

(We see a look of disappointment on A.J.'s face.)

Vinnie: Look. It's for your own safety. The less you know the better. (pause) I'll try to find some way to keep in touch with you. I promise. Okay?

A.J.: Yeah, okay.

Vinnie: Thanks for understanding. And I promise I'll see you again. (pause) Bye, A.J.

A.J.: Bye, Vinnie.

(Vinnie straightens up his disguise and then runs off deeper into the park. We see him get into a pick-up truck hidden among some other branches and drive back onto the streets, trying to stay hidden amongst the other cars.)

Vinnie: (confessional) Wow. My first kiss with A.J. Not exactly what I pictured, though. I took her home after that party, but I just shook her hand at the end. But oh well, a kiss is a kiss, right? Maybe after this whole thing's over, we can do more.

(The farm, later)

(We see the other group members, with Vladimir, Winterson, and Woden, still lounging around. Cooter and Mildred have gone to bed. Max, Kaufman, and Vladimir are playing cards, Mike is reading a horse magazine, Annie and Mona are chatting, Lisa is playing with a Ouija board, Winterson is knitting, and Woden is reading a book. Vinnie comes in momentarily, carrying a 12-pack of Coronas)

Vladimir: Vinnie. Welcome back.

Mona: That took a long time, Vinnie. Where'd you go to get those Coronas, Mexico?

Vinnie: No. I, ahh, went to the County Line. Y'know, on the corner.

Winterson: What corner?

Vinnie: Uhh, Palmer and Elm.

Max: Really?

Vinnie: Yeah.

Max: (after a pause, looking a bit smug) Are you sure you didn't go somewhere else, like say, Brooklyn?

Vinnie: What?

Max: And you're also sure that you went out to get beer, and not for something else. Like, ohh, I don't know... A.J.?

Vinnie: Look, Payne, I don't know what you're talkin' about. I just thought I'd do somethin' nice for you guys, so I went out to get some beer for yas.

Winterson: Vinnie, think. There is no liquor store, or any kind of store, called the County Line in this town. There also are no streets named Palmer or Elm.

Max: Not to mention, the time you left here would put you in front of that restaurant around ten, which if I recall is the time that you said A.J. finishes her shift. Plus you have make-up on your collar. And it matches the shade that A.J. was wearing when we met her at the party. (gets up) Let's take a look at that receipt. (picks up the receipt from on top of the case of Coronas and reads it) "Carmine's Liquor Corner, 1128 ½ E. Flatbush Ave., BROOKLYN, NY 11210."

Vinnie: (after a long pause) All right! I went back into the city! There, I said it! Ya happy now?

Woden: Vinnie, what did we tell you about going back there?

Vinnie: I know what you and Vlad said. And quite frankly, it's a risk I had to take. I can't just up and leave A.J., no matter what the circumstances. But don't worry. I didn't tell her where we are, or about you guys. I just said that someone came and got us outta jail, and that I didn't know who it was. Okay?

Vladimir: What if somebody had seen you?

Vinnie: So let 'em see me. I was wearing a disguise. Plus I hid in the bushes in a park.

(a pause from the rest)

Vinnie: Look. I promised A.J. that I would try to find some way to keep in touch with her. Don't worry – I'll be careful. But I can't go back on my word.

Max: And you think that one woman is worth the risk?

Vinnie: This particular woman? Yeah. You should know, Payne.

Max: What?

Vinnie: Ahh, nothing.

Annie: Yo guys. The news is comin' on. Shouldn't we try to see what's up with the Horne situation?

Max: Sure. We need to keep on it like flies on rotting meat. We'll talk about this later, Vinnie.

Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

(Max goes and turns on the TV. He changes the channel to the news. Sure enough, the top story is the White House situation.)

Kyra Silver: ... Once again, the government has given in to the group's demands and has provided the group with one billion dollars, all Defense Department files, and safe passage for the group out of Washington, D.C. The group has left the White House with the President for an undisclosed location. All other members of the White House staff have been left behind.

In other news...

(Max turns off the TV. The whole group is dumbfounded.)

Mona: Good god. This is terrible.

Mike: I can't believe the government would cave in like this.

Max: It was either that or leave the most important man in the world to die in the hands of these terrorists.

Vladimir: We have to do something. We can't just let them do this.

Woden: I'll ssstart digging around. We need to find out where Horne isss going.

Vladimir: I'll get the cleaners ready.

Kaufman: I'll help.

MTV Announcer: Uh oh! Where could Horne and the President be? Is the President still safe? And will the gang be able to stop Horne? Find out this and more, on the next episode of "The Real World."

Okay, sorry it took so long. Hope it was worth the wait. As usual, please R&R.


	24. Episode XX

Disclaimers: You already know 'em.

The Italian dialogue comes courtesy of one of those text translators that you can find on the web. I don't actually speak Italian, so my apologies if it's a little off. The Spanish intro in episode XV was all me, however.

And now, episode XX of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Mona: of seven strangers...

Vinnie: picked to live in a house...

Annie: and have their lives taped.

Mike: Find out what happens...

Kaufman: when people stop being polite...

Lisa: and start being real...

All: The Real World: The Boonies!

(The Winterson Farm, early morning)

(We see the gang emerging from the bunk house, dressed in their farming clothes. They meet with Vladimir, Winterson, and Cooter to start the morning chores.)

Vinnie: (confessional) I hope we ain't gotta do this much longer. I'm a little tired of this 5:30 in the AM s(bleep)t.

Lisa: (confessional) Awww, my hair's a mess. I gotta say, this stuff's really ugly-fying me.

(Winterson takes Mona and Lisa to milk the cows and collect the eggs from the chickens. Mike, Annie, and Cooter head to the barn to take care of the horses. Vladimir, however, leads Max, Vinnie, and Kaufman to a small shed, where the separated grain shoots are stored. There he hands them shovels and a huge stack of empty burlap sacks.)

Vladimir: Okay. Today we need to fill up these sacks with the grain shoots that we separated yesterday. Later we are going to sell them to the mill to be processed, so we need to get it done as quickly as possible. I'll be here to help you guys.

Max: Hey Vlad, I can appreciate the fact that these chores need to be done, but don't we have a more pressing matter snapping at our heels like a starving alligator?

Vladimir: Yes, Max, I know. We're going to deal with that after breakfast. Woden will be up by then, and we need him to help us.

Max: Oh... okay.

(The guys get to work shoveling the grain from a huge pile into the sacks. One by one they fill up the sacks.)

Max: (confessional) It's tough, working with this grain. Tougher than a gang of cutthroats in Ozone Park at 2AM. But it could be worse. The others and I could be shoveling something else like a politician's campaign speech.

(The guys chat a bit while they are working.)

Kaufman: How's the baby coming along?

Vladimir: Very well, Kaufman. Very well. In fact, sometime today Winterson and I are going to pick out some baby furniture.

Max: Good luck putting it together. You'll have an easier time designing a space shuttle out of potato chips than putting together one of those cribs. Take it from me.

Vinnie: So how much say is Winterson giving ya as far as what furniture you'll be pickin' out for the kid?

Vladimir: (walking towards the front door, then turning around to face the others) Vinnie, it's Winterson. I don't get any say as far as when I can go to the restroom. She controls everything about me. She can't stand the thought of me doing anything that doesn't directly involve her. Apparently my purpose in life is to serve her every whim. She could sense my having a good time if I were halfway across the globe. She...

(The guys appear to be looking past Vladimir towards the doorway. They seem apprehensive, and Vladimir notices.)

Vladimir: She's behind me, isn't she?

(Vladimir turns around. Sure enough, Winterson is standing there, arms folded, not looking too pleased.)

Vladimir: Heh-heh. Hi, honey. I was just, uhh, telling the guys how much I am going to enjoy shopping with you for baby furniture.

Winterson: Good, because you're also gonna enjoy hauling it out to the truck, hauling it into the house, setting it up, _and_ massaging my feet afterwards. It is your "purpose in life," after all.

(Vladimir gets a look on his face that shows he is angry with himself for saying what he did.)

Winterson: Afterwards, if you do a good enough job, I _might_ let you use the restroom. (to the other guys) Do _you_ guys have anything to say, or would you like to help Vlad here?

Vinnie: Just how much we _love _being here, and doing these chores. See? (Vinnie overenthusiastically resumes his shoveling.)

Max: Uhhh, what he said.

Winterson: How about you, Kaufman?

(Kaufman just shakes his head no.)

Winterson: (looking smug) See you later, Vlad.

Vladimir: Heh-heh, looking forward to it, sweetums.

(Winterson leaves. The guys snicker at Vladimir's little screw-up.)

Vladimir: Laugh now, folks. Just wait until it happens to you.

(The Winterson house, breakfast)

(Mildred comes out and rings the triangle. Everyone comes pouring in. Woden comes from the study to join the rest. Everybody sits down to another huge breakfast of eggs, toast, sausage, biscuits, gravy, and flapjacks. They say grace, then dig in.)

Mildred: So, how did the morning chores go?

Max: Smooth as a naked man's movements under silk sheets.

Mona: (confessional) Okay, Max seems to be using similes and metaphors even more than usual. I'd sure love to know why he does that. No normal person talks like that in everyday conversation.

Woden: When breakfasssst isss over, I need to sssspeak with you guyssss.

Vladimir: Sure, Woden. No problem.

Winterson: Mom, I don't know if you noticed, but we got the milking _and_ the eggs done early this morning. Mona _and_ Lisa are really getting the hang of this.

Mildred: That's good, Valerie.

Lisa: (tidying herself up, using a compact) It's getting a little easier, but it's still dirty work.

Mildred: Well, sometimes you just gotta get them hands dirty. Looking back at your own handiwork makes it all worthwhile.

Mona: (smiling a bit) Yeah, I guess it does.

Annie: Mr. Winterson, can we turn on the radio?

(Cooter nods, and Annie gets up and turns on the radio. The news is on.)

Kyra Silver: (over the radio) Good morning, and welcome to NYNN Radio. I'm Kyra Silver. The search continues for the Horne group, as the White House takeover group has been called. Yesterday the Pentagon had given in to the Horne group's demands for DOD files and 1 billion dollars. The group then left the White House with the President for an undisclosed location. A nationwide APB has been put out for Nicole Horne and all other members of her group, but so far, the group has not been found.

In other news...

(Annie gets back up and turns off the radio, then sits back down. The group finishes eating. Afterwards, Cooter and Mildred return to the chores, while the group, Vladimir, and Winterson follow Woden into the study. Woden closes the door.)

Woden: I wasss able to get in touch with a contact within the FBI, and he wasss able to erase the APB put out on your group, ssssso the police are no longer ssssearching for you.

Vinnie: All right! We can go back to the city.

Woden: No. Not yet. Horne'ssss men could sssstill find you, and kill you. My contact wassss not able to hack into Horne'sssss computer. They have a much more sophissssticated computer syssstem than the police. He couldn't even lock onto a valid IP addresssss.

Max: So you can't find out where Horne is?

Vladimir: No. It is anyone's guess where they're holed up.

Mike: So what are we going to do?

Winterson: Maybe we should stay out of this. If Woden's guys with all their hi-tech equipment can't even find Horne, what chance do we have?

Max: She's right. I realize it's the President, but stick our necks out, even for him, and somebody with a hatchet will just chop off our heads. We should just let the Feds do their jobs. I'm sure they'll get 'em, and save the President.

Woden: Hmmm. Mr. Payne ssseems to be right on target. Okay, we'll ssstay out of it. However, I will continue to monitor the sssssituation. I will ssssee if I can locate Horne. If any information comessss up, we will sssssimply turn it over to the police.

Mona: Sounds like a plan to me.

Lisa: Me too. I wasn't up for getting into a violent confrontation with these people.

Max: Right. Swimming in a bloodbath only leaves permanent stains on your soul.

Vladimir: Okay. Keep an eye on things, Woden.

(The rest of the gang exits, leaving Woden alone in the study once again.)

Vladimir: Well, we managed to get all the sacks of grain full. Let's all relax a bit.

Winterson: Ummm, everyone else can relax. Vlad, aren't you forgetting something?

Vladimir: Oh yeah. I guess we're going to shop for the baby furniture now.

Winterson: (getting the keys to the pickup truck and tossing them to Vladimir) You'll drive.

Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear. (to the others) You guys just stay put, okay? Even though the police are no longer looking for you, Horne's people could be.

Vinnie: Yeah, yeah. Sure.

(Vladimir and Winterson leave.)

Vinnie: Oh, uhhh, I think I left my hat out in the grain storage barn. I'll be back.

Max: Okay, Vinnie.

(We follow Vinnie out of the house. After he closes the door...)

Vinnie: Hah-hah-hah. Suckers.

(Vinnie bolts through the fields and "borrows" another pickup truck. Checking to make sure Vladimir and Winterson have already left the property, and that no one else sees him, he drives it to the gate. There are two cleaners guarding the gate. They stop him.)

Cleaner #1: Where are you going?

Vinnie: What? I'm goin' into town to pick up some groceries for the others!

Cleaner #1: All right. Sorry. I have to ask. Gotta make sure we know where everyone is at all times. Vlad's orders.

Vinnie: Yeah, okay. No problem. See ya later.

(The cleaner waves him by, and Vinnie drives off the property.)

(Flatbush Ave., Brooklyn, about an hour later)

(We see the pickup park in a garage across the street from a slightly run-down high-rise apartment building. We see Vinnie get out – he is disguised, this time as a tourist from Texas. He is wearing cowboy boots, jeans (not his usual designer jeans, though), an "I ♥ NY" T-shirt, and a cowboy hat. He looks stupid!)

Vinnie: (confessional) I hate wearing these disguises. I feel like such a tool. But I gotta at least stay hidden. Yeah, I coulda just done what Woden said and stayed outta New York, but I promised A.J. I'd keep comin' by to see her.

(Vinnie goes up to the front door of the building. He presses the buzzer for A.J.'s apartment.)

A.J.: (over intercom) Who is it?

Vinnie: (trying to do a Texas accent) Yeah, this here's Billy Bob from UPS. I got this here package for a Miss Allison Jean Anderson.

A.J.: Who's it from?

Vinnie: Uhhh, it's from a Vincent... uhh, I cain't read the last name. Maybe you can help me.

A.J.: (after a brief pause) Okay, come on up.

(The door unlocks, and Vinnie goes in. He goes up to the fifth floor and goes to apartment 5G, A.J.'s apartment. He knocks on the door.)

A.J.: (from inside) Coming!

(After a few moments, the door opens, and we see A.J., dressed casually, wearing house slippers.)

A.J.: Oh, hello. Are you Billy Bob?

Vinnie: (whispering, speaking normally) Not _exactly_.

(A.J. takes a closer look. She soon realizes who it is.)

A.J.: (also whispering) Vinnie! How are you?

Vinnie: Good. Can I come in for a bit? Just wanna lie low.

A.J.: Sure. Come right in.

(A.J. leads Vinnie into her apartment, then quickly closes the door behind him. The apartment is full of posters, computers, software, drawings, and designs.)

Vinnie: Are these your drawings? They're really nice.

A.J.: (smiling) Thanks.

Vinnie: Listen, as long as we keep a low profile, I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me.

A.J.: Ummm, sure. I guess that'd be okay. Is that why you're wearing that stuff?

Vinnie: Yeah, it is. I still can't afford to be recognized.

A.J.: So are you enjoying having to wear that stuff?

Vinnie: No way. I hate dressing up like such a s(bleep)tkicker. I wanna wear my old threads again.

A.J.: I see.

Vinnie: Well, I'm ready to go whenever you are.

A.J.: Well, can I change my clothes first?

Vinnie: Uhh, yeah, sure.

(A.J. disappears into her bedroom, then comes out a few minutes later. She is wearing comfortable jeans and a tight-fitting cotton shirt.)

A.J.: Okay, I'm ready.

Vinnie: You look nice. But then, you always do.

A.J.: (blushing) Oh, stop, Vinnie.

Vinnie: Let's go.

(We see Vinnie, dressed in his "touristy" clothes and wearing his cowboy hat, taking A.J. all over the city and the two of them doing various things together. They hang out at Coney Island and ride the rides, sit on the grass in the park, share ice cream cones, and get their pictures taken together in a booth. Vinnie removes his hat inside the booth, since there is a curtain, so you can better see his face in the pictures. We eventually see them sitting on a park bench watching passers-by.)

Vinnie: Hey, A.J.! I just got an idea: how about I take you to meet my grandmother?

A.J.: Your... grandmother?

Vinnie: Yeah. She actually lives just down the street from you. You should meet her. She's incredible.

A.J.: Really?

Vinnie: Yeah. She's 95, but she doesn't show any signs of slowin' down anytime soon. And man, can she cook. So how 'bout it?

A.J.: Uhhh... sure. That'll be fine, I guess.

Vinnie: (confessional) I just wanted to say that I don't just take anyone to meet my grandma. Only people that are special to me... I guess that means that A.J.'s special to me. The thing is: my grandma was the one that raised me for most of my childhood. My mother died when I was around 10, of a drug overdose, and my real father left shortly after I was born – or so I'm told. Ma didn't really treat me very well when she was alive – she was too busy getting high.

But I guess that's another story. My grandma sure loved me though. It didn't matter how bad I was – and man was I a bad kid. Y'know, one of the kids that spent more time in the principal's office than in class. But grandma never gave up on me. That's probably what I most admire about her.

(Flatbush Ave., Brooklyn, late afternoon)

(We see Vinnie and A.J. getting out of a taxi and going up to the front of another run-down high-rise.)

Vinnie: As I was sayin' before, A.J., my grandmother's an incredible person. I don't know how anyone could find the time to do half the stuff she's involved in, and at her age to boot.

A.J.: Wow. She sounds really interesting.

Vinnie: Yeah, and real sweet too. One thing, though: she speaks almost no English, so I'm gonna have to translate for you guys. But you'll like her, though, no question.

(Vinnie rings one of the buzzers. Soon we hear an elderly woman come in over the intercom.)

Old Woman: Chi lo è? (Translation: "Who is it?")

Vinnie: Nonna? Me è, Vincenzo. ("Grandma? It's me, Vincenzo.")

Old Woman (Vinnie's grandmother): Vincenzo! È stato un tempo cosí lungo! È venuto per favore su su! ("Vinnie! It's been such a long time! Please, come on up!")

(We hear the buzzer, and Vinnie opens the door, holding it for A.J. He leads her up to the third floor and to an apartment labeled 3D. He knocks on the door. Soon it opens up to reveal his grandmother – a small dark-skinned elderly lady, wearing thick glasses and tattered clothing, with a white woolly shawl. She seems to move about the house with very little trouble for her age.)

Vinnie: Nonna! (kisses his grandmother on the cheek)

Vinnie's grandmother: Vincenzo! Come bello per vederlo ancora. È stato la maniera troppo lunga. ("Vincenzo! How lovely to see you again. It's been way too long.")

Vinnie: Similmente. ("Likewise.")

Vinnie's grandmother: (pointing to A.J.) E chi è questa signora bella? ("And who is this lovely lady?")

Vinnie: Nonna, questo è A.J. È amico di miniera che dato per un mentre adesso. ("Grandma, this is A.J. She's a friend of mine that I've been dating for a while now.") (to A.J.) A.J., this is my grandmother, Carlotta di Ciccolella.

A.J.: (shaking Vinnie's grandmother's hand) Nice to meet you. Vinnie's told me so many wonderful things about you.

Vinnie: (translating what A.J. just said) Dice che è soddisfatta per incontrarlo e che gli ho detto molte cose buone di lei... che ho. ("... which I have.")

Vinnie's grandmother: È piacevole per incontrarlo anche, A.J. (whispering to Vinnie) Tenere su a questo - è custode. ("Hold on to this one – she's a keeper.")

Vinnie: (giggling a bit) Oh ferma, Nonna! Lei me fanno arrossisce! ("Oh stop, Grandma! You're making me blush!")

A.J.: What did she just say?

Vinnie: Oh, ahh, just that it's lovely to meet you too.

Vinnie's grandmother: Farà lei e A.J. è stare per la cena? Faccio il pizziola di bistecca. ("Will you and A.J. be staying for dinner? I'm making steak pizziola.")

Vinnie: (eyes lit up) Va bene! Pizziola di bistecca! Mio preferito! Chiederò A.J. ("All right! Steak pizziola! My favorite! I'll ask A.J.") (turns to A.J.) A.J., my grandma has just invited us to stay for dinner. Would you like to join me?

A.J.: Ummm... sure. That'll be nice.

Vinnie: Nonna, A.J. dice che amerebbe stare. ("Grandma, A.J. says that she would love to stay.")

Vinnie's grandmother: Come bello! Andare il bucato su. La cena sarà pronta brevemente. ("How lovely! Go wash up. Dinner will be ready shortly.")

Vinnie: Sì, Nonna. ("Yes, grandma.")

(Vinnie's grandmother's apartment, about thirty minutes later)

(We see Vinnie, A.J., and Vinnie's grandmother seated at a small dinner table, enjoying a feast of steak pizziola, angel hair pasta, made-from-scratch focaccia bread, and red wine. The three all chat while they eat, taking their time.)

Vinnie's grandmother: Dunque A.J., che lei ha detto lei fa?

Vinnie: She asks what you do, A.J.

A.J.: Well, right now I work as a waitress at Casa di Angelo, but I want to start my own web design firm eventually.

Vinnie: (translating) Proprio ora lavora come una cameriera a Casa di Angelo, ma vuole cominciare la sua propria tela disegna gli affari.

Vinnie's grandmother: Ciò è piacevole, ma non uso quelli. Disegno appena tutti i siti web mie. ("That's nice, but I don't use those. I just design all my web sites myself.")

Vinnie: (smiling a bit sheepishly) She says, uh, that that's a good field to get into.

(A.J. notices a large picture on one of the walls of Vinnie's grandmother, skiing in the Alps.)

A.J.: Oh! You ski, Ms. Di Ciccolella?

Vinnie: A.J. informa del suo sciare. Penso che ha notato l'immagine. ("A.J. is asking about your skiing. I think she noticed the picture.")

Vinnie's grandmother: Oh sì! Quella foto è stato portata l'ultimo inverno, quando ho vinto il Pensionato Aperto in Svizzera. ("Oh yes! That photo was taken last winter, when I won the Senior Citizen's Open in Switzerland.")

Vinnie: She says that the photo was taken when she won the Senior Citizen's Open ski tournament in Switzerland.

A.J.: (whispering) Wow! You were right. She is amazing.

(The foyer, Vinnie's grandmother's apartment, about an hour later.)

(Night is falling as we see Vinnie and A.J. leaving, saying goodbye to his grandmother on the way out. The camera follows as they exit the apartment and go down the stairs. Vinnie puts his hat back on shortly before they go out the front door of the building. Vinnie then proceeds to walk A.J. home.)

Vinnie: So A.J., did ya have fun today?

A.J.: Uh-huh. You're grandma seems really nice.

Vinnie: Yeah, she is. She walks almost everywhere she goes, and wherever she can't walk to, she just takes the Harley.

A.J.: Wow! I hope I get around half as much when I'm old and gray.

Vinnie: Me too.

(The two arrive at A.J.'s building. They share a brief kiss before A.J. goes inside. Vinnie walks across the street towards the parking garage where the pickup truck is parked.)

Vinnie: (confessional) I better get back. The rest of the group probably knows something is up, now that it's gettin' dark.

(Vinnie enters the garage, goes to where the truck is parked, gets in, and drives away. We follow him as he drives. He passes through Manhattan on his way back to the Winterson farm. He stops at a stop light and looks toward his left, towards a huge corporate plaza. He notices a limo stopping in front of the plaza. Out of the limo steps... Nicole Horne! She is flanked by several killer suits, a couple of them with a man in tow. The man is wearing a dark hood over his head. They quickly enter the main building, before anyone can notice them. Vinnie, however, sees this. He also notices the name out in front of the plaza: "Aesir Incorporated.")

Vinnie: (confessional) Oh my god! That was that Nicole Horne broad! I had a feeling that she'd come back to New York. And I'll bet that guy those suits were pulling at was the President... Well, I guess I'm gonna have to fess up about being in the city – the gang probably figured it out anyway. But I gotta tell Woden about this, and the rest of the group.

MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode of "The Real World": What will Horne do now that she's back in the city? And what will the gang do about it? And the gang holds an intervention, for Max? All this and more, on the next episode of "The Real World."

Well, hope this was worth the wait. As usual, please R&R!


	25. Commercial Break 4

Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, The Real World, or anything having to do with either of the two. Rockstar owns MP, and MTV owner The Real World.

This is not a real company – just made up. And this is not a real presidential candidate - just made up as well.

Remember when the group got arrested and the killer suit handed a piece of paper to Kaufman, telling what the group had to do to get out of jail? Well, this is what the group would have had to do...

MTV Announcer: The Real World will return after this commercial break.

(The house, Manhattan, afternoon)

(We see the gang standing in line, each reading from the teleprompter one by one, and looking like they're doing it too. They are very unenthusiastic in what they say, like they don't want to be doing it, but are there out of obligation.)

Max: Buy Aesir brand products.

Mona: Aesir products rock.

Annie: Aesir products will make you feel _good_.

Mike: And Aesir is a wonderful company.

Vinnie: (forced cheesy grin) I don't know what products Aesir Incorporated sells, but they have lots of money, so they _must_ be good.

Lisa: Nicole Horne, who owns Aesir Incorporated, is a really nice and talented person, and beautiful.

Kaufman: I think Nicole Horne should run for President. I'd vote for her.

Everyone: Buy Aesir, and vote Horne.

(Cut to a photo of Nicole Horne, superimposed over an American flag fluttering in the wind.)

Nicole Horne (VO): I'm Nicole Horne, and I approve this campaign ad.

Announcer (VO, rapidly): Paid for by Aesir Incorporated and the Committee to Elect Nicole Horne for President and End Democracy.


	26. Episode XXI

Disclaimers: Don't own this stuff. Rockstar and MTV do.

Fiction, not fact.

A/N: Three more episodes left after this one...

And now, Episode XXI of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Lisa: of seven strangers...

Mona: picked to live on a farm...

Kaufman: and have their lives taped.

Vinnie: Find out what happens...

Annie: when people stop being polite...

Mike: and start being real...

Everyone: The Real World: The Boonies!

(Just down the street from the Winterson farm, sundown)

(We see Vinnie, driving at breakneck speed in the "borrowed" pickup truck trying to get back to the farm, still wearing his touristy clothes. He has a look of worry on his face.)

Vinnie: (confessional) If I'm careful, maybe I can sneak in without raising any suspicion. But then... that'll be up when I tell Woden and Vlad about what I saw. Hmmm... might as well slow down – the jig's up anyway.

(Vinnie pulls in to the front gate, checking in with the cleaners first. He then parks the truck back where he found it. He then walks towards the house. Along the way, he sees the truck that Vladimir and Winterson took to shop for the baby furniture.)

Vinnie: (confessional) Well, I guess Vlad and Winterson are back. I guess I gotta face them too. This blows, but how else am I gonna tell everyone about Horne?

(Vinnie enters the front door. Inside we see the gang lounging around: Max, Kaufman, and Mike are playing cards, while Mona, Lisa, and Annie are watching a chick flick (A/N: No offense, ladies!). Vladimir is in another room nearby, putting together a crib for the baby, with Winterson looking over his shoulder and basically giving him a hard time. Woden is in the study, Mildred is cooking dinner, and Cooter is in the dining room, reading a farming magazine. Everyone in the living room notices as soon as Vinnie enters.)

Max: Gee, Vinnie, that sure took a long time. What happened? Did you find that hat, or did you decide to buy a new one, along with some tourist attire?

Vinnie: Yeah, real funny, Payne. All right, I lied. I didn't really go out to find my hat.

Everyone within earshot: (sarcastically) NO!

Vinnie: Yeah, yeah, gig's up. I'm caught. Boo-hoo. I went to the city to see A.J.

Max: Hmm... this seems too easy. Easy always comes with a price. So what are you up to, Vinnie?

Vinnie: I ain't up to anything. But I do have something to say, and you might wanna call the others in here. Or at least, Woden and Vlad.

Annie: I'll get 'em.

(Annie leaves, and returns a few moments later with Woden, Vladimir, and Winterson, who sit down.)

Vladimir: Now, what happened that was so important that you had to leave the farm, go back to the city, and put us all in danger?

Vinnie: First of all, Vlad, I was disguised when I was in the city, and I kept a low profile, so no one saw me. And second of all, I saw it on the way back here.

Winterson: Saw what, Vinnie?

Vinnie: (taking a deep breath) Horne. I saw Horne. She's come back to the city. And it looks like she's got the President with her.

(Everyone is surprised.)

Woden: Where wasss thissss?

Vinnie: It was in Manhattan. I was driving through there on the way back, and I was stopped at a traffic light. I looked to my left, and there was this big corporate plaza. It said "Aesir Incorporated" out front. Then I saw a limo pull up, and Horne get out. Then a few guys in suits got out with somebody wearing a hood over his head in tow. My guess is that was the President.

Vladimir: Good god! You'd better pray that they didn't see you.

Vinnie: I was at least fifty feet away, and I was wearing these clothes, and a cowboy hat. If they saw me and recognized me, then they must be psychic or somethin'.

Woden: I know where the Aesir Plaza isssss. It'sssss at 132 Wall Ssstreet. Hmm... if we can get thissss info out to the police in a timely manner, then maybe we can reduce the rissssk of being disssscovered. I'll give it to my contact at the FBI. He can circulate it while keeping ussss anonymousssss.

Max: Okay. Sounds like a winning thoroughbred pony to me. (to Vinnie) But _you_ have to promise me that you will stay here until this blows over. Please, I'm begging you like a dog wanting treats: DO NOT LEAVE THIS FARM!

Vinnie: (thinks for a second, then sighs) All right, Payne. I'll stay here. I promise.

Max: Thanks, Vinnie. Now if everyone will excuse me, the lunch I ate earlier this afternoon is coming to the end of its long tedious journey through my bowels. And it's anxious to make its exit. I'll be back in about 15 minutes.

(Max leaves, as well as Woden, going to the study to give the info to his FBI contact. Vladimir also leaves, to continue putting together the crib. In the kitchen, Max whispers to Vladimir on his way to the bathroom.)

Max: Tell the cleaners not to let Vinnie leave the premises, no matter what the circumstances.

Vladimir: I'm way ahead of you, Max.

(Meanwhile, back in the living room)

Mona: Okay, not only was that too much info from Max, but he seems to be talking in metaphors even more than usual lately.

Mike: I agree. Why can't he just get to the point?

Annie: It's a wonder anyone even understands what the hell he's sayin'.

Winterson: You have no idea. Those of us on the force that have had to work with him usually have to get a translator to figure out what he's talking about. And of course, in our line of work, we have to be clear on things.

Lisa: Could he have, like, some kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder?

Kaufman: It could be an addiction.

Winterson: Actually, you might be right, Kaufman. Max spoke in metaphors a little bit when I first knew him, but as time went on, he spoke that way more and more.

Vinnie: So what are we gonna do?

Mona: I'll try talking to him about it. I'm sorta his girl, so he's gotta listen to me.

Winterson: Okay. If that doesn't work, then we'll try something else. But let's hope it won't come to that. Just remember one thing: be nice about it. Don't act angry or threatening – it'll just push the guy further into his addiction. Trust me – I've talked to people with one type of addiction or another before, and that's how I know this.

Mona: I know. I have too.

Annie: Good luck, Mona.

Mona: Thanks.

(Mona leaves the room, walks up to the bathroom, where Max is still holed up, with the door closed. She knocks on it.)

Max: (from inside) Stop banging on the door like a Buddy Rich solo, all right? I'll be out in a moment!

Mona: Max? It's me. I need to talk to you when you're done.

Max: All right, I'll be out in a minute. (to himself, thinking Mona is out of earshot) Hmm, it's like I swallowed a corn cob whole, and I didn't even have any corn.

Mona: (confessional) Good god, that has to be the grossest thing I've ever heard out of Max! I hope this doesn't come up again.

(We soon hear the toilet flush, and the running of water as Max washes his hands. Afterwards, he finally opens the door. Mona is waiting a few paces away.)

Max: So what did you wanna talk about, Mona?

Mona: Max, let's go in the bedroom.

Max: The bedroom? I'm flattered that you want to get intimate now, but it's a bit sudden, like walking in your own neighborhood only to hit a brick wall you never knew was there.

(Mona leads Max into one of the bedrooms. She sits him down on the bed, then closes the door and sits in a chair across from him.)

Max: So what is it, Mona?

Mona: (nervously) Max, you know that I'm your friend, right? And so are the others.

Max: Uhh, yeah. Why?

Mona: Well... I don't know how to say this any other way, so I'm just gonna come out and say it, because I care about you. Max... I think you need to quit talking the way you do.

Max: (puzzled) What's wrong with the way I talk? It's as normal as a lesson in English literature.

Mona: There! That's it! "Normal as a lesson in English literature?" First of all, speaking in similes and metaphors is annoying. Second of all, it doesn't help get your point across, and in most cases it hinders it. Third of all, no one can understand what you're saying. And fourth of all, no normal person talks like that. Think about it – have you ever met anyone who talks like you do in everyday conversation?

Max: No. So what? It's a free country. I can talk any way I want to.

Mona: So why don't you talk normally, if you can talk any way you want to? (pause to hear from Max, but he says nothing) I'll tell you, then. It's because you're addicted. You're addicted to similes and metaphors.

Max: No! No way! I am NOT addicted! I can stop anytime, like the brakes on a Mack truck!

Mona: (smiling a bit) So why don't you? Right there. Why couldn't you have just said "I can stop anytime" and be done with it? I _really think_ you might have a problem.

Max: (angry) I'm not the one with the problem! (picks up a vase and throws it against the wall, close to Mona.) YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM!!!

(Mona is shocked at Max's behavior. Holding back tears, she quickly runs out of the room. Max then realizes what he's done.)

Max: (shouting after her) Mona, wait! Please! I'm sorry!

(Mona doesn't come back. Max buries his head in his hands, ashamed. Meanwhile, out in the hall, everyone else has heard. Vladimir meets Mona in the hallway, while everyone else waits in the kitchen.)

Vladimir: Mona? What happened? I heard yelling and something break.

Winterson: (approaching Mona and Vladimir) I guess it didn't go so well, huh Mona?

Mona: (still holding back tears) No, it didn't.

Winterson: I don't know if you noticed, Vlad, but Max has been using metaphors and similes even more than usual. We talked about it a little while ago, and Mona decided to talk to him about it. But I guess he wouldn't hear of it.

Vladimir: Yes. I've noticed that about Max since day one. I just didn't say anything because I just figured it was a little quirk of his.

Mona: So what do we do now?

Winterson: Well... I guess we're gonna have to have an intervention.

Mona: Really?

Winterson: Yes. We need to get everyone together, and possibly call some others over. It will be harder for him to deny his addiction if he hears about it from a group of people.

Vladimir: Good idea.

Mona: So who's gonna lead it?

Winterson: Vlad, why don't you lead it? You seem to be good at leading things, and to have a presence that commands respect.

Vladimir: Wow, Winterson. Thanks. That's probably the highest praise I've ever received from you.

Winterson: Right. We'll do it tomorrow afternoon.

Vladimir: I'll go talk to Woden. See if I can convince him to let me call a couple of Max's friends to come out here.

Winterson: Okay. Then, it's back to putting that crib together.

Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear. (leaves)

Winterson: Don't worry, Mona. I have a feeling that this will work out just fine.

Mona: I'm... okay. Really. (pause) But thanks for helping.

Winterson: No problem.

(The bunk house, early afternoon)

(We see Max, waking up to find that it is raining outside. He looks around – there is no one around!)

Max: Hmmm, that's odd.

(Max gets dressed and goes outside. He looks off in the distance at the house. He sees several cars parked out in front of it, and he sees that the lights are on in the living room, and many people are gathered. He goes up towards the house and enters it. Upon entering the living room, he sees everyone there: the gang, Vladimir, Winterson, Woden, Cooter, and Mildred. In addition he also sees Jim Bravura and Alex Balder.)

Max: Jim? Alex? What are all these people doing here? (noticing everyone's solemn faces) It's as if I'm showing up to my own funeral.

(Everyone except Cooter sits down. Cooter has his shotgun with him, and he closes the door separating the living room from the kitchen. He stands by the door, apparently to keep Max from running.)

Vladimir: Max, can you sit down, please?

Max: (sitting) What's going on here?

Vladimir: Max... I called all of these people here... to talk to you about your simile and metaphor addiction.

Max: (surprised) What? Mona, did you put everyone up to this?

Vladimir: No. Winterson and I put this whole thing together. We've been worried about you, Max, and you need to listen to everyone as they tell you so.

Max: Look, Mona, if this is about last night, I'm sorry about that. I don't know what came over me.

Mona: I do: denial. Denial is what pushed you over the edge.

Vladimir: And that is why we are all here today: to convince you that you have a problem and that you need help.

(Max contemplates leaving the room, but sees Cooter, cocking the hammer on his shotgun.)

Cooter: Don't you go nowhere, boy, or I'll give you two extra belly buttons.

(Max sighs and sits down in a chair set up in the middle of the room.)

Vladimir: Now, we're going to go around the room. Each one of us is going to give a specific example of how you're addiction to metaphors and similes has hurt them. And all that I want you to do is listen to them, and not interrupt. Okay?

Max: Yeah. Sure. I'm a good listener.

Vladimir: Thank you. Mona, why don't you start?

Mona: (takes a deep breath) I remember the night we came home from the Country & Western bar, after Mike returned. It was after we had become intimate. I wanted to talk afterwards, but you kept babbling comparing everything to flowers and dogs and other stuff that had nothing to do with the topic at hand. I couldn't understand a word you were saying, and suddenly the sex wasn't that great.

Max: (becoming defensive) You tell me this _now_? After all this...

Vladimir: (cutting in) Ah-ah-ah. Max. No interrupting.

Max: Sorry.

Mona: What I meant was, the mechanics were good, but you're speaking in a manner that I couldn't understand left me feeling distant from you, and there was no intimacy as a result.

(Mona finishes and sits down. Bravura goes next.)

Bravura: I remember reading a report that you had written once regarding a case I had assigned to you. Your sentences were almost completely indiscernible. At first I thought that you had been drinking. In fact that's the real reason I called you into my office afterward.

Max: You mean it wasn't to show off your new hat.

Bravura: No. It was to smell you, and to watch your coordination. When I saw that you weren't drunk, I sent you on your way, but not until after I asked you to clarify what you had written.

(Bravura finishes and sits down. Kaufman goes next.)

Kaufman: One night we were playing dominoes in the bedroom when we were still in Manhattan, and almost all of your sentences contained metaphors. They made those sentences incredibly long, and held up the game. Real dominoes is a fast-paced game, and your long-winded conversation ruined it. And I can't stand that, since I take the game very seriously.

Max: (again defensive) Well maybe if you _didn't_ take the game so seriously, you wouldn't have been so irritable about it.

Kaufman: (equally defensive) And who are _you_ to talk? You just _had _to beat me at that game, and wouldn't...

Vladimir: All right, that's enough out of both of you! Max, _stop interrupting_. And Kaufman, we need to be nice, and caring in the way we present ourselves. No yelling, no name-calling, and no arguments. Okay?

Max: Sorry.

Kaufman: Sorry. I guess I'm finished.

(Kaufman sits down. Alex stands up.)

Alex: I remember when you called me up inviting me to the party, and were giving me directions. I had no idea what you were saying. You spent more time talking about dark forests, roadrunners, and race cars than you did telling me which way to turn and what street to get on. I ended up all the way up in the Bronx, and nearly got mugged. I had to pull my gun to get the guy to leave, and even then it took some doing. Once I got someplace safe, I called the house again. Luckily someone else answered – I think it was Mona – and she gave me better directions.

Max: (after seeing that Alex is finished) Alex. I had no idea. I'm sorry.

Vladimir: Okay, Max, okay. Let's let everyone have their turn first, then you can talk. All right?

Max: (solemn) Okay.

(Alex sits down. Annie goes next.)

Annie: I remember at the funeral, when we all thought Mike was dead, when we were all giving the speeches. You got up and right away, started spewing metaphors left and right. Any other place, any other time, and I might notta minded so much, but it was a eulogy, and not the place to speak so casually in ways that no one could understand. It really made me uncomfortable, and while I realize that it may not have been your intention, I took it as an insult, seein' as how I was close to Mike.

(Annie sits down. We see Max looking quite ashamed of himself. Mike goes next.)

Mike: I remember the first day we all met, back when Vladimir and Winterson were still part of the group. You compared my cowboy hat to "an oversized balloon in a one-float parade the day after Thanksgiving." I know that you are a nice-guy and did not mean to, but that really hurt my feelings. I take great pride in the way that I dress, so that comparison really hurt.

(Mike finishes. Max feels even worse. Winterson stands up.)

Winterson: I remember one day when you were filling me in on a case you were working on. You were spouting some indiscernible babble, and it resulted in me arresting a Boy Scout who was in the middle of helping an old lady across the street. That poor boy nearly got sent to prison for 30 years, and that poor old lady nearly got run over by a semi... all because you couldn't just get to the point. You are a cop, so you should know the value of clear and concise information, and what happens when information is not clear... That's all I'm going to say.

(Winterson sits down. Max looks even more ashamed. Vinnie goes next.)

Vinnie: Once we were all riding in a limo on our way to a club. You were trying to guide the limo driver, but you kept spouting off some inane babble about wood paths and darkness, instead of just telling the driver when to turn... As a result, we got in a wreck. Bad too. The driver ended up running into a telephone pole, and the limo was nearly cut in half. (sobbing a bit, remembering) I saw the freakin' Grim Reaper waitin' for me, and man, was he ugly. (sighs) Payne, you're a freakin' cop – you're supposed to know the streets well, and be helpful in giving directions to others.

(Vinnie sits down, shaking from the memory of his little scare. Lisa goes next.)

Lisa: By the end of my first day with the group, I thought you were a schizophrenic, the way you kept talking. Every third sentence of yours contained some kind of simile or metaphor. I couldn't understand you, and it really made me nervous. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt, but the way you were acting made me think that you had escaped from a mental hospital. I was worried that you were going to kill everyone around you in a fit of insanity. (sighs) I guess that's all I can say.

(Lisa sits down. Max looks like he just wants to die by now. Woden goes next.)

Woden: Thissss whole ssssituation with Nicole Horne requires ussss to work together very closssely. Which meansss that you will have to be a team player. If you are going to be a team player, then you musssst be willing to give up thissss annoying habit of yourssss – thisss annoying way of talking.

Max: (under his breath) At least my voice doesn't sound like I ran over a nail.

Woden: What!?

Max: Uhhh, nothing. Please continue.

Woden: That'ssss all I have to ssssay.

(Woden sits down. Mildred goes next.)

Mildred: That vase you broke last night was a family heirloom. It's been in my family since the days of my great-great-grandma, and now it's gone.

(Mildred sits down. Max sighs in shame once again.)

Vladimir: Cooter?

Cooter: I ain't got nothin' to say.

Vladimir: Well, then, I guess everyone's said their piece. Max, would you like to say anything now?

Max: (after a long pause) My god. I had no idea... how much my way of talking has hurt you guys. (buries his head in his hands and starts sobbing) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. _I'm sorry_.

Vladimir: (putting his hand on Max's shoulder) There there, Max. We all came here for one reason and one reason only: to help you. But first, I need you to answer one question for everyone, and I need you to be totally honest. Are you ready to be rid of your addiction?

(Max thinks for a long moment. He finally breathes out a sigh, then answers.)

Max: Yes.

(The others applaud. Vladimir smiles.)

Vladimir: Good. Very good. You've just taken the first step towards recovery. Now, I am going to give you a card. It has the name, address, and phone number of a local chapter of a group, and I think that you should attend their meetings. They will surely be able to help you overcome your addiction. On the back is the day and time for the meetings.

Max: (taking the card from Vladimir) Thank you.

Vladimir: And remember, we're here for you too.

Everyone: (at random) Yeah... We are... Sure...

Max: Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming over and seeing me. Once again, I'm sorry for how much I've hurt you guys.

(Mona gets up and walks over to Max, smiling. She touches his shoulder.)

Mona: It's okay, Max. You're forgiven.

Winterson: She's right. We're all just glad that you've seen the light, and that you've admitted to your addiction. You're already on the road to recovery.

(Max and the rest get up. They all exchange hugs and handshakes.)

(The local community center, in town, early the next evening)

(We see Max passing through the lobby and entering a small room off to the side. There is a small group of people either seated or finding their seats. In the front of the room, on a low riser, is a podium with a microphone. There is a man nearby, making preparations. We then see a sign at the bottom of the risers. It reads: "Metaphors and Similes Anonymous." Max soon finds his seat, and within minutes, the man who was setting up near the podium goes up to it and begins speaking.)

Man at podium: Okay, if everyone's here, and it looks like they are, we'll go ahead and get started.

(Everyone quiets down as the man speaks.)

Man at podium (Chuck): Hi. My name's Chuck, and this is MSA, or Metaphors and Similes Anonymous. (noticing Max) And I can see that we have a new face here tonight, so if he feels up to it, then how about we let him introduce himself.

(Chuck and the others wait for Max to introduce himself. After a long silence, Max finally works up the courage to speak.)

Max: Hi. My name is Max Payne...

Everyone: _Hi Max!_

(Max chuckles a bit, because it wasn't what he was expecting. He then continues.)

Max: My name is Max Payne, I'm a New York City cop... and I'm a metaphor addict.

Chuck: Then congratulations, Max. You've taken the first step to recovery: admitting that you have a problem. Would you like to share with the group what exactly brought you here?

Max: Sure, I guess. Yesterday afternoon, a group of my friends had an intervention on my behalf. Through that, I realized how much of a problem I had talking in metaphors, and how much it has affected those that I cared about. My manner of speaking has caused me to be mistaken for drunk, and mistaken for schizophrenic. It has hurt people's feelings, caused physical injury, caused car accidents, and even almost resulted in a Boy Scout being falsely imprisoned. The intervention itself happened because my girlfriend tried to talk to me about my problem... (tears welling up in his eyes) and I threw a vase at her.

(Max is fighting not to cry. A man gets up from his chair and goes over to Max. He is a very hard-nosed gruff man, wearing a brown trench coat and a hat. He looks an awful lot like Sam Spade (from The Maltese Falcon). His nametag even reads: "SAM." The man puts his hand on Max's shoulder.)

Sam: I've been in exactly the same boat you've been in. I've done all those things and worse, my friend.

Chuck: He's right. Sam here's been a member of this group for years. He had gotten to a point where he couldn't finish a sentence without resorting to some bit of indiscernible poetry. But someone cared enough to bring him to this group, and with its help, he overcame his problem, and now he's been simile and metaphor free for almost ten years.

Sam: Right. Not to mention that great feeling of satisfaction I get from helping others overcome it in the same way that these guys have helped me.

Max: Wow! Thanks, Sam. I feel better, knowing that I'm not alone in this.

Sam: That's right, and don't you ever forget that.

(The Winterson Farm, later that evening)

(The gang, Vladimir, and Winterson are lounging around. Max walks in momentarily.)

Mona: Hey, Max.

Vladimir: Max. So how was the meeting?

Max: It was great. I think I'm gonna be doing a lot better from now on, thanks to my new friends at the group, and to you guys, and to the producer.

Winterson: The producer?

Max: Yeah. I've worked out a deal with the producer that will help me make the transition from Metaphor addicted to metaphor free.

Max: (confessional) I wasn't lying. I really did make a deal with the producer. I'll no longer be using metaphors and similes in my conversations with the others, but I'll be allowed to use them in the confessionals on a limited basis. That way, the void in my psyche that the metaphors leave behind won't be too great for me to fill. Also, I'll gradually use them less and less, and hopefully in about a month, I'll be completely metaphor and simile free.

MTV Announcer: Coming up, on our next episode... What will become of Horne and her crew, now that we know where they are? Will the gang ever get to return to New York City? And will Max succeed in overcoming his metaphor addiction? Find out all this and more, on the next episode of... "The Real World."

Okay, hope this wasn't too long. Of course, please, please, PLEASE R&R :-)


	27. Episode XXII

Disclaimers: Y'know 'em. Don't own this stuff – Rockstar and MTV do.

Fiction, not fact. Any similarities... yadda, yadda yadda...

Okay, sorry it took so long to get this updated, but I've been SUPER busy. But here it is: episode XXII of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Mona: of seven strangers...

Mike: picked to live in a house...

Vinnie: and have their lives taped.

Annie: Find out what happens...

Lisa: when people stop being polite...

Kaufman: and start being real...

Everyone: The Real World: New York!

(The Winterson farm, late afternoon)

(We see the gang, as well as Vladimir and Winterson, lounging around in the living room. It is just after they have finished the chores for the day.)

Max: Man, that was some day today, wasn't it?

Vinnie: Ya got that right. I ain't hurt this much since that first morning we were out in the field.

Kaufman: We sure put out some grain, though.

Vladimir: Yes, we did. I think the farm's going to make tons of money this harvest season.

Winterson: We got a lot of milk out of the cows today too, didn't we?

Mona: I'll say. Though I think Lisa could've done without getting kicked in the face by that cow.

(Cut to a shot of Lisa, who is icing down a gigantic hoof-shaped bruise on her face. She looks heartbroken at the fact that her pretty face is all messed up. She nods at Mona's comment.)

Lisa: (confessional) I swear, I'm getting sick of those damn cows. And now one goes and messes up my face that I spent thousands of my husband's dollars on. Well, I'm tellin' ya one thing: one more animal gives me s(bleep)t, I'm gonna grab that shotgun of Cooter's and feed it to it, shells first.

Winterson: Just keep ice on it, Lisa. It should be completely gone in about two days.

Annie: Mike had himself a little scare today too.

Max: Really? What happened, Mike?

Mike: Oh, nothing. Just got thrown off the horse.

Winterson: Thrown off the horse? Good god, that ain't nothing. It's what put Christopher Reeve in a wheelchair.

Mike: I'll be fine, though. My bum is just a little sore.

Annie: (confessional) Mike just _had_ to try and jump his horse over the fence, cause he saw John Wayne do it in a movie. I guess he didn't quite have one of his feet in the stirrup, and he lost his balance and fell. The horse made it, surprisingly.

Lisa: Y'know, we haven't done something together as a group in quite a while. We oughtta do that.

Vladimir: Wow, I'm glad you brought that up, Lisa. Because there's a local bar just down the road from this farm. Winterson and I have gone down there on a few occasions, and even Cooter and Mildred go once in a while.

Mona: Yeah, but we oughtta do something else besides that. Y'know, something more original.

Vladimir: Yes, Mona, I was just getting to that. Tomorrow night they are having a dance competition.

Winterson: Those are fun. Vlad and I would enter, but of course... (pats her tummy) this little one's kinda in the way.

Max: Hmmm, this sounds like fun. Like... (stops abruptly)

Mona: Like _what_, Max?

Max: Like... fun... yeah...

Max: (confessional) Whew! Caught myself just in the nick of time. I was wondering how long it would take before I got tempted to use a simile again.

Annie: Yeah. That is a good idea.

Mike: Hey Annie. We'd better go get started practicing if we're going to do well at the competition.

Mona: Let's go, Max. I've got a ton of ideas for our number.

Max: Sure. But nothing too rough, okay? Let's not forget I'm in my forties.

Mona: Oh quit worrying. You'll be fine.

Vladimir: Vinnie?

Vinnie: Yeah, I'll enter, but there's only one partner I'm dancin' with. And I think ya know who that is.

Vladimir: Well... let's talk to Woden about it. I'm sure we can all work something out.

Winterson: (to Kaufman and Lisa) What about you guys?

Kaufman: But I don't have a partner.

Lisa: (playfully slapping his arm) Oh, don't be silly. I'll be your partner.

Kaufman: Really?

Mona: That's great, but what about Angelo?

Winterson: Yeah, I heard he gets a bit... jealous.

Lisa: Well... I'm sure I can persuade him to be cool about this. I can actually be rather persuasive when I want to be. And it is just a harmless little dance contest.

Mona: Oh... okay. Let us know how it goes.

(Max and Mona, and Mike and Annie leave to get started practicing. Vinnie and Lisa go with Vladimir towards the study to talk with Woden, while Kaufman waits on the sofa.)

(About ten minutes later)

(We see Lisa and Vinnie come back into the living room, where Kaufman is still waiting.)

Lisa: I talked to my husband, and he's cool with us being partners – as long as that's it.

Kaufman: Cool.

Lisa: Well, we'd better go get started. If the competition is tomorrow night, then we need to do some heavy-duty practicing.

Kaufman: Okay. What about you, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Oh yeah, Woden let me call A.J., so I talked to her, and she wants to do it. Woden rented out a studio in town for us to practice in, so we're meeting there in about an hour. (holds up a cell phone) He also gave me this to use in case I need to contact her, or vice-versa.

Lisa: That's great. Well, uh, good luck to the two of yas.

Vinnie: Thanks. You too.

(Vinnie leaves. Kaufman and Lisa go out to one of the barns to practice. Meanwhile, we see Mike and Annie in another barn. They are picking out the music for their number.)

Mike: (looking through his CD collection) Hmmm, what shall we pick? Tim McGraw, Brooks & Dunn, or Garth Brooks?

Annie: Uhhh, Mike, all those are nice, but if we gonna win this contest, then we're probably gonna need to pick out something different. Something a little, uhhh, "urban."

Mike: But why? In a small town like this, wouldn't Country music be the way to go to win?

Annie: I really don't think so. Most of the people that I see winning dance contests pick hip-hop as their music.

Mike: (a bit taken aback) But... this is _our_ music. You said so yourself.

Annie: And it can still be our music. But in a dance competition, the right music is half of winning. And it ain't about what you like. It's the judges.

Mike: So you are just going to give up what you like, just to please the judges?

Annie: Uhh, to win? Yes.

Mike: Annie, I don't believe...

Annie: (sighing) Mike, can't you just let it go? Just this once?

Mike: Why should I have to? Why can't we pick the music that we are comfortable with?

Annie: I'm comfortable with all types of music. And you once were too. What's with you lately?

Mike: What do you mean? I'm the same guy...

Annie: (interrupting) Man, just forget it. You obviously ain't gonna budge, so this ain't happening for us. (storms off)

Mike: Annie, wait!

(Annie ignores him. Mike sits down on a hay bale, dejected.)

Mike: (confessional) I don't believe this. Annie's never been this stubborn before. I thought she loved my music collection, so why can't we use it for our number? But I guess she just wants to win, and so do I. I've never been in a dance competition before, and I don't know whether or not Annie has, but she probably knows more about it than I do. I don't know – maybe I should "budge" just this once, for her.

Annie: (confessional) Awww, man. Our first fight. Well, all couples have 'em, and I guess it was bound to happen for us too. And now it seems so stupid, fighting over such a little thing as music. (sighs) Maybe I should just let Mike pick out one of his CDs, if it'll make him happy. (thinking) _Although..._

(We see Mike leave the barn looking for Annie. We then see Annie running towards him, and he towards her. We see them apologize to each other and hug. Annie then shows Mike a CD – we don't see who it is. We then see them back in the barn, listening to it. We don't actually hear it, but Mike appears to like it, and so does Annie. They then start to practice to it.)

(A local dance studio, in town, meanwhile)

(We see Vinnie inside, waiting. He is wearing sweats and sneakers. Soon A.J. pulls into the parking lot and gets out of her car – she is dressed in tight-fitting leotards. She goes inside, and soon finds the rented out studio room where Vinnie is waiting. They kiss.)

Vinnie: Hey A.J. Glad you could make it.

A.J.: Hi, Vinnie.

Vinnie: Sorry I couldn't pick you up, but security's still tight where I'm staying, and they won't let me out lightly. In fact, I had to be escorted here – they wouldn't let me come by myself.

(Vinnie motions towards the window. A.J. looks out, and sees a "Squeaky Cleaning Company" van in the parking lot.)  
  
A.J.: But why?

Vinnie: Because I nearly got everyone in trouble the last time I snuck out to see you. We still can't afford to be seen by Horne's crew.

(A.J. still looks a bit annoyed by all this.)

Vinnie: (in a reassuring tone) Look, this should all be over soon, and then things can get back to normal. Okay?

A.J.: Well... okay. (smiles a bit)

Vinnie: We better get started practicing. We only have until tomorrow night to get ready.

(We see Vinnie and A.J. first go through both his and her CD collection, and in a little while agree on a song for their number. We then see them begin to practice.)

(Lenny's Bar & Grille, in town, the next night)

(We see the dance competition taking place. There is a couple dancing on the small dance floor at the front of the bar, with several other competitors waiting at the sides. At the very front of the building is the DJ booth, and at the foot of it is a table where five people are seated, watching. These are the judges. The bar is off to the far left side, and all around the dance floor area are people standing or sitting, watching. There is a large banner across the room that reads "Lenny's Bar & Grille's 3rd Annual Dance Contest." We then see the gang – Max, Mona, Mike, Annie, Lisa, Kaufman, Vinnie, A.J., Vladimir, and Winterson – all sitting at a large table almost right next to the floor. The couple on the floor soon finishes with their dance and the crowd cheers. Lenny, the guy who owns the bar, then comes out to announce. He is a middle-aged guy with graying hair, dressed kind of "disco-ey.")

Lenny: All right, let's give it up for John and Martha. They did a great job tonight. (more applause) Next up we have a couple that is new to this year's competition. Let's give it up for Kaufman and Lisa Punchinello.

(We hear cheers, especially from the rest of the gang, as Kaufman and Lisa go out onto the dance floor. They get into position and wait for their song to begin playing. It soon starts – it is "Objection" by Shakira. They begin dancing immediately. Their routine starts out with a tango, then gets into other Latin dance moves, incorporating elements of salsa, meringue, and other types. Most of their dance moves are very sensual, and Kaufman even tosses Lisa into the air a few times, and catches her. The two move very gracefully. The routine ends with Kaufman and Lisa pressed up against each other, Lisa with one leg raised in the air, paused as the song draws to a close. They then walk off the dance floor, amidst cheering from the crowd, especially the gang.)

Lenny: That was Kaufman and Lisa Punchinello, ladies and gentlemen. Let's have a big, big hand for these two – they performed very well.

(Lenny goes on with some lame chatter as Kaufman and Lisa make their way back towards the gang. Lisa is surprised to see, among them... Angelo, her husband.)

Lisa: Angelo?

Angelo: Lisa. Baby, you were wonderful.

Lisa: (smiling) Thanks. Wow, I didn't think you'd show up. You said you had to work.

Angelo: What? Me work, when my wife's competing for a dance trophy, not to mention money. Why would _I_ need to work?

(Lisa frowns, one hand on her hip.)

Angelo: Just kidding. No really, you were great. (looking at Kaufman) And you must be Kaufman. You did some good stuff too.

Kaufman: Thank you.

(Meanwhile...)

Lenny: Next up, we have another pair of newcomers to our dance competition. So let's give it up for... Vincent Gognitti and A.J. Anderson.

(Cheers as Vinnie and A.J. make their way to the dance floor. They get into position and wait for their song to start. Their song is "When Doves Cry" by Prince. They begin their dance routine as soon as the music starts. Their routine incorporates ballroom, waltz, and modern dance moves. We see a couple of occasions where Vinnie dips A.J. Their routine ends with Vinnie tossing A.J. into the air, catching her with his hands on her tummy, A.J. bent slightly backward. It looks very graceful. They hold this position as the song ends, people cheering, especially the gang.)

Lenny: Wow! Impressive move there at the end, wouldn't you say? Let's have a big hand for Vincent Gognitti and A.J. Anderson.

(More cheering as Vinnie and A.J. make their way back towards the rest of the group.)

Lenny: Next up is another new couple to our dance contest. Let's have a big round of applause for... Mike the Cowboy and Annie Finn.

(Mike and Annie make their way to the dance floor and wait for their song to start playing.)

Max: (confessional) This should really be interesting. I heard that Mike and Annie had a fight concerning their choice of song for their number, but then I heard that they had reached a compromise. I wonder what they mean by that.

(Mike and Annie's song begins to play. It is "Country Grammar" by Nelly. Mike and Annie's dance routine incorporates country & western two-stepping, square dancing, and hip-hop. It is a very unique number. We see two-stepping, do-si-do'ing, and bumping & grinding. The routine ends with Mike dipping Annie, then holding her in that position, one of Annie's legs raised. They hold the position until the song ends, then come out of it and make their way back to the rest of the group, amidst some very enthusiastic cheering.)

Lenny: Wow! That was some dancing, folks. Let's hear it for Mike and Annie. They've obviously got a style that's all their own.

Mike: (confessional) Wow! They love us! This is great! What a rush! I bet we might even win!

Annie: (confessional) Ooooo, I'm tellin' ya, I got a good feelin' about this! Now I'm almost glad me and Mike had that fight yesterday afternoon, cause if it hadn't a'happened, we wouldn't have come up with our routine that the crowd seems to love so much. Aww man, I think we're gonna win!

(The gang gives Mike and Annie pats on the back and other signs of congratulations while Lenny continues.)

Lenny: All right. Last up we have another new couple this year... Wow, all these new faces sure are making tonight interesting. Anyway, let's give it up for... Max Payne and Mona Sax.

(Cheers as Max and Mona make their way onto the dance floor and wait for their song to start playing. It is "Love My Way" by the Psychedelic Furs. They begin their routine, incorporating ballroom, tango, disco, and modern dance moves. It is very reminiscent of "Saturday Night Fever," only with a different song. They twirl around, dip, and tango. There are a couple of instances where Max holds up Mona and suspends her in the air. The routine ends with Max spinning Mona in his arms. They share a brief kiss while doing so (Again, think "Saturday Night Fever!") They then make their way back towards the group, amidst some more loud cheering.)

Lenny: All right. That was our final couple, Max and Mona. Let's give it up for them. And let's have a big hand for all our competitors, both new and old. They've shown us some fine dancing tonight. And we'll be back in a moment with our winners, so don't go away.

(Music begins playing as Lenny and the panel of judges make their way towards the back room. The group sits at a nearby booth.)

Vladimir: Wow. You guys must have worked very hard over the last day and a half. They were all awesome.

Max: Thanks, Vlad.

Winterson: They really were. I've got a feeling at least one of our couples are gonna place in this thing.

Mona: Ya think so, huh?

Winterson: Yeah, I do. By the way, sorry you couldn't practice with Vinnie at the farm, A.J. We just have to keep security tight, for now.

A.J.: Oh, it's okay. Me and Vinnie found a place to practice.

Vladimir: Right. At the dance studio in town, right?

A.J.: Uh huh.

Vladimir: Well, everything should be back to normal soon, so we can all return to the city. Then you and Vinnie can see each other like regular people.

A.J.: Thanks. I'm sure it will.

(About thirty minutes later...)

(Lenny and the panel of judges come back out, the judges carrying the third, second, and first place trophies, plus three checks for the three winning couples. The judges sit at their table, while Lenny goes out onto the floor and addresses the crowd.)

Lenny: Well, we've seen some pretty fly dancing here tonight, and it was really tough for our judges to pick the winners this year. But they've finally reached their decision, so without further adieu, let's bring out our winners.

Our third place couple, who will receive a trophy and a $500 check is... John Smith and Martha Steinway!

(Applause from everyone watching as John and Martha, the couple we saw dancing first, make their way to the judges table to get their third-place trophy and check. The judges have them stand by the table and wait until all the winners are announced.)

Lenny: Our second place couple, who will receive a trophy and a $1,000 check is... Kaufman and Lisa Punchinello!

(Wild cheering from the group, as well as cheers from the rest of the bar patrons, as Kaufman and Lisa make their way to the judges table to claim their prize. Lisa is incredibly excited, and Kaufman is actually smiling a bit. They get their prizes and stand next to John and Martha, waiting for the winning couple to be announced.)

(Kaufman and Lisa, confessional)

Kaufman: (confessional) We got second? Cool.

Lisa: (confessional) Wow! I didn't think we'd place at all, and we got second. And we each get $500. Hmmm, maybe I'll swing by Tiffany's...

(Meanwhile, back at the bar...)

Lenny: And now... our first place winning couple, who will receive the big first place trophy and a check for $5,000 is...

(We see the crowd in total suspense, especially the gang...)

Lenny: ... Mike the Cowboy and Annie Finn!

(Even wilder cheering from the group and lots of other loud cheers from the other bar patrons as Mike and Annie immediately leap up from the table, happy beyond belief that they've won. They both excitedly rush towards the table, pick up their trophy and check, and stand by the table.)

Mike: (confessional) Wow! We won! I don't believe it! It's like a dream come true. Now I really am glad I followed Annie's suggestion for the music. It was right on the money.

Annie: (confessional, excited) Oh my god! We won!! We won!! And I got $2,500 all to myself! I could feel this in my bones. I knew we were gonna win... Like I said, if Mike and I hadn't gotten into that disagreement yesterday, we wouldn't a'come up with this _winning_ routine. (smiles really big)

Lenny: All right, let's have a big hand for our winners, and for all those that were brave enough to compete tonight.

(Applause from the audience.)

(Just outside the bar...)

(We see the gang leaving, talking to and congratulating each other while doing so.)

Max: (to Mike and Annie) Wow. You guys won. I'm really happy for you.

Annie: Well thanks, Max.

Mona: (faking a smile) You guys did really good.

Mona: (confessional) Dammit, that trophy was ours! Max and I had the best routine. It was way more original than Mike and Annie's... I know I should be happy for them, and for Lisa and Kaufman, and I am, but still...

Vladimir: So what are you guys going to do with your prize money?

Annie: I'm gonna buy me a fur coat. I remember seein' one back in Manhattan, so I think I'm gonna buy it whenever we get back.

Vladimir: What about you, Mike?

Mike: Well... I'm going to use it for a down payment on a ranch out in Texas. There is this guy that is wanting to sell it, and he is asking for a down payment of $2,500. And now that I have it, I can buy it! I'm going to send him the check tomorrow, and ask Woden if I can call him.

Annie: Heyy, all right, Mike. Good for you!

Lisa: Hmmm, I wonder if it's Bubba.

Winterson: (to Lisa and Kaufman) What about you guys?

Lisa: Me? Oh, I'll probably just buy something from Tiffany's.

Kaufman: I don't know. Maybe play the stock market, or buy a nice dinner.

Vinnie: Gee, ain't you a wild man, Kaufman. (noticing a taxi nearby) Oh, there's A.J.'s taxi that we sprung for. I'll catch up to you guys in a minute. I'm gonna walk A.J. to her taxi.

(Vinnie walks with A.J. towards the taxi.)

Vinnie: Well, A.J., sorry we didn't win tonight. But _I _think we were the best couple.

A.J.: It's okay. You did good. I kinda have two left feet.

Vinnie: No, you did good. Hey, maybe we'll win next time.

A.J.: (smiles a bit) Hope so.

(The two reach the taxi, and Vinnie and A.J. share a brief kiss. A.J. then gets in her taxi, which then speeds off. Vinnie then goes to rejoin the rest of the group.)

(The Winterson farm, around 11PM)

(We see the gang enter the house. They go into the living room, where Woden is waiting for them.)

Max: Woden? You're still up?

Woden: Hello, Missssster Payne. Hello everyone. I jusssst wanted to tell you guyssss something.

Vladimir: What is it, Woden?

Woden: I gave all the information about Horne and the President to our contact in the FBI the other day, and earlier thisss evening he got in touch with me. Apparently no one hasss moved on it. Hisssss superiorsss keep giving "lack of evidence" assss the excuse.

Max: Hmmm, this is odd.

Mona: So what are we gonna do?

Woden: I'll keep monitoring the sssssituation, and if I or anyone else findssss out anything, we will give it to our contact, and hope it will go better the nexxxxt time around.

Max: Sounds like a plan to me.

MTV Announcer: Coming up, on the next episode: what's going on at the FBI, and within the Inner Circle? Will the President ever get rescued? And will the gang ever get to go back home? Find out this and more, on the next episode of "The Real World."

Well, hope this was worth the long wait. As always, please R&R!


	28. Episode XXIII

Disclaimers: Don't own 'em – Rockstar and MTV do.

Fiction, not fact.

A/N: Just a reminder, the next episode will be the FINAL EPISODE!

And now, episode XXIII of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Mona: of seven strangers...

Kaufman: picked to live in a house...

Vinnie: and have their lives taped.

Annie: Find out what happens...

Mike: when people stop being polite...

Lisa: and start being real...

Everyone: The Real World: New York.

(The community center, in town, early evening)

(We see Max, sitting among the other members of Metaphors and Similes Anonymous (MSA), waiting for the weekly meeting to begin. Max is sitting next to Sam, the guy from episode XXI that Max first met at his first MSA meeting – he has become his sponsor. The two are chatting.)

Sam: So Max, how have things been going lately?

Max: Not bad. I only used a couple of metaphors, but they were both in the confessional, like we all agreed upon. I almost used a simile in a conversation, but I managed to stop myself just in the nick of time.

Sam: (putting his hand on Max's shoulder) One day at a time, Max. One day at a time.

Max: Right.

Sam: And of course, you do still have my number, don't you?

Max: Uh-huh.

Sam: And you do know that you can call me anytime, day or night, if the temptation starts getting to be too much, right?

Max: Yeah. (pause) And thanks.

(Sam nods as Chuck, the group leader, goes up to the podium. He begins the meeting.)

(Meanwhile, at the Winterson Farm...)

(We see the rest of the gang, as well as Vladimir and Winterson, lounging around the living room. Woden is, as usual, in the study; Mildred is making dinner; and Cooter is reading the newspaper at the dining room table.)

Mona: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm noticing a tremendous change in Max ever since he started going to his MSA meetings.

Mike: I do too. He's talking so much more clearly now, and seems so much more down-to-earth.

Vinnie: Yeah, he actually gets to the point a little faster.

Annie: Oh, uhhh, Mike, don't you have some news to share with the rest of us?

(Everyone else gets curious.)

Mike: Oh yes... I got the ranch.

Everyone: Heyy... All right...

Mike: I was able to call the man selling it. I told him I had the money for the down payment, and he say "No problem, son." I dropped the check in the mail, and as soon as the show is over, I am moving down to Texas to take over.

Winterson: Wow, so Mike the Cowboy is about to really become a cowboy.

Vladimir: It must be a dream come true for you, Mike.

Mike: Yes, it is. And I want all of you to come see it once I get it up and running.

Kaufman: That'd be cool.

(Enter Max, who is just getting back from his weekly MSA meeting.)

Mona: Oh, hey Max.

Max: What's up, guys?

Vinnie: Not much, Payne.

Vladimir: How did your meeting go?

Max: Pretty good. (Holds up thumb and forefinger very close to each other) I'd say I'm this close to kicking the metaphor and simile habit for good.

Lisa: All right! Way to go! (starts clapping, and is joined briefly by the others)

Max: So how did everyone else's evening go?

Annie: Not bad.

Mike: Oh, Max, I got the ranch.

Max: Hey, that's great news, Mike.

Mike: As soon as the show's over, I'm going down to Texas to officially take it over. And as soon as I get it up and running, I would like to get all you guys to come out and see it.

Max: Sounds good.

(Cooter and Mildred enter.)

Cooter: We're going to bed, everyone. We suggest you guys do the same.

Vinnie: What for?

Mildred: Tomorrow's church.

(Pause from everyone.)

Lisa: Okay, and we need to be up... why?

Winterson: Oh, I forgot to tell you guys: there's a rule in this house, everyone on this farm goes to church on Sundays. That includes guests.

Mona: Oh, ummm... okay.

Cooter: We leave at about a quarter after nine for Sunday school. Ya'll will need to follow us.

Max: Uhh, sure, no problem.

Mildred: (nodding) Good night, then.

Everyone: Good night.

(Cooter and Mildred leave.)

Vladimir: Don't worry. It's a nice church. I was raised in the Russian Orthodox Church back in Russia, but I hadn't been to church in years before coming here. I soon grew to like it, though. The people there are very nice.

Max: Yeah. I'm sure they are.

Max: (confessional) It's been a long time since I've been to church too. I used to take my wife and little baby back when they were still with me, and I consulted with the department chaplain in the aftermath of their murder, but I soon quit going. Hmm, I guess this is its way of calling back... Uh oh! I'd better go before I use a simile again.

Vinnie: (confessional) Aww, man. I don't wanna go to church. I don't wanna sit there for two hours listening to some preacher tellin' us how awful we are and that we're goin' to hell. My grandma used to make me go when I was a kid. Not to mention enrolling me in Catholic school. My knuckles still hurt from where the nuns used to swat me with their rulers. (smiles a bit) Of course, I learned some interesting stuff there. Outside of the classroom, if ya know what I mean. Most of it is what got me swats from the nuns in the first place.

Mike: (confessional) All right. We go to church. I think it will be fun. I was raised Russian Orthodox too, just like Vladimir, but I haven't been in years. Maybe now is the time to start going again.

Mona: Well, then, I guess we'd better be off to bed, then.

Winterson: Yeah, us too. Come on, Vlad. I need you to fluff my pillows and help me pick out something to wear for tomorrow.

Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear.

(Exit Vladimir and Winterson.)

Max: Let's head to the bunk house.

(The gang goes out and towards the bunk house to go to bed.)

(The bunk house, around 8AM)

(We see the gang getting ready for church, putting on their "Sunday best." Mona is having a hard time picking out something appropriate, as most of her clothing is either tight-fitting or revealing. She finally decides on a lacy white dress – the least revealing thing she has. The men, meanwhile, are wearing suits. Mike is wearing a bolo tie, and his cowboy hat. Kaufman wears his ball cap with his suit. Lisa also wears a lacy white dress, but not quite the same as Mona's – it is a bit more pristine and proper. Annie wears a purple flowery dress.)

Annie: Everyone ready?

Mona: Uh-huh. Let's go.

(Everyone goes towards the house to meet with Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, and Mildred. When they get to the house, they are all dressed. Cooter is wearing a suit with a bolo tie, similar to Mike's. Vladimir is wearing his linen suit. Winterson is wearing her pant-suit, and Mildred is wearing her plain white dress – the same one she was wearing when we first met her in Episode VIII. Woden is also going to church. He is waiting with them in his wheelchair, wearing an expensive-looking suit.)

Mildred: Are we ready?

Max: Yes, Mrs. Winterson.

Cooter: Okay, me 'n Mildred'll ride in our truck; Valerie, why don't you and Vladimir take the van. Take Woden and whoever else'll fit. The rest of you can take one of them cleanin' vans and follow us.

Winterson: Okay. Let's see, there's me, Vlad, and Woden, so we can take five other people. Who else wants to ride with us?

Mona: Max and I will ride with you.

Max: Yeah, sure.

Mike: Annie and I will go with you too.

Annie: Sure, a'right.

Vladimir: That leaves room for one more.

Mona: Hey Lisa, why don't you ride with us?

Woden: Sssssure, Lisssa. By the way, that'ssss a pretty dresssss you have on.

Lisa: (suspicious) Uhhhh, thanks, but I think I'll ride with uhhh, (looking around) Kaufman! And Vinnie! Whattya say, guys?

Kaufman: (nods) Okay.

Vinnie: Yeah, sure.

Mildred: Well, let's get goin'.

(Everyone goes out to get into their vehicles. As they are exiting...)

Lisa: (whispering) Thanks, guys.

Vinnie: For what, Lisa?

Lisa: (still whispering) Y'know... (motions for Vinnie and Kaufman to look over. They do so, and see Woden.)

Vinnie: Ohhhh, okay. (whispering) Don't mention it.

(First Presbyterian Church of Poughkeepsie, around 9:45 AM)

(We see everyone arrive at the church and park their vehicles. While Cooter and Mildred take Woden to their Sunday school class, Vladimir and Winterson take the gang with them to theirs. We follow the gang as they follow Vladimir and Winterson. They soon arrive at the classroom. Vladimir holds the door for the group, and of course, for Winterson. We then see the rest of the Sunday school class – they are a pretty normal-looking, quiet bunch. They seem a bit surprised at all the new faces.)

Sunday school class Member #1: Vlad? I see you've brought a few friends.

Vladimir: Yes, I have. (goes around introducing the group) This is Max, Mona, Vinnie, Mike, Annie, Kaufman, and Lisa.

Everyone: (at random) Hi... How you doing...

Vladimir: (going around introducing the rest of the class) Guys, this is Tim, Kathy, Peter, Andrea, Steve, Greg, Kim, and Gary.

Vinnie: Ahhh, how ya guys doin'?

Sunday school class Member #1 (Tim): Nice to meet you guys.

Kathy: So Winterson, how's the baby coming along?

Winterson: Oh, it's coming, all right. And Vlad sure is helping me out a lot, aren't you?

Vladimir: (forced smile) Well, I try, dear.

Tim: Well, I guess everyone's here, so we should probably get started.

(We see the gang take their seats as the class begins. They read from the Bible, write notes, and discuss the lesson. Most of the gang tries to keep up. Vladimir and Winterson do okay, and so do Mike and Annie. Max, Mona, Kaufman, and Lisa are a little lost, but do their best anyway. Vinnie is clearly bored out of his skull, and does not want to be there. Finally, we come to the end of Sunday school.)

Tim: Well, it's almost time for worship. Vinnie, would you like to lead us in the closing prayer?

Vinnie: (nervous) Ahhhh, sure. Okay.

(Everyone joins hands and bows their heads.)  
  
Vinnie: (praying) Ahhh, Lord, thank you for today. And... thank you that we can all be here. Please bless us all and keep us safe. And... if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take...

(Several people look up at Vinnie, a bit puzzled. Vinnie continues.)

Vinnie: (still praying) ... and God bless us all, everyone. And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea. Amen. (Does the cross sign with his hands, like Catholics do.)

Everyone: (puzzled, a bit hesitant) Amen.

(As everyone is leaving...)

Tim: Ummm, interesting prayer, uhhh- Vinnie, is it?

Vinnie: Yeah. Thanks.

(The sanctuary, about a half-hour later...)

(We see the gang, as well as Vladimir, Winterson, Cooter, Mildred, and Woden, sitting together in the sanctuary among the congregation. The worship service is well underway, and we are at the taking up of the offering. The collection plate is being passed around, and soon it gets to the group. Vinnie, by instinct, reaches in to help himself to some of the cash, but his hand is quickly swatted away by Mona, who happens to be sitting next to him.)

Vinnie: (whispering) Sorry... Force of habit.

(The collection plate gets to Kaufman, who for some reason thinks it's a trash bin. He dumps a few wads of paper into in, and gets a swat from Annie, who is seated next to him. He looks at her puzzled, then takes out the papers that he put in.)

(The Winterson Farm, around 12:30 PM)

(We see everyone come into the house through the front door, talking with each other.)

Vladimir: So, what did everyone think of the service?

Max: It wasn't bad.

Mona: The people seem really nice.

Vladimir: How about you, Vinnie?

Vinnie: Ahh, it was okay, I guess. I'm just glad I didn't get the whole "fire and brimstone" bit during the sermon.

Annie: It wasn't a bad experience. I'm thinkin' maybe I oughtta start goin' to church again.

Mike: Yeah. Me too.

(Suddenly the phone rings.)

Cooter: I'll get it. (walks over to the phone and picks it up) Hello?

Voice over phone: Is this the Winterson farm?

Cooter: Yes, ma'am. It is. What can I do ya fer?

Voice over phone: Well you can start by getting me Woden, or Max Payne. And don't tell me they're not there, because I know better.

Cooter: What the... Who is this? (signals to Woden, who we follow with the group, and Vladimir and Winterson, into the study to pick up another phone.)

Voice over phone: I think you all know. By the way, you don't really think it was because of you that we let you escape from jail, do you?

Woden: It'ssss Horne.

Max: She's found us.

Horne: Woden. Max. Nice to hear from you. I trust the rest of the bunch is okay. Whether they stay that way is up to you... Take a look outside before you start getting any ideas.

(Everyone does so. They see killer suits at the front gate, holding the cleaners guarding it at gunpoint.)

Horne: Okay, gang. Here's what's going to happen: You will bring along with all yourselves $250 million in unmarked, non-sequential $100 bills into the front lobby of the Aesir Corporate HQ building at 10 PM next Tuesday. That gives you a little over 48 hours to get the money together.

Max: Why should we do anything for you?

Horne: Because I won't be responsible for what happens to your little friend here if you don't obey.

Max: What do you mean?

(We hear Horne on the other end put the phone down, then faint footsteps and the phone being picked up again.)

A.J.: (on other end) Vinnie?

(We see a look of horror on Vinnie's face.)

Vinnie: Oh my... A.J.!!

Horne: We've been watching you guys like hawks ever since the moment you left Rikers, waiting for the perfect opportunity to snatch you guys back. And this is it. We knew Vinnie couldn't stay away from his little friend forever, especially since she's apparently the only woman that's ever given him the time of day.

Vinnie: Hey, f(bleep)k you, b(bleep)ch!!

(We hear the cocking of a gun on the other end.)

Vinnie: No, no, no, no, wait! I didn't mean it! Honest! Just don't hurt A.J.!

Horne: Don't worry. You do exactly what we tell you, and A.J. will be safe as money in the bank. $250 million, Tuesday, 10PM, Aesir Headquarters. Be there – _all of you_. (CLICK!)

Vinnie: So Woden, d'ya think you can get all the money together in time?

Woden: Nobody'sss giving Horne anything.

Vinnie: What!? Are you crazy!? She's got A.J., and the President too! Whattya mean you're not gonna give her the money!?

Max: Vinnie, think. She's got the President hostage, and we're the only ones who know anything that could bring her little operation down. Do you really think she's just gonna let us all go for a lousy $250 mil?

Vinnie: But she's got my girl. I'm givin' 'em the money if I gotta stick up every bank in New York to do it.

Winterson: Vinnie, Vinnie! (looks at him squarely in the eyes, her hands on his shoulders trying to calm him) Calm down, okay? I understand you're upset, and I can appreciate the fact that you want to help your girlfriend. But this isn't the way to do it. (pause) You've gotta trust me on this.

Max: Winterson's right. This is in all probability a trap, and A.J.'s the bait.

Vinnie: But they'll kill A.J. if we don't show up. Are we just supposed to sit here and let her die?

Vladimir: No. Nobody's going to let anyone die. (pauses) We all need to sit down and calm down. Then... we need to come up with a plan to get A.J. out, and the President... and to make sure Horne will never bother anyone again.

Mona: Vladimir's right, guys. And we've all gotta be in on this. Whattya say?

Everyone: I'm in... Me too... Yeah...

Mona: Vinnie?

Vinnie: (thinks for a second) All right. I'll do it too. Whatever it takes to get A.J. outta trouble.

MTV Announcer: Uh oh! A.J. kidnapped? What's Horne up to? And what's waiting for the gang at Aesir? Find out this and more, on the season finale of "The Real World..."

Well, next episode is it – the FINAL EPISODE. And as always I hope that this one was worth the wait. Please R&R!


	29. Episode XXIV THE FINAL EPISODE

Disclaimers: I don't own Max Payne, The Real World, or anything having to do with either of the two. Rockstar Games owns Max Payne, and MTV Networks owns The Real World.

This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to anyone living, dead, or somewhere in between, are purely coincidental.

Well, this is it: the FINAL EPISODE of Max Payne & Co. present...

The Real World

Max: This is the story...

Mona: of seven... Ahhh, screw it!

(Max, Mona, and all the other guests walk off.)

(The Winterson Farm, early afternoon)

(We see the gang in the dining room, with Vladimir, Winterson, Woden, Cooter, and Mildred, all seated around the table, looking at several maps spread out around the table. It is not long after they received the phone call from Nicole Horne.)

Woden: (pointing to a map of New York City) Okay, folksss. Thissss isss where Aesssir plazzza issss, in Lower Manhattan, right along the Long Island Sssssound. The front door issss accesssssed from thissss ssssmall road from Avenue D, right here (pointing). That leadssss into building #1. Building #2 isssss directly behind it, with a front door into it, and a sssssingle walkway connecting the two towersss at about the 70th floor. The main reception area isssss on the firsssst floor of building #1, where we have been told to meet Horne.

(We see everyone nod.)

Vladimir: Okay, here is what I have in mind for getting in, rescuing the hostages, and getting Horne: We all arrive at the scheduled time, but each at different places. Beforehand, we get the money together, just to use as bait. Max, you will enter the lobby with the money, where...

Vinnie: AHEM!

Vladimir: Vinnie?

Vinnie: I'm goin' in. A.J.'s my girl, so I'm goin' in to see her. I'm gonna be the one she sees comin' to get her out.

(A pause from everybody)

Mona: (amazed) You're the man, Vinnie.

Vladimir: (after a pause) Okay, Vinnie, you will enter the lobby in building #1, with the money in a briefcase. Max... you, Mona, Mike, Annie, Lisa, Winterson, and I, along with a small group of cleaners, will land on the roof of building #1, and will work our way down. Horne is supposed to be in the lobby, meeting Vinnie to collect the money, as well as A.J., so we can trap Horne either there or somewhere on the way. Woden will wait inside the chopper and back us up with intel.

(We see the group nodding as Vladimir continues.)

Vladimir: Kaufman, I am going to have you lead another group of cleaners on the roof of building #2. Cooter, if you feel up to it, I'll have you lead a third group of cleaners from the Long Island Sound and enter building #2 from the ground floor. Think you can handle that?

Cooter: You darn tootin'. I used to be in the Navy.

Vladimir: Okay, okay. And I have a friend that will provide the boat for your group to get to building #2. As far as the President goes, he has been spotted in building #2, but we can't get an exact fix on his location. And we also need to watch out for the walkway on the 70th floor. Each of the two groups deploying on the roof will leave a small detachment of cleaners to secure both entrances to the walkway, once they reach them. We need to try to synchronize both of these groups so that they will arrive at the walkway at the same time, otherwise there guards could eradicate one group or the other.

(The group nods.)

Vladimir: I can get all of us guns, but Vinnie, I will have to send you in unarmed, since most likely the guards will pat you down once you enter, and if you arrive with a weapon, it could put both your girlfriend and the President in danger. But once my group meets up with you, I'll give you a weapon, since by that time we should have both the buildings secured.

So, is everyone with me on this?

Max: Yes.

Mona: Uh-huh.

Vinnie: Yeah, let's go.

Everyone else: (at random) Sure... Let's go... Okay...

Woden: If we all follow each of our inssstructionsss to the letter, and keep our witsssss about uss at all timesss... I believe that we will sssucceed.

(Aesir Corporate HQ, Lower Manhattan, Tuesday, 10 PM)

(We see a cleaning van pulling into the small driveway from Avenue D. It parks in the front of a huge well-lit parking lot, fairly close to the building. Out of it steps Vinnie, carrying a briefcase.

Meanwhile, we see two black KA-62 Kasatka choppers approaching the Aesir towers. Aboard one we see Vladimir, Max, Mona, Mike, Annie, Lisa, and Winterson, as well as about six cleaners, riding. They all are carrying guns of various types. Aboard the other chopper are Kaufman and twelve other cleaners, also heavily armed. We then see a boat approaching building #2 from the Long Island Sound. Aboard this boat is Cooter, with his shotgun, leading another group of twelve cleaners. Piloting the boat is Vladimir's friend, Boris Dime (from MP1).)

Boris Dime: So you're Vladimir's father-in-law, huh?

Cooter: Yep.

Boris Dime: That's great. I was wondering when Vladimir was going to get married. I'll bet whoever the lucky girl is is very happy with him.

Cooter: (grinning a bit) Ohhh, our daughter makes sure he keeps her happy, all right.

Boris Dime: (pointing towards the Aesir plaza, off a little ways) Well, here it is.

Cooter: Thank you. (to the cleaners) All right, everybody ready?

(The cleaners ready their guns. Meanwhile, everybody else readies their guns as the choppers prepare to land on the rooftops of the two buildings. We then return to Vinnie, who goes up to the front door of building #1, where there are two guards dressed in silver & black BDUs – the Aesir building guards from MP1. They both pat down Vinnie immediately, then look inside the briefcase, where the $250 million is. Seeing that Vinnie is clean, and that everything appears in order, they let him in. They escort Vinnie to the middle of the lobby, where Horne is waiting by the elevator.)

Horne: (nodding) Vinnie Gognitti.

Vinnie: (similarly) Nicole Horne.

Horne: Where's everyone else? Everyone was supposed to show up together.

Vinnie: They're, ahhh, on their way. They got stuck in traffic.

Horne: Then you should have waited for them to arrive before coming here. This is noncompliance.

Vinnie: Ahhh, come on, Horne. I got your money. All $250 million of it.

Horne: Let's see it.

Vinnie: Show me A.J. first. If she ain't all right, the deal's off.

Horne: (chuckling) I guess you _do_ have a set, after all. (over a radio) Bring A.J. down!

(Within a few moments, the elevator doors open up to reveal A.J., hands tied behind her back, with two killer suits escorting her. They bring her out and stand her beside Horne.)

A.J.: Vinnie?

Vinnie: A.J.? Are you all right?

(A.J., a little shaken, nods. Horne nods to Vinnie, and Vinnie opens the briefcase to show Horne the money.)

Horne: Good. Bring it to me.

Vinnie: Untie A.J. first.

(Horne nods to the two killer suits, who untie A.J.'s hands. She immediately rushes to Vinnie's side.)

Horne: Now... the money.

Vinnie: All right.

(Vinnie closes the briefcase and puts it on the ground, then slides it over to Horne. She has one of the suits pick it up and quickly count it.)

Killer Suit #1: Looks clean.

Horne: Good. Now, you two are about to find out why I wanted the whole group here. I wanted them all to witness this as it happened to them... one by one...

Vinnie: What do you mean?

A.J.: Yeah, he honored his end of the bargain.

Vinnie: C'mon, Horne. Let us go, and the President. You've got what you wanted. There ain't no one left to do you harm.

Horne: Maybe... but it's not good business to take chances.

(Horne motions to the killer suits, who aim their Colt M4s at Vinnie and A.J. They both cling to each other, waiting to be shot.)

Vinnie: (trembling) Well, A.J., it was fun while it lasted.

A.J.: (also trembling) We'll always have Coney Island.

(We hear two gunshots. Vinnie and A.J.'s eyes close, but soon they open back up. They look down – they're not shot! We then see both of the killer suits drop dead, a hole through each of them. We then see the elevator, open to reveal Max, Mona, Vladimir, Winterson, Annie, Mike, and Lisa, guns trained on Horne and the other guards in the lobby.)

Vladimir: Horne, oldest of all my hags... call off you're dogs and let Vinnie and A.J. go, or you'll be full of even more lead than those two put together.

Horne: (chuckling some more) Vladimir Lem. Still full of catchphrases, I see.

(Vladimir, Max, and the rest of the group cock their guns. Horne, still smug, nods to the guards, who drop their weapons. Vinnie takes A.J. and goes over to meet his friends.)

Max: You guys okay?

Vinnie: Yeah, but half a second later, and we might not be.

Mona: Here. (tosses Vinnie an Ingram, which he cocks and aims at Horne.)

Vladimir: (over a radio) White Russian to Bartender. Come in, Bartender.

Woden: (on the other end) _Go ahead, White Russian._

Vladimir: Building #1 is secured. The Prune has been bottled.

Horne: (sarcastic) "The Prune." Real mature, guys.

Woden: _Well done, White Russian. Jack Daniels, Triple X, come in._

Kaufman: (over the radio) _Go ahead, Bartender._

Cooter: (also over the radio) _Go ahead, Bartender._

Woden: _What'sss the ssstatusss on Building #2?_

Cooter: _Building #2 is secured._

Kaufman: _Confirmed, but we can't find the President anywhere._

Woden: _10-4. White Russian, did you copy that?_

Vladimir: 10-4. (puts away radio, then retrains his gun on Horne) Well, Horne, I guess you're working for _us_ now. You can start by telling us where the President is.

Horne: Sorry. I can't do that.

Lisa: (stepping forward, trying to stay calm) Listen here, you dried up old bat: because of you, we have been forced out of our nice comfy house that we loved, thrown in jail, and forced to work on a farm out in Sticksville. I have broken my nails, gotten pecked by chickens, and have gotten kicked in the face by a cow. All this because of your petty little insecurities. You owe us BIG. So you can get started making it up to us by handing over the F(BLEEP)KING PRESIDENT!!!

(We see the others in complete and utter shock at Lisa's little outburst.)

Lisa: (confessional) Wow! I don't know if I've _ever_ gotten so angry before, at _anyone_. _whew _I need a Tylenol.

Horne: (still smug) Ms. Punchinello, is that any way for a lady to talk?

Max: Be that as it may, you're taking us to the President. And you'd better make it fast. We're deadly serious. _Deadly _serious.

Horne: (pausing, then sighing) All right... I can take you guys to him. He's in the mainframe room, under the buildings. You'll need me to go with you to get you in.

Winterson: Under the building?

Vladimir: That's why we couldn't get a fix on his location. He was under the buildings. Plus there was probably signal interference from the computers.

(Horne leads the group into one of the elevators. The interior walls are all covered with mirrors. However, as soon as Horne walks in, the mirrors all crack.)

Horne: Hmmm, those have been doing that a lot lately.

Max: (whispering to Mona) Go figure.

(The group gets on the elevator. We see Horne type in something on a keypad before hitting the floor button for the basement.)

Max: (suspiciously) What did you just type in?

Horne: Oh... the code. You need a code to access the basement.

(The elevator soon arrives and opens up to reveal the basement, an underground vault full of computers, including the mainframe. It appears deserted. Horne leads the group a little ways inside the room. They see the President, seated on the floor next to one of the mainframe terminals.)

Max: Mr. President?

The President: (a bit suspicious, seeing Horne with the group) Who are you guys? Are these _your_ friends, Horne? They aren't Democrats, are they?

Max: Mr. President, we're here to get you out. We have this complex secured, so nobody will bother us on our way out.

Vladimir: And the police are on their way, to arrest Horne.

Max: They are?

Vladimir: Yes, I had Woden call them a little while ago.

The President: Woden? Senator Alfred Woden?

Vladimir: The same.

(All of a sudden, the elevator doors open to reveal many killer suits, with Kaufman, the cleaners, and Woden held captive. They aim their M4s at the group.)

Horne: Well, well, well. I see my guys are right on time. That's what I love about them: they're so punctual. Drop your weapons. _Now._

(The group pauses, then Max decides to take out the group, using of course some cool shoot dodging moves. The rest of the group covers the President. Max returns to "regular time" after managing to kill all of the killer suits. Some of the others are dumbfounded.)

Annie: What the heck was that?

Winterson: Oh, he does that sometimes during a firefight.

Max: Just a little trick I picked up.

(The rest of the group retrieves their guns and aim them at Horne. A couple of cleaners tie Horne's hands and feet, while several others escort the President out.)

Mona: You're not moving until the cops get here.

Woden: Good work. I knew we could pull thisss off. (looking at Horne) I guesss thisss meansss that the Inner Circle issss now down to two memberssss.

Vladimir: Well, actually, it's soon going to be down to one member.

Woden: What do you mean?

(Vladimir aims his gun at Woden's head.)

Vladimir: Sorry, Woden, but all I have to do is knock you off, and I get the whole Inner Circle to myself.

Vinnie: V-Vlad? What the f(bleep)ck? What are you doin'?

Mona: You're turning on us now?

Vladimir: (chuckling) Don't be silly. I'm not turning against you. It's just... this is too good an opportunity to pass up. Do you know what I could do for you guys with the Inner Circle at my complete disposal?

Max: Vlad! Don't! The cops will be here any minute!

Vladimir: And they'll see that, unfortunately, we lost one in our rescue of the President... This is between me and Woden. Play ball and I'll reward each and every one of you beyond your wildest dreams. Don't, and... (shaking his head) well...

(The group watches in horror as Vladimir aims his gun at Woden. We hear a gunshot. But Woden isn't dead. He isn't even wounded. We then see Vladimir, rubbing his hand in pain, his gun dropped on the floor.)

???: All right, knock this crap off!

(Everyone turns to see, getting off the elevator, a young man dressed in a black dinner jacket, wearing a silver ring. He seems to be very important.)

Max: Who are you?

???: I am TheMerryVingian. I own this fic. And the first thing I'm going to say is: _no flip-flopping! _One thing I can't stand is flip-flopping, especially in MY fics.

Horne: (starry-eyed) Are you here to get me out?

TheMerryVingian: Hell no! I _never_ liked you.

Horne: (frowning) Darn.

TheMerryVingian: Take her away!

(The cops and the FBI arrive and cuff Nicole Horne. They then escort her out of the building.)

Horne: (as she is being escorted out, sighing) Nobody likes me.

TheMerryVingian: Like I said before, Vladimir, I can't stand flip-flopping. And it especially saddens me to see it from you. I really liked you, but you broke a cardinal rule of mine.

Vladimir: So what are you going to do? (sarcastically) "Write me out of your fic?"

TheMerryVingian: No. There isn't any need for that. (after a pause) Winterson.

Winterson: Yes?

TheMerryVingian: I noticed that there's a few tractors on your parents' farm that need fixing.

Winterson: Uh-huh?

TheMerryVingian: And if I'm not mistaken, Vladimir is kind of your handyman around there, isn't he?

Winterson: That's right. I could just have Vlad fix 'em up, couldn't I?

Vladimir: No! I mean, uhhh, I don't know how to fix tractors... I don't have the tools... I...

Winterson: _Vlad!_

Vladimir: (sighing) Yes, dear.

(Vladimir hangs his head and starts walking towards the elevator like a dolt, Winterson following him. Shortly before she steps on, she stops to speak to TheMerryVingian.)

Winterson: By the way, I really like that jacket you're wearing. It looks really good on you.

TheMerryVingian: Thank you. (takes out his cell phone) ... Yeah, it's me. Send a bouquet of flowers and a wine & cheese basket to Winterson's place. (hangs up)

(Winterson, smiling, steps on to the elevator. The doors close and it goes up.)

TheMerryVingian: Now, the rest of you...

Max: What? What did we do?

TheMerryVingian: I let you guys do this fic to give you the opportunity to show that there was more to you than just some shoot-'em-up video game. But that's exactly what this thing ended up being.

Mona: Well, what were we supposed to do? Horne had the President.

Vinnie: Not to mention she kidnapped A.J.

Mike: She gave us grief over a party, and over the public access TV.

TheMerryVingian: And if you guys would have waited, I could have written her out in a befitting manner. I had a brilliant season finale all mapped out and ready to go, but because _you guys_ had to take matters into your own hands, my finale has turned into just another clichéd, shoot-'em-up, brainless script of the same old crap.

Kaufman: So what happens now?

TheMerryVingian: Now this fic's over. And it's back to the world of video games for you guys. Hmmm... I feel like... a Dead Man Walking level today.

Max: Aww, man. I hate it when players choose a Dead Man Walking level.

Mona: Wait!

TheMerryVingian: Yes?

Mona: You can't just cut it off now. The readers need some kind of an ending. You can't just leave them hanging like this.

(TheMerryVingian thinks for a minute.)

TheMerryVingian: You know what, Mona? You're right. Okay, I'll give you guys your ending. But afterwards, you go back to the game.

Max: (after a pause) Okay.

Woden: Missster... Vingian, is it?

TheMerryVingian: Yes, what do you want?

Woden: That ring on your finger. Can I have it? You sssee... it'ssss my birthday, and I wantsssss it.

TheMerryVingian: Hey, zip it, Gollum, or I'll write _you _out.

Woden: Sorry.

(Our Lady of the Annunciation Catholic Church, Manhattan, three months later)

(We hear the Wedding March being played on an organ as A.J. enters the sanctuary, wearing a wedding dress. Beside her is a man, in his early sixties, with graying hair, wearing a nice suit. This is A.J.'s father, Gregory. He walks her down the aisle to give her away. We then see Vinnie, standing at the end of the altar, waiting for A.J., flanked by his best men: Max, Mike, Kaufman, and Vladimir. On the bride's side we see A.J.'s bridesmaids: Mona (the Maid of Honor), Annie, Lisa, and Winterson. Soon A.J. reaches the altar, and her father gives her away to Vinnie to be married. The music ends as Gregory makes his way back to his seat, and the priest begins to speak.)

Priest: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the union of Allison Jean Anderson and Vincent Peter Gognitti in the bonds of holy wedlock. Who gives this bride away.

(A.J.'s father and mother stand up.)

Gregory: I, Gregory Alexander Anderson, father of Allison, and Martha Katherine Anderson, mother of Allison, give away our daughter, Allison Jean Anderson, to be married.

Priest: Who will speak for the groom?

(Vinnie's grandmother and another young man who looks very similar to Vinnie, stand up. The young man is Vinnie's brother, Peter.)

Vinnie's grandmother: Io, Carlotta Maria di Ciccolella, la nonna di Vincenzo, e Pietro Vincenzo Gognitti, il fratello di Vincenzo, riconosce ed accetta il matrimonio di Vincenzo Pietro Gognitti a Allison Jean Anderson.

Vinnie's brother: (translating) Carlotta Maria di Ciccolella, grandmother of Vincent, and I, Peter Vincent Gognitti, brother of Vincent, recognize and accept the marriage of Vincent Peter Gognitti to Allison Jean Anderson.

Priest: (beginning his sermon) Marriage is a very sacred and beautiful institution, holy in the eyes of the Lord...

(As the priest does his sermon, we see Max and Mona glance at each other, and smile. We then see their hands – they are wearing matching wedding rings! We also see a button on the lapel of Max's tux. It reads, "SIMILE AND METAPHOR FREE FOR 90 DAYS."

We then see Mike and Annie glance at each other in the same fashion. On their hands are engagement rings! We also see in the coat pocket of Mike's tux a pamphlet. It says on the front, "Big Mike's Cattle Ranch."

Next we see Vladimir and Winterson look at each other. They actually smile at each other. The camera then tilts down to Winterson's side to reveal Vladimir and Winterson's baby. It's a boy!

We then see Lisa look at Angelo, who is among the congregation. They smile at each other. Kaufman then looks out to see... Candy Dawn, the hooker from MP1, who was the "Candy" that Kaufman had danced with at the house party from episode XI and XII. We see at Kaufman's side a pet sheep. It's not the same one that he had growing up, but it is very similar.

As the priest's sermon draws to a close, we see others out among the congregation: Cooter, Mildred, Woden, B.B. and Violet (together, mind you), Alex and the female party guest (also together), Bravura, and many, many others that were in this fic. The camera then returns to Vinnie and A.J., and the sermon ends.)

Priest: Do you, Vincent Peter Gognitti, accept this woman, Allison Jean Anderson, as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

Vinnie: I do.

Priest: And do you, Allison Jean Anderson, accept this man, Vincent Peter Gognitti, as your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live?

A.J.: I do.

Priest: If there is anyone here today who feels that these two should not get married, then let them speak now, or forever hold their peace.

(Nobody speaks, and the priest continues.)

Priest: Then by the power vested in me by the Lord God Almighty, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

(Vinnie lifts A.J.'s veil and gives her a long, beautiful kiss. Everyone applauds.)

Priest: Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you... Mr. and Mrs. Vincent Peter Gognitti.

(Everyone applauds again.)

(Outside the church)

(We see Vinnie and A.J., hand-in-hand, running out of the church, followed by all their friends and family, throwing rice. The two reach the limo, then A.J. stops to toss her bouquet out towards the crowd. Candy Dawn catches it. She looks at Kaufman. Kaufman gulps nervously. Vinnie and A.J. then get into the limo.)

Vinnie: Lemme tell ya, A.J. You're gonna love Sicily. Very romantic. And I brought my Captain Baseball Bat Boy sheets, cause it's high time to, ahhh, "break 'em in."

A.J.: (giggling) Oh Vinnie, you're so naughty.

(We see the rest of the group, and Vladimir and Winterson, watching and waving after the limo as it drives off. The others then look at each other.)

Max: You know we do have some time left, before we have to get moved out of the house. What do you say we all watch Address Unknown together, one last time?

Mona: Sure. It'll be great.

Lisa: I agree.

Annie: It'll be great bein' in there one last time.

Mike: Yes, it will.

Kaufman: I'm gonna miss you guys.

Vladimir: We can still keep in touch. The end of the show doesn't mean the end of us.

Winterson: That's right. We'll still talk to each other. And with Vinnie and A.J.

Mona: (smiling) I'm glad to hear that.

Max: (also smiling) Let's go home.

(We see the gang walk off into the sunset, arm-in-arm (think "St. Elmo's Fire"). Eventually they disappear over the horizon.)

**THE END**

Well, thanks first and foremost to all of you guys who took the time to read my fic, and even more thanks to you guys that took the time to R&R.

Thanks to for providing the site for me to post onto.

Thanks to Rockstar for creating the Max Payne series, without which I would not have had the inspiration for this fic, and for not suing.

Thanks to MTV for creating "The Real World," also without which I would not have the inspiration for this fic, and for not suing.

Thanks to everyone else whose name I used for not suing.

Just because this fic is over doesn't mean that I'll stop writing, so watch for other stuff from me.

Until then, be safe and be cool :-)


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